


Lost In You

by love_hp, total_theatre_nerd



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, modern day AU, not series compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2018-11-01 15:01:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 63,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10924263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_hp/pseuds/love_hp, https://archiveofourown.org/users/total_theatre_nerd/pseuds/total_theatre_nerd
Summary: “For everything I lack and could never be, the other half is you. It’s always been you.”A modern day AU with no war or blackmailing Nazis or secret relationship or attempted suicide.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's me again! Seems like I can't stay away from this couple for too long, and since I now have lots of free time I am going to spend some of it writing to please myself, so I hope you all enjoy it too! I honestly have no plan for this, it is just something for me to write to get my Toby&Adil fix, so we’ll see where it takes me and what it ends up as! 
> 
> *WARNINGS*  
> Just a couple of warnings for you guys. There will be mentions of verbal abuse that Toby receives from his father, but no specifics and I will put a warning on any chapter that contains it. It is mentioned in this first chapter. No physical abuse.  
> There will also be mentions of and some descriptions of panic attacks, again I will put a warning on any chapter containing it. This first chapter does not contain it. 
> 
> If anyone would like to skip those chapters feel free to message me and I will try and remove it and rework the chapter slightly into something you can read! 
> 
> This is completely different from the other stories I have written so I would be forever grateful if you guys could let me know what you think! 
> 
> Thanks, and enjoy :)

Toby was not a clumsy person. Sure, he had his moments, just like everybody else. But there was honestly no reason for him to, upon entering the pub, walk into a table, trip over thin air and end up on the floor with a bruised leg, hip and ego. No reason, that is, except for the beautiful angel behind the bar. He had walked in, took one look at the boy and had promptly forgotten how to do anything. So when his friend lightly shoved him from behind, trying to get out of the doorway and into the warmth of the building, his feet had moved on autopilot, his eyes still locked onto the handsome bartender. And before he knew it he was on the floor.

“Toby!” his friends had shouted, every single one of them bursting into laughter. And they weren’t a small group. So before long everyone else in the pub went quiet and all you could hear were the sniggers from the loud group of boys. Toby risked a glance up towards the bar and saw The Angel looking at him with an amused expression. He felt his cheeks heat up as the embarrassment set in, and he quickly pushed himself up off the floor, earning cheers and pats on the back from his friends.

He couldn’t even blame the alcohol, he had only had a few drinks before they had left the flat to come here, so he was only slightly tipsy.

“You alright Toby?” Tom asked him as they all made their way over to a few empty tables.

“I’m fine, thanks. At least someone cares,” Toby chuckled, which led to another laugh and pat on the back before he settled into a chair.

He ended up in a seat that was facing the bar. Was it on purpose? Perhaps. All Toby knew was that during their drinking and conversations his gaze kept wandering over towards The Angel. A few times they made eye contact, but Toby was quick to look away, blushing every time it happened. He didn’t want to be caught staring. He tried to stop it, he really did. But the more he drank the more his inhibitions disappeared. He wasn’t drunk, but he was buzzed, and since he was such an insecure and closed off person to begin with it didn’t take much for him to be more outgoing than usual. He didn’t know how long had passed, they could have been in there for five minutes or five hours. He just knew that he really liked the way The Angel’s arm muscles looked in that shirt.

When it was his turn to get the drinks, he made sure he was on the side of that bar that The Angel was serving.

Toby watched as he made his way over, looking straight into Toby’s eyes and giving him a big smile, his eyes crinkling at the side. Toby knew he wasn’t special, knew that the barman had to smile at everyone he served, but he still felt his heart miss a beat at the sight of it.

“Hello. Another round the same?” he asked.

“Yes please,” Toby agreed. Everything that he had wanted to say flew out of his mind and he just stood there staring. He had planned a conversation in his head whilst he was sitting across the room, had thought of questions and different ways the conversation could go, things to say if the chat started to fade out. That was how he usually dealt with social interactions, in his own awkward and apprehensive way. But it seemed as if he was even more socially inept than usual when encountered with a pretty face.

“You Oxford guys like your beer huh?” The Angel’s voice broke him out of his thoughts. He jumped slightly, surprised that he was making conversation.

“To be honest, I’m more of a rum guy. But the others, they all get the same so I just go with it,” he shrugged, his hand moving on its own accord to run through his messy hair, pushing it out of his face. It was a nervous habit that he had picked up from a young age, and to combat it his parents had kept his hair short enough that it wouldn’t have a chance to fall in front of his eyes. Toby sometimes thinks he keeps it long now just to spite them.

“Well Toby, let me make you something here, on the house.”

Toby, who was in the process of moving one of the drinks that the barman had already made closer to himself, had choked, his hand flailing and almost knocking over the full glass. Thankfully it stayed upright.

“You know my name?” he asked, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice. He didn’t think he did very well. Could the barman have asked one of his friends who had been up earlier? Could The Angel actually be interested?

He watched as the other boy laughed, placing another full glass down on the bar.

“Yes, from your graceful tumble earlier.”

“Oh,” Toby replied dejectedly. Of course he wasn’t interested. He was way, way, way out of Toby’s league.

The lull in conversation became awkward. And Toby gave up on even trying to remember what any of his prepared questions were, accepting the fact that he was too anxious and incompetent to hold even one conversation with a good looking guy.

“So what are you studying?” The Angel asked, looking at Toby as he grabbed a smaller glass from below the bar. Toby watched his hands as he scooped up some ice, and then moved on to grab a bottle. He then realised he had been linking and unlinking his fingers tensely, and slapped his hands down flat on the bar, causing a raised eyebrow from The Angel and his cheeks to become flushed.

Toby couldn’t fathom why he was still talking to him, but he was determined to try and not mess up any more than he already had.

“I’m doing English and Literature. Boring, I know,” he answered with a shrug of his shoulders.

He could always tell people judged him when they found out what path he had decided to go on. It had been the cause of many arguments between him and his parents when they had found out it was what he had applied for. They wanted him to do something ‘useful’. Had told him ‘he was too smart to waste his life on that.’ They had expected him to follow the life that they had planned for him, but he had his own ideas. Besides, he knew he was leaving that house as soon as possible, and the time when he would care what his parents thought about him had passed long ago. It was his passion. There was nothing that he loved more in the entire world. And yeah, some people made comments like “Oh what job are you going to get from that?” or “The employment market is very tough for someone in that field,” as if Toby was stupid and had not even thought about his future. Which he had. He had decided a long time ago that life was too short, and he was going to do whatever made him happy, even if it pissed off every single person around him. His twin brother Freddie, who was following their father and studying Law, had none of the controversy or uncertainty of what he would do in the future. Toby would’ve been mad if he didn’t see how much his brother loved what he did. In the beginning he had thought that one son carrying on the family legacy would be enough. That just being accepted and studying at Oxford would be enough, never mind the degree. But boy was he wrong. He had stuck with it though. Had held his own through all the shouting matches and threats, and had moved out into one of the student halls. It meant he rarely saw his parents, but he had weekly phone calls with his mother, and she sometimes came to visit him. His father never made the effort, but Toby couldn’t even pretend to care. It was a blessing not to be ridiculed and put down every day. Toby relished the independence. Relished the fact that he was doing what he wanted for once, that he was being his own person.

“No, not boring. Interesting,” The Angel replied, smiling at him again. Toby felt a massive grin appear on his own face. That was not the response he’d been expecting.

 _Okay Toby, you can do this_ , he thought to himself, taking a deep breath. _It’s your turn to ask a question, keep the conversation going._

“How did you know we were Oxford students?” he asked. Not one of his pre thought of questions, but it did the job.

“Work here long enough then you can recognise the type,” the boy shrugged.

Toby continued the pep talk in his head. _Right. That went well. You can do it. Another question._

“Are you studying?”

“No, well not really, and definitely not at Oxford! I work here almost every evening and night, so I can pay my way through culinary school. My parents don’t have much money, so I go to classes in the mornings and then work…”

“Oh wow!” Toby responded. This boy was so damn cute.

“It’s embarrassing, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I always ramble,” the barman stuttered out, deflating a little, the enthusiasm he had shown moments ago disappearing.

“No, it’s fine. I can tell you’re very passionate about this. It’s cute,” Toby said, trying to reassure him that his dream was not stupid or a waste of time. He knew how that felt. He didn’t register that the last bit had come out of his mouth instead of remaining in his mind until he saw The Angel look down shyly.

Toby saw a small blush appear on the others face and felt one rise up on his own. He internally groaned. Why did he say have to go and say that?

Instead of having to endure the awkward silence that was sure to follow, Toby grabbed up a few of the glasses that had already been filled and mumbled “Be right back,” before walking quickly over to the table, making sure he was in control of his feet this time and would not embarrass himself any further.

When he got back to the bar there was now a glass of what Toby assumed to be rum sitting among the remaining beers. He looked over at The Angel who was pulling a pint for another customer a small way along the bar. He glanced over and Toby mouthed thank you, which earnt him a wink. Toby felt his face heat up again and his heart jump in his chest.

He stood there and took a sip of the drink. It was stronger than he had expected, especially when compared with the beer he had been drinking, and he felt his face scrunch up in distaste. The next sip was better, and Toby found that he rather liked whatever it was he had been made.

He had almost finished by the time The Angel came back over.

“That will be £24 please Toby,” he said.

Toby fumbled around in his wallet, eventually pulling out enough money and handing it over to The Angel. Their hands touched and Toby knew he was blushing again.

He didn’t know if he had imagined the touch lingering or if it had actually happened. Perhaps he was just projecting his wishes onto the situation. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

“Adil! Can I get a hand in the back please?” Toby heard someone shout as he watched The Angel walk back over with his change.

“I’m afraid I have to go,” he said, gesturing to where the shout had come from.

Adil. So that was his name. It suited him.

Toby wished he had the courage to say something, to ask him out or at least let him know he was interested. But he had always been shy, and particularly scared of rejection. Especially since Adil was so beautiful. It was better not to embarrass himself further, he thought. Despite the talk and the drink nothing would happen anyway. He was probably just being nice. But then Toby remembered the wink. Surely he didn’t wink at all his customers? In the end it didn’t matter, Toby did not have the bravery to say anything. Not today.

So instead of saying something that he wished he could all that left his mouth was “Thank you.”

Adil just raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“For... for the drink,” Toby stuttered out, for the second or maybe third time that night wishing that the floor would swallow him up.

“You’re welcome, Toby.” Adil replied with a smile. “By the way, that face you made when you drank it? Very cute.” And with that, he walked away.

Toby, who had been in the process of picking up one of the glasses in front of him promptly choked and almost knocked all the drinks over, which would’ve been another disaster.

When he sat back down at the table after passing out the drinks he took his phone out his pocket, pulling up his text conversation with Emma. Although she was Freddie’s girlfriend they had remained extremely close after being friends pretty much from birth, and she was the first person he had come out to. His relationship with Freddie was quite strained, how could it not be when he was the perfect older brother with Toby as the disappointment? It didn’t help that every time their father would put him down in front of everyone Freddie would say nothing. He knew Freddie was just scared, scared that their father would turn his rage and hatred onto him instead. So he stayed away from the arguments and never said anything to stand up for Toby. And although Toby thought that he would probably do the same thing if the roles were reversed he couldn’t help but be bitter. Because he was the one that had to take it all. Because he was born four minutes later, and loved reading instead of arguing in a court room, and liked boys instead of girls. But despite all that animosity they were brothers. They were amicable, sure. There were even days when they were friends. And hanging out when Emma was there as buffer made things infinitely easier. But this was definitely not something he was going to go to his brother with.

‘So, say someone winked at me and called me cute. That’s flirting right?’

His phone buzzed with a reply only a few moments later.

“Omg yes! Definitely flirting. Need all the details next time we catch up! xoxo’

Toby grinned at his phone before stashing it away and starting to listen to what the boys were talking about.

Perhaps he would have to spend more time at this pub.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought this was going to be a shorter, filler like chapter. Almost 3000 words later and here we are. Toby gets all the compliments in this chapter cause he deserves all the compliments!  
> I would really appreciate it if you could let me know what you think! Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it :)

In the next few weeks after the first awkward meeting Toby often found himself visiting the pub with his friends. More than likely it was him that made the suggestion, but it was so close and the drinks were cheap enough that everyone agreed and didn’t question him on why he wanted to go there.

He wouldn’t say he was now competent at speaking to Adil, but he had managed to have quite a few conversations where he didn’t embarrass himself completely, and to him that was a definite win.

It wasn’t like he had time to sit and chat with Adil and have deep conversations about their pasts and plans for the future, but they did end up divulging some information to each other. Toby sometimes felt that Adil made drinks a lot slower when he was up there getting them, but he would never complain at the extra time to talk. They had started off by just talking about the news, or TV shows they were watching, books they were reading (Toby) and dishes they were learning to cook (Adil). After a few interactions though Adil mentioned his brother, and they had gotten onto the topic of family. Toby had briefly mentioned that his parents weren’t happy about what he had chosen to do with his life, which earned a pitiful look from Adil. Toby didn’t want his pity, so he quickly moved on to talk about Freddie and Emma, and they were able to bond over the trouble that having siblings sometimes caused. It was nice. Toby enjoyed speaking to someone who was actually interested in him. And not just that, but someone who had no expectations of him, had no preconceptions about what he should be like because of his family. Someone who didn’t even know his family.

Adil was so carefree and happy in a way that Toby never had been. His smiles lit up his face, and when he was talking about his cooking his enthusiasm and passion was made clear in his voice. He was a breath of fresh air and Toby found himself wanting more and more and more. It didn’t even surprise him when he realised that the best moments of his week were his conversations with the beautiful barman.

He had no way to know if Adil felt the same though. Sure they talked and they laughed and they flirted (it was definitely flirting, Toby was absolutely certain now) but nothing more had come from it. Surely if Adil was interested he would’ve said something?

However Toby did reason that he himself was completely head over heels for the other boy and had done nothing more than hint at it, hiding it in flirty comments and flustered blushing whenever Adil would say something nice.

Today was the first time Toby would be visiting the pub without his mates, instead he was taking Emma. Freddie was in the midst of a very important paper and also preparation for a mock trial so she was bored and had asked Toby if he wanted to grab a drink and catch up.

Toby hadn’t really mentioned anything to her since his message at the first meeting. It was easy when they hadn’t seen each other in person and Toby was an expert at avoidance through texts. He had plenty of practice with his mother, writing around the question but in a way the other person wouldn’t realise. They would think you had answered it but really you had just skirted around the edges and evaded it all together. Toby thought it was a very useful skill.

She didn’t know about Adil, didn’t know that he was the boy that he had been talking about, and so Toby thought it would be safe to take her there. He wanted to see Adil again and this was a perfect opportunity.

As they walked into the pub Toby couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face at the sight of Adil. There was always a chance that Adil wouldn’t be working, Toby didn’t know his schedule after all, but he remembered their first conversation and how Adil said he worked most evenings and nights, so Toby was always hopeful and optimistic that he would be there.

Emma started to walk over to the bar but Toby grabbed her hand and dragged her over to the other side, where Adil was serving.

“Quicker service over here. Plus it's closer to that spare table,” he said in way of an explanation, gesturing to a table in the corner which had a few armchairs surrounding it, and also a good view of the bar. Toby had learnt that the third time he had visited and definitely did not try and sit there every time they came.

Emma surveyed the list of cocktails that was written on a board placed on the bar, and Toby watched Adil as he finished with a customer before heading straight towards them. Toby couldn’t help the little flutter he still felt whenever Adil’s gaze was focused entirely on him. Toby saw the second he noticed Emma though, as his smile turned into a small frown.

“Toby, hello,” he said, to anyone else sounding polite and courteous. Toby could tell it wasn’t the same though. It wasn’t said with the same enthusiasm or joy he usually heard.

Toby’s brow furrowed slightly, but before he could open his mouth to ask what was wrong Emma squealed in delight and started hitting Toby on the arm.

“Oh Toby let’s get this one! It sounds just like the one we had in Spain last year. Remember, they’d bring it to us at the pool,” she said, pointing at one of the cocktails on the list.

“You go ahead, I’m going to get a rum,” Toby replied, looking at Adil who just nodded and started making up the drink. The same one he had made Toby that first time, and the same one that Toby always ordered at least once in every visit.

He finished quickly and slid the drink over to Toby, not meeting his eyes. Toby thanked him anyway.

“And for your girlfriend?” he asked, his hand moving to wave at Emma.

Toby and Emma just froze for a second before turning to look at each other and bursting out laughing.

Toby glanced over at Adil and saw the most adorable look of confusion on his face. He tried to calm down so he could explain, but he made the mistake of looking at Emma before snorting and starting to laugh again.

“She’s not… I’m… This is Emma,” he managed to get out between laughs and a look of understanding passed across Adil’s face before he broke into a relieved smile.

“Toby is gay. Like super super gay. As in thinks you are beautiful and wants to get in your pants gay,” Emma explained once she had calmed down enough to stop laughing.

Toby spluttered, not saying anything to deny Emma’s words but wondering how she was able to tell in the one minute they had been standing at the bar.

“Oh,” Adil replied, his cheeks were red and Toby could tell he was flustered. “I’m sorry. I read the situation wrong, my apologies.”

“Oh don’t worry about it. This is going to be a great story to tell at parties,” Emma chuckled.

Toby could tell Adil was getting more and more embarrassed about his mistake but before he could say something to reassure him Emma told him what drink she wanted and Adil quickly made himself busy preparing the cocktail.

“Why don’t you go sit down? I’ll get this round and bring them over.” Toby requested, hoping that Emma would take the hint and let him have some alone time with Adil. Well, as alone as you could get in a busy pub on a Friday evening. Emma being the angel that she was just agreed with a smile and wandered over, but Toby could tell he was going to get interrogated when he sat down.

Adil returned with the brightly coloured cocktail and Toby thought he seemed slightly relieved that Emma had made herself scarce. He placed the glass down on the bar and slid it over, and Toby reached out to grab it. Adil hadn’t moved his hand though so he ended up placing his fingers over Adil’s and for a second they just stared at each other.

“I really am sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions like that. It’s just the way you were acting, you were so close. I’m sorry.” Adil apologised. Their hands were still touching and their positions made their faces closer to each other than they had ever been before.

Toby swallowed, trying to find his voice. But how was he supposed to say anything when Adil was here touching his hand and looking right into his eyes. Toby felt like he could’ve melted.

“No worries Adil. It’s fine, honestly. As she said we’re both just going to find it hilarious for the next year or two,” Toby replied, shooting Adil a smile that he tried to make reassuring.

“And what she said? You are, you’re gay?”

“Yes.” Toby acknowledged, and then he remembered what else Emma had said.

“I’m sorry if she made you uncomfortable, by saying those other things,” he said finally pulling the glass towards him which made Adil remove his hand. He couldn’t keep the trepidation out of his voice. What if she had ruined everything?

“No that’s, that’s okay,” Adil stuttered, blushing again. Toby could just imagine how flushed his own cheeks were with embarrassment.

“So Emma. Your brother’s girlfriend yes?” Adil asked, wordlessly accepting the money that Toby passed to him, but not making any effort to turn around and go to the till.

“Yes that’s right. Wow I’m not used to someone actually listening to me when I speak!” Toby joked.

“What’s that meant to mean?” Adil asked, sounding affronted on Toby’s behalf.

“Oh nothing, nothing. Just forget I said anything.” Toby quickly tried to backtrack, shaking his head.

“Toby I know you haven’t mentioned much about your family, and I apologise if I’m overstepping but you deserve to be listened to. You are kind and smart and interesting and anyone would be lucky to spend time with you. You’re pretty special Toby, I hope you know that.”

Toby felt his heart swell and watched as Adil gave him a small, awkward smile, which he returned. Adil then ducked his head and spun around to get Toby his change.

Toby had never been told something like that. Had never been complimented in such a way and it almost made him well up because it was so lovely to hear. And if Adil thought he was special then maybe he was.

When Adil returned he handed Toby the money, and Toby grabbed his hand, holding him in place and preventing him for leaving. He was feeling brave and extremely happy and so he went for it. He thought maybe he would’ve had the courage to finally ask him out, but as he looked into Adil’s eyes he couldn’t help but once again feel as if Adil was way out of his league. So he choked at the last minute and didn’t ask.

“Thank you," he said instead, trying to convey just how much Adil’s words had meant to him.

“You are quite amazing yourself,” he continued, watching as the smile on Adil’s face got even bigger.

Toby removed his hand from Adil’s and felt his cheeks heat up as he grabbed the two glasses and turned to walk away.

“Toby,” he heard, just as he had taken a step to walk towards Emma. He spun back around to look at Adil.

“I… umm… enjoy your drinks,” Adil stuttered out, seemingly not able to decide what he wanted to settle on.

“Thanks. I’ll see you soon,” Toby replied.

“Yes, see you soon,” Adil agreed with a nod.

Toby knew he had a soppy grin on his face and he made his way over to the table, he didn’t even need Emma’s inquisitive look to know.

“Okay what was that?”

“What was what?” he asked, feigning innocence as he placed the glasses down and took a seat.

“Toby… come on. I saw the way he looked at you. The touch of your hands.”

“Oh. That’s just Adil,” Toby blushed.

“Oh? What’s that meant to mean? Is that the guy you texted me about? Are you a thing?” Emma exclaimed excitedly, a grin appearing on her face.

“Yes it was the guy, but no. It’s not like that.”

“But you want it to be?” she pressed.

“I dunno. Maybe.” Toby shrugged. “Nothing could ever happen anyway. He’s way out of my league.”

“You think so low of yourself Toby. Why can’t you see that you are a person who deserves to be loved?” Emma said softly, reaching out to squeeze Toby’s hand.

“I just… he’s so… so beautiful. And I’m, well, me,” he shrugged.

“Toby, you are beautiful. And you’re sweet, funny, caring, you love so hard and you are always putting others before yourself. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. And I don’t think that he needs convincing of that. I think he’s pretty smitten already.”

“Really?” Toby asked, glancing over at Adil and smiling. Emma doubted he even realised what he was doing.

“He did seem very relieved when you told him I wasn’t your girlfriend. Believe me, the way you two look at each other, it’s exactly the same as Freddie and me before we admitted how we felt,” she reassured.

“How did you do it?” Toby asked. He was curious. He had never heard the story of how it had happened before, all he knew was that one day they were friends and the next they were, well, more.

“Well I think we’d both known for a while. There was this little dance we were doing, carrying on as normal and ignoring the feelings we had. It was terrifying, we’d been friends for so long and we were both scared that something happening between us could change everything. It could change our friendship, as well as our trio Toby. But then one night, we were down in the garden of your house, and looking at our initials carved onto the tree, and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I kissed him. It is terrifying to put your heart on the line like that, but all you can hope is that the other person will catch it for you. And well, it definitely turned out just as well as I’d hoped. You’re never going to know if you don’t try Toby.”

“Oh wow, I haven’t heard that story before. I can’t believe you were the one to make the first move! Freddie had loved you for ages!” Toby exclaimed. He may not have been close to his brother but when it came to feelings Freddie was so transparent.

“I know. He’s much like you, your brother. But I know you can be braver than he was. I know you can tell Adil how you feel,” Emma replied.

“I don’t know if I could take the rejection…” Toby sighed, wishing not for the first time that he had more confidence. Wishing that he was not so insecure.

“Trust me Toby. He is interested, that is not something you need to worry about. Have I ever let you down before? Have I?” Emma prodded.

“Well there was that time you…”

“Toby! I’m being serious here,” Emma laughed.

“I know, I know. You’d never lie to me, especially about something like this,” Toby agreed reluctantly, but he couldn’t help hope that what she was saying was true. And thinking about his interaction with Adil today it made sense. He was jealous when he saw Emma, and that’s why he had been so short. He was jealous and then he was relieved. And the touching and the smiles and the compliments just reinforced that idea. Could Adil really be interested? Did he really stand a chance with The Angel?

“So you’ll tell him?” Emma’s question broke him from his thoughts.

“Yes,” Toby agreed, smiling over at her.

“Today? Now?” she asked, excitement covering her features.

“No. Not today. Next time. I promise,” he replied, grabbing the straw that was placed in the drink and swirling it around.

“You promise?”

“Yes!” Toby replied with a smile, knowing that now he had told Emma there was no way he could back out. “Just don’t tell Freddie about this yet okay?” he requested, hoping that Emma would understand. Understand that he wanted something that was just his for a while, and not have his family ruin it.

“Ughh fine. Can I tell him about how he thought we were a couple though?” Emma sighed, sounding as if keeping something from Freddie was the biggest burden ever.

“Yes!” Toby chuckled, “That will have him laughing for days.”

“Next time I see you you better have a cute little boyfriend, you hear me?” Emma said, squeezing Toby’s hand before moving to pick up her drink, taking a sip.

“Yes I hear you.”

Toby hadn’t felt this positive in a long time. He knew he hadn’t actually done anything yet, but as long as he could build up the courage and silence the voices in his head for a minute he was going to do it.

He was going to be brave.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. Although it's my longest I've written to date I still feel like I could go over it again and again and find things I don't like. But I've been working on it for a while and wanted to get something out for you guys so I hope it's okay for you all! 
> 
> Warning: Mentions of verbal abuse from Toby's father 
> 
> As always kudos and comments are greatly appreciated and will honestly make my day :)

Adil was trying not to panic. But it had been a few weeks since the last time he had seen Toby. He thought they had connected. They had smiled and flirted. Toby had held his hand. Emma had hinted that Toby liked him. More than hinted. Adil had almost asked him on a date before nerves got the better of him. He had thought that maybe, finally, something would happen. But Toby hadn’t come back. Adil couldn’t help the hope he would feel every shift that Toby would appear. But every time he was left disappointed.

It wasn’t unusual for Toby to go a week without visiting the pub, but when it reached two weeks, and then three weeks, Adil couldn’t help but think that maybe Toby was gone. A couple of times he had seen the group of boys that Toby usually hung out with, and he was so so tempted to ask one of them. But the only reason he could think of for Toby not coming back was that he had scared him away. He had been too forward, too flirty, and had ruined things before they could even get started.

Adil had dated before. He had been with plenty of guys. But nobody had ever caught his attention like Toby had. There had never been anyone else that he felt inexplicably drawn to.

Adil had noticed him even before he had tumbled over on the very first walk into the pub. He just so happened to glance at the door as Toby was walking in, laughing at something. And his smile was so bright and his laugh so cheerful that Adil couldn’t help but smile too. Then there was all the blushing, and the shy attempts at flirting that Adil found both awkward and endearing, but utterly attractive. For the few short conversations they had shared Adil felt like he was beginning to understand Toby and some of the struggles that he faced, but he wanted to know more. Adil didn’t think there would ever come a time where he would stop wanting to know more about this man. Adil wanted to be the one to comfort him, to wipe away his tears when he was sad, to laugh with him when he was happy. He wanted Toby. It was as if Toby had cast a spell on him that first night, and since then he was all Adil could think about.

It was unfair, Adil thought, that Toby would reel him in and flirt and laugh and act as if he was interested if he wasn’t. It was unfair that he would just not return. But Toby didn’t owe him anything, Adil reasoned. They had been nothing to each other. Nothing at all. Adil had ruined it and now Toby wasn’t coming back.

Since Adil had resigned himself to that fact it was nothing short of a shock when he walked into the bar at three o’clock at the start of his Monday shift and saw Toby sitting there. He took a step back and had to double take before he could believe that yes, it was Toby. Adil took a deep breath, building up courage. He was not going to let Toby get away this time. But as Adil started to walk over he noticed that something was wrong. Although it hadn’t been that long since Adil had seen him (no matter how long it felt) Adil noticed a stark difference between this Toby and the one he had last seen. As he walked over the smile started to slip from his face as he noticed that Toby was really very drunk. Extremely drunk. At three in the afternoon. This wouldn’t have been the first time that had happened in this pub though, and if it had been anyone else Adil would’ve just served them and moved on. But the way Toby was slouched over, his hand visibly shaking as he lifted the glass of what appeared to be straight vodka up to his lips it was clear that something was tremendously wrong.

“Toby,” Adil breathed out as he reached the bar, not knowing if Toby would pick up on the longing and worry in his voice or not.

“Adil, hello. Another double vodka please,” Toby said, only glancing up at Adil for a second before darting his eyes back down to his fingers, which were now drumming an uneven but relentless beat on the bar.

“Toby, are you alright?” Adil asked, reaching out a hand and placing it on Toby’s, who immediately stiffened, the tapping stopping abruptly. 

Toby took a deep, shuddering breath, moving his eyes up to look at Adil. All Adil saw was sadness, and he wanted to pull Toby into a hug, wanted to take away some of the pain. But he couldn’t. And it killed him a little inside.

“No. Not really. But I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to drink,” Toby replied coldly with none of his usual warmth.

What had happened to him? Adil wondered as he nodded and turned around to pour him a drink. What had happened to turn the joyful Toby he had known into someone filled with so much pain?

As Adil turned back to Toby he saw that the other boy had started crying. It wasn’t sobbing or sniffling, it was simply a couple of tears flowing silently down his face, and Adil wondered if Toby even realised.  He was just sitting there, glaring at his empty glass, looking as if he wanted it to explode with just the will of his gaze.

Toby wasn’t just hurting. He was angry.

Adil placed the glass of vodka down and startled Toby out of his trance.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, really truly concerned now. He was worried about Toby. Adil started to move his hand over, planning on placing it on Toby’s hand or arm to offer comfort, but before he could touch him Toby flinched away.

“Don’t do that,” Toby snapped, shaking his head and fixing the glare that had been on the glass a moment ago onto Adil.

Adil didn’t like that expression on Toby’s face, and certainly not when it was focused at him. Toby’s face was made for smiling. But Adil would be surprised if Toby smiled at all today.

“Do what? Be nice?” Adil questioned, but at the same time wondering if Toby just didn’t want to be touched.

“Yes, exactly. I don’t deserve it. Now if you’d excuse me I’d like to be alone,” Toby barked before picking up the glass, downing the vodka, and walking away.

Adil’s first thought was h _e did not pay for that drink_ before it was replaced with _Toby is not okay and I need to help him_. He watched as Toby stormed across the bar and harshly pushed open the door leading to the outside beer garden. And although it was freezing outside, and although he had just started his shift, and although Toby might not even want to talk to him Adil quickly mumbled an excuse to Sophie, the other person working on the bar, before he hastily rushed after him.

He found Toby pacing back and forward near one of the benches, a cigarette in his hand, but not lit yet. He was fiddling with his lighter, but his hand was shaking too much that he couldn’t get it to work. Adil watched as he swore at it before chucking it away and releasing a small shout of anger, tossing his unused cigarette onto the ground and grinding it with his foot.

Toby hadn’t noticed that he was not alone.

“Toby…” Adil said softly, not wanting to scare him.

Toby’s head snapped up, and he looked surprised that Adil had followed him.

“Why are you here Adil?” Toby asked, and Adil could tell that he was genuinely wondering why.

“You’re not okay,” Adil replied simply, hoping that Toby would realise how much he cared.

“No I’m fine,” Toby answered, sending Adil a smile. But coupled with the tear tracks on his face and pain in his eyes it just looked unnerving.

“You’re clearly not fine,” Adil countered, taking a few steps closer to Toby. Toby didn’t move away.

“I am. Just, just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you,” Toby muttered out, running a hand through his unruly hair and turning away from Adil. Adil could still see the trembling of Toby’s hands, the way he looked like he would burst into tears any second, could see that underneath this drunk front he had put on there was simply just a boy who was hurting. And Adil was not going to leave him. Even if Toby didn’t like him and only tolerated him, only saw him as someone to serve drinks, Adil could not just walk away. He couldn’t have lived with himself.

“Then why did you come here?” Adil asked.

“To get so drunk that I couldn’t even remember my own name,” Toby replied.

“You know that’s not true. There are plenty of places you could’ve gone to but you came here.”

Adil watched as Toby stood up straight, looking as if he was getting ready to run. They stood there in silence, and Adil didn’t know if Toby was thinking of what to say or if he was just thinking. If perhaps he didn’t even know why he came here.  

“That’s not…”

“Toby. What happened?” Adil interrupted, not wanting to hear Toby make any more lame excuses. Toby just deflated then, slouching down and curling in on himself. It made him look smaller.

Toby turned around and looked straight into Adil’s eyes, tears leaking from his own.

“My father died. Heart attack,” he mumbled, averting his gaze as soon as he’d said the words. Perhaps it was the first time he had said them out loud.

Adil closed the gap that was between them, finally managing to place his hand on Toby’s arm. He could feel Toby shaking, but couldn’t tell whether it was from the alcohol, or the anger he seemed to be feeling, or an overwhelming sense of loss.

“Oh Toby I’m sorry for your loss.”

Adil thought that would never be the wrong thing to say to somebody who had just lost a family member, but clearly he was wrong. For Toby yanked his arm away and took a step back, rage suddenly surging forward and covering every feature.

“That’s exactly what I was trying to get away from!” he shouted, lifting his arms up in an ‘I’m done!’ gesture before letting them fall back to his side. “The reception was filled with people apologising to me, saying how much he would be missed, how much they cared for him but I’m glad. I’m glad he’s dead.”

Adil took a step back as the words were thrown at him like knifes, pure venom behind them. It was a shock. Adil had known that that Toby’s relationship with his parents was not good, but he felt like he had severely underestimated what was going on, if this was how Toby was feeling.

Toby’s hands were balled into fists at his side and he was looking down at the ground, avoiding Adil’s gaze. He was muttering to himself and it looked almost as if he was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. Adil recognised these nervous, jittery movements, the incomprehensible mumbling, the way it looked as if every breath became more of a struggle.

“Toby, you need to calm down,” Adil said evenly, moving forward again and grabbing hold of Toby’s wrists, causing him to look up. All Adil saw on his face was pain. A pain so acute and raw that it was almost as if Adil was hit with some of it, just from looking at him.

“I’m so ashamed.” Toby whispered, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “Saying that I’m relieved he’s dead. I’m a terrible person. But he never treated me like a son. I was always a disappointment. The last thing he ever said to me was that I was pathetic…” Toby paused and averted his gaze again, and Adil moved one hand from Toby’s arm and lifted it up to wipe away the tears that had fallen. Toby continued. “That my life was useless. He never had any time for me. And I don’t see how his death changes anything.”

Adil didn’t say anything, as he recognised that this was what Toby needed. He needed to vent, to get everything out of his system. He just needed someone to listen. He moved his hand from Toby’s face and placed it on the small of his back, starting to rub small circles. Adil had no clue if this would be comforting to Toby, but whenever he was sad or upset his Mum would do it to him, and it always made him feel better. So he did it to Toby because perhaps it would make him feel a bit better too. He didn’t know what else he could do.

“I’m not crying cause I’m sad,” Toby sniffed, once again looking up at Adil. “I’m crying because I’m thankful that he’s gone, and that I won’t have to listen to him putting me down day after day after day. He never said one good thing about me. I was always being compared to Freddie. ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother?’ or ‘We would never have these problems with him.’ I was never good enough, would _never_ be good enough, and he did not hold back on letting me know that. Every day I would get it. Every. Single. Day. And it was so draining and I was so tired. But then I got out and although the words stopped coming I never stopped hearing them in my head. I just hated the way he made me feel and I hated him. So yeah, I’m glad he’s gone. Yet I feel guilty and it’s eating me alive. Adil, I don’t know what to do.”

It was as if that confession had taken everything from Toby and he just collapsed onto Adil, a heart wrenching sob tearing its way through him. Adil just managed to keep them both upright and he shuffled Toby backwards until his legs hit a bench, and he gently pushed Toby so he was sitting down. Although Adil wanted nothing more than to reach down and envelop him in a hug he kept standing, kept his distance. He didn’t want to be inappropriate, and Toby was drunk, and extremely over emotional.

“Shh it’s okay Toby. It’s okay to feel that way,” Adil tried to comfort, stroking his fingers over Toby’s that were now gripped onto his wrists.

“It’s not! It’s not like he ever hit me or anything, it wasn’t like that. I don’t have the right to complain.”

“Toby, just because people have it worse doesn’t mean that your suffering doesn’t matter.”

“I’m an awful person. I’m awful. Awful…” Toby began, and Adil could tell he was about to spiral into a speech of self-deprecation, through no fault of his own mind you, but simply because it was what he had grown up hearing about himself. Adil couldn’t help but feel mad that this lovely, beautiful human being could not see how bright he really shone.

“Toby no. You are a wonderful person,” Adil pressed, knowing his words would not be believed but trying anyway.

“I am not.”

“You are. You made me fall for you in a handful of conversations.”

It took a second for Adil’s words to sink in before a small but genuine smile appeared almost hesitantly on Toby’s face.

“Really?” he asked, sounding slightly breathless with wonder.

“Yes.”

Adil had only a second to regret telling Toby of his feelings during this situation before Toby leapt up from where he was sitting, moving his hands to grip at Adil’s shoulders. And before Adil knew it Toby’s mouth was on his.

Adil felt such a confliction of emotions. Because on one hand he had been wishing for this for so long and it was amazing and _Toby was kissing him_. But on the other hand Toby was drunk and very clearly upset and this was not how Adil had wanted their first kiss to be. And yet he felt himself surrender, and as soon as he opened his mouth Toby’s tongue darted in, and he was pushed back, stumbling as he was pressed against the wall. Adil let himself bask for a few seconds before he built up the strength to pull back and push Toby away.

“Toby stop. You’re not in the right mind for this.”

Adil could see the panic and regret settle itself onto Toby.

“Oh God, Adil I’m so sorry,” he apologised, stumbling backwards so quickly he almost fell over his own feet.

“No you don’t need to…” Adil started.  

“I basically just molested you at your work place!”

“Toby no...”

“I’ve ruined this now too. The only good thing I had in my life. I really am pathetic.”

And with that Toby turned, clumsily stumbling away.

“Toby wait!” Adil shouted, reaching out to try and grab him but he was too late. Adil almost tripped in his haste to hurry after him. He could feel people watching them as he crashed through the door into the pub, calling out Toby’s name. But Toby just blanked him and sped up, practically running out the door at the other side that led onto the street.

Adil stopped as it swung closed in his face, deflating as he realised he could not go after Toby. He was meant to be working. He should be working. If he ran after Toby he would probably lose his job, and he needed this job. Even if he did go what would he say? There was nothing he could do in that moment of time to fix things. There was nothing he could do.

So instead he awkwardly made his way back to behind the bar, apologising to Sophie who just reassured him that it was no problem, telling him that she hopes he works things out.

Adil just hummed in agreement as she moved on to talk about something else, but he wasn’t actually listening. His mind was far away on the broken boy now running through the streets, and he wished, he prayed, that Toby would be okay.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning - Toby talks about the verbal abuse from his father* 
> 
> So this chapter was, for some reason, really easy for me to write. I bumped it out in just a couple of hours which is basically unheard of :P 
> 
> And I have actually made a plan for this story and just now it's sitting at 20 chapters plus an epilogue. I don't know if that's too much (is there such a thing as too much Toby&Adil? :P ) or if you guys will get bored of me by then but as long as the ideas keep coming to me I am going to keep writing them! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter :)

It was only two days before Adil saw Toby again. Two days full of worry and regret for letting him leave. He wished that he had a way to contact Toby, wished that he had some way of knowing that he was, not fine exactly, but that he hadn’t done anything stupid in his broken state. But after not seeing Toby for weeks the time before Adil wasn’t holding out much hope of having a visit from the other boy anytime soon, no matter how much he wanted to.

It was so unexpected that Adil had almost walked right past him. He was walking out the front door of the pub after finishing his shift. It was late and he had just plugged his earphones in, the music beginning to play. He had his head down and was trying to find a good song on his phone, not paying attention to his surroundings. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and it made him jump and spin around. He felt a rush of relief when he saw that it was Toby standing there, a sheepish smile on his face.

“Adil, hi.”

“Hello,” Adil replied, quickly taking his headphones out of his ears and stuffing them in his pocket.

“Are you…” they both started at the same time before laughing awkwardly, Toby running a hand through his hair, a movement that Adil had realised was a manifestation of his nerves.

“You go first,” Toby said with a small smile.

“Are you okay? I was so worried about you,” Adil asked, wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch Toby. But he didn’t want to cross any boundaries. Didn’t want to do anything that would scare him off.

“Oh. Yeah. I’m fine,” Toby said with a shrug.

“Are you really?”

“Yes. When I went home that night I talked to my Mother and Freddie, and we sorted some things out. Things aren’t perfect, they will never be perfect, but I think it could be tolerable. In the future.”

“Well, that’s umm, good then,” Adil replied, not really knowing what to say.

“Are you… are you heading home?”

“Yeah,” Adil answered, checking his watch, “I’ve got an early start tomorrow.”

“Oh well I’m sorry for bothering you!”

“Don’t be silly Toby, you’d never bother me. How about you walk me home?” He asked, instantly regretting it. “Unless you’re busy. And it is late. You probably don’t live anywhere near me and sorry, just forget it, stupid idea.” He looked away from Toby and felt a blush creep up on his cheeks.

“No! No! I’d love to walk you home,” Toby replied, and Adil looked up to see a smile gracing his face. He couldn’t help but smile in return.

“Okay then, it’s about fifteen minutes away though,” Adil added, hoisting his bag up onto his shoulder from where it had begun to slip.

“No problem, lead the way,” Toby responded, gesturing with his hands for Adil to move past him.

The first few minutes of the walk were filled with silence. Adil kept glancing over at Toby, who was just glaring at the ground. He wanted to say something but he knew that Toby just needed time to find his words. And he wasn’t going to push him. So they walked through the quiet streets, only the sounds of the traffic accompanying them.

Eventually Toby spoke. He didn’t stop walking, but he did look across at Adil, and he could see the sincerity on his face, could hear it in his voice.

“I wanted to apologize to you. About that night. I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was wrong and I… I understand if you never want to see me again.”

“It’s okay Toby…” Adil started, wanting to reassure him. But he was cut off.

“No let me try and explain. Please.” Toby said, almost desperately.

Adil nodded.

“I know I hadn’t ever mentioned much about my parents. I’d always glossed over them when we talked about family, and that’s just because I didn’t have the words for what I wanted to say. Growing up it always felt like me and Freddie were in competition. It was like they pitted us against each other, to see who came out on top. And Freddie had always been the larger one, had always been the smarter one. He is the eldest you see. And so he had always won my father’s praises and I had always received his abuse.”

They had slowed down now, Adil was aware that this was hard for Toby. Could see it in the way he avoided Adil’s eyes, in the way he kept clenching his hands into fists before releasing them. Could see it in the way he trembled slightly. Adil once again felt a stab of anger at the fact that this wonderful person was brought up in such a way. He had no idea what that would have been like, as his family were extremely close and had always, always, accepted him and his dreams. He had it lucky.

Toby continued.

“As I said before it wasn’t physical. It was never physical. But it was the things he would say, how he wouldn’t even let me build myself up to Freddie’s level before he knocked me down. I don’t want to go into specifics but I was always being told I wasn’t good enough. And by the time I was 16 I was used to it. It was almost as if I had built up a shield to protect me from his harsh words. They kept coming, and I still felt them, but it was as if I had heard them so much that they no longer wounded me. They just bounced off. Like I had become accustomed to it, and it was now just a part of who I was. Toby Hamilton. 16 years old. Rugby player. School student. Disappointment. And then I added gay to that list…” Toby trailed off, his breath hitching and a few tears slipping down his face.

Adil reached out and grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers and giving them a small squeeze. Toby looked up at him with a shaky smile and Adil knew that it had been the right thing to do.

He was aware that they were nearing his house, it was on the street they were wandering down, just up ahead. Half a dozen or so more houses and they would be there. But Adil didn’t want this night to end. Not yet. So without saying anything he just gently pulled Toby over to a bench which was positioned under a street light a few houses down from his.  

He watched as Toby sat down with shaky legs, letting out a deep and forceful breath.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Adil said softly, stroking his fingers gently over Toby’s which were gripping his hand tightly.

Toby looked into Adil’s eyes, and from the determination he saw in them Adil knew the answer before Toby had even opened his mouth.

“No I need to do this.”

Adil just smiled in return, continuing with the movement of his fingers, hoping that it would be comforting Toby, even just a little.

“I came out when I was 17,” Toby started, before once again taking in a shaky breath.

“My mum and Freddie, they took it well. Just hugged me and told me they loved me. But they had never been the problem. They knew what was going on of course, they heard what he said to me and they never said anything to counter it, never stood up for me. And that’s why I’m so bitter with them just now but… it wasn’t their fault. Not really.”

Adil couldn’t help but disagree. How could they just stand to the side and let it happen? Did they not see what it had done to Toby? But Adil couldn’t make that judgement, he had never met them. He didn’t know what it had been like. So he kept his thoughts to himself. If Toby could find it in his heart to try and forgive them and move past it, then he was an even better man than Adil had thought.  

“My father didn’t say anything straight away, he just stood up and left the room. Which I was glad about. It was the least hurtful reaction I could have expected from him. But after that day things shifted, and the words he used to attack me changed, and they became filled with more hatred than ever before. Then when I got into my English and Literature degree, God, I had never seen him that mad. I thought he was finally going to hit me for sure. It would seem the next logical step, I feel as if I had been waiting for it. But he never did, and I don’t think he ever would have.”

Adil could feel tears welling up as he watched Toby cry softly. He wasn’t sobbing or weeping, the tears were simply just rolling down his cheeks, pooling at his chin. Adil reached out gently and brushed them away, first one side of Toby’s face, then the other. Adil wanted to tell him to stop. He could see how much it was hurting him but he could also see how much Toby needed this. How he needed to tell somebody. And Adil was just honoured it was himself Toby had decided to talk to.

“I hated him because of that. And yes, I felt relieved when I heard he was dead. Then I just felt guilty, because there are many people who would do anything to have even one day with their father, and here I am. I felt ashamed,” Toby continued.

“You’re situation is different than theirs Toby,” Adil couldn’t help but cut in. He felt a desperate need for Toby to understand that what he went through mattered, that he shouldn’t just brush it off.  “You need to stop comparing yourself to others and just think about yourself. About what you have suffered, which is a lot. Nobody should have to go through what you have, but yet you have turned out to be this stunning, kind and smart man, despite everything. That shows how strong you are.” 

Toby let out a short sob, catching it in his throat so he ended up producing a weird gurgling sound which they both couldn’t help but smile at.

“That’s what Emma tells me,” Toby chuckled. “But you see, he would tell me my life was useless. That I would amount to nothing. That _I_ was worth nothing. And if you hear that every day for 17 years of your life how can you not come to believe it? Emma has done a great job of trying to build me back up, to tell me that I do matter, than I am something. But from the moment I saw you I knew you were out of my league. That someone as handsome as you would never be with someone like me. And yet I kept coming back.”

Adil wanted to scream at Toby, tell him that it was Toby who was too good for him. But he knew that wouldn’t help the situation, and that if he told Toby he would just scoff as if the idea was ludicrous. As if he didn’t deserve anyone.

“So I think that’s why I kissed you. Because I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t weak and useless and all those other things he would say to me. And I know it’s no excuse but I had been drinking a lot before you came to me, and I just... You were being so nice to me. And saying such kind things. You have to know I’m not used to hearing compliments like that. And I think I just got overwhelmed by my feelings. I regret it. Because if I could’ve pictured a first kiss for us it definitely would not have been anything like that. And I’m sorry that I forced myself on you and that you had no choice in the matter, and I promise you’ll never have to see me after today. But I just needed to apologize, I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving things like that.”

“Toby. It’s okay,” Adil reassured, squeezing the hand that was locked in his.  “I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you. But I want you to know that you are beautiful. And you are kind and selfless and clever and funny, and so many more things. And, if you want to, I would like the chance to get to know you better. To have the opportunity to prove to you that you are worth something. If you’ll let me I will tell you every single day that you are amazing and wonderful and, honestly, an angel that anyone would be lucky to have.”

His words made Toby smile so brightly that Adil thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He would do everything he could to make Toby smile like that again.

“Are you asking me on a date?” Toby probed, “Because if so then that is the most charming way I have ever been asked.”

“Yes, I am asking you out,” Adil laughed, feeling as if a weight had been lifted off of his chest.

“Okay. Yes. I think that would be nice,” Toby replied shyly, his cheeks heating up before he looked away from Adil.

“You only think?” Adil joked, hoping that Toby would look at him again so he could see his gorgeous eyes.

Toby just laughed but didn’t reply, and Adil could tell he was getting caught up in his thoughts, that he was imagining all the ways he could do something to ruin it. And Adil didn’t want him writing them off before they had even started.

“Hey,” he said softly, moving his free hand to cup Toby’s face, causing him to finally look up again.

“It will be amazing. And the kiss the other night? It may not have been ideal but… I didn’t hate it. Do you not remember how I reacted?”  

Toby smiled at him again and it made Adil’s breath catch in his throat and caused his heart to skip a beat. This was a different smile. It was almost sly, and it was definitely suggestive.

“No, I don’t. Perhaps you’ll have to remind me.”

Adil had a second to think _smooth Toby, very smooth_ before he leant forward and captured Toby’s lips with his own.

It was an awkward kiss. They were both smiling. Both couldn’t stop smiling. It had none of the desperation of their first one, but it was nicer. It was calm and quiet and a glance into what could be. There was no rush, they could’ve sat on that bench for hours. Adil moved his hands to grab Toby’s waist and in return Toby’s hands snaked their way around Adil’s neck. The kiss deepened but it still wasn’t frenzied or rushed. It was just as slow, just as soft, but also passionate. Toby kissed like it was the most important thing he had to do. He poured emotion into it. And Adil felt himself surrender completely to this new feeling that was overtaking him. He had never been kissed like this before. Not like he had mattered so much. Kissing Toby made him feel special. And he hoped that somehow Toby would feel that too.

They pulled away and Adil scratched his previous thought. This was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Toby breathing heavily, his lips swollen, his pupils dilated and a look of want on his face. Adil couldn’t help but shiver because of the things he was feeling. He knew he must look the same, but even more wrecked because Toby’s hands had been running through his hair, which would now be all messed up. But Adil didn’t care.

They didn’t say anything, just sat and stared into each other’s eyes as they caught their breath. A massive grin appeared on Toby’s face and Adil beamed back in return before Toby reached out and grabbed his face with both of his hands, pulling him in for another kiss.

It pained Adil to have to pull away again but he didn’t know how long they had been sitting there for, and he really did have to get up early. So he managed.

“Here,” he said, pulling his phone out of his pocket and handing it over to Toby.

“And what would you like me to do with this?” Toby joked, turning it over in his hands.

Adil just smacked him lightly on the arm with a laugh, and he saw the smile appear on Toby’s face again, his eyes crinkling at the side.

“Just put your goddamn number in so I can go home and sleep.”

So Toby did. And they both stood up.

“So which one’s yours?” Toby asked, looking around the street.

“That one,” Adil replied, pointing at his house which was a few away from where they were standing.

“Okay, let’s get you home then,” Toby smiled, offering a hand out to Adil who grabbed it willingly with a laugh.

It wasn’t long before they were stopping outside of the door to Adil’s house, and they both instinctively tightened their grip, not wanting to let go.

“Thank you for walking me home,” Adil said quietly.

“Well, I am a proper gentlemen.”

“Then you won’t be wanting another kiss then,” Adil teased, inching his face closer and closer to Toby’s. “If you’re a _proper_ gentlemen.”

Toby’s breath hitched and Adil felt a flutter in his stomach.

“Nope. I have decided I am not,” Toby said quickly before moving his head and crashing his lips onto Adil’s.

Adil couldn’t help but smile again as he kissed Toby once more. He didn’t think he would ever get tired of kissing him.

“I really do need to go now,” Adil said once they pulled back, moving a few steps closer to his door so there was some distance between them. So he wouldn’t be tempted to pull Toby in again.

“Are you free Saturday? You can come round here, I’ll cook for you?” Adil asked, a flutter of nerves still appearing even though he knew Toby was interested, even though he had just made out with him in his doorway.

“Yeah,” Toby breathed out with a smile, “There’s nothing I would like more.”

“Good,” Adil nodded, already preparing a menu in his head. “See you soon,” he said as he turned around to unlock the door to his house.

“Yeah, see you soon,” Toby replied.

Adil pushed open the door and stepped inside, turning to look at Toby. They both stood for a second just beaming at each other, before Toby nodded slightly and turned and walked away.

Adil closed the door and locked it up quietly, not wanting to disturb the rest of his family. He was still smiling as he walked up the stairs. Still smiling as he got his pyjamas on and brushed his teeth. Still smiling as he got into bed. And he fell asleep that night picturing a smiling Toby in his mind. He fell asleep feeling happier than he had been in a long time.  


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is full of cliches but it's cute, so I hope it's okay for you all!  
> I figured out that writing Adil as a chef when I have no idea about cooking is kinda hard :P  
> Anyway, enjoy :)

“Darling, stop worrying,” Adil heard as he hurried about the kitchen, checking and rechecking things, pulling utensils out of cupboards before deciding they wouldn’t be needed and shoving them back in.

“I need this to be perfect Mum, I can’t… I just… It needs to be perfect okay?” Adil let out, a slight tinge of panic to his voice.

“Oh honey, this boy must mean an awful lot to you if you’re in this much of a state over it,” his Mum replied, walking over to where Adil was now pacing in front of the cooker, alternating between checking his watch and checking the food.

“He’s definitely special,” Adil said with a smile, just thinking of Toby made one appear.

“Look. You are a chef Adil, are you not? If there’s one thing you could do perfectly in your sleep it’s cook a delicious meal. So relax. Stop worrying. Just have fun. Okay?” his Mum pressed, looking into Adil’s eyes. He knew that a mother is meant to say those kinds of things, is meant to praise you and build you up, but Adil knows that what she is saying is true. He _is_ a chef. A good one. And he can cook. He doesn’t even know why he’s worrying so much. He had never been this anxious about his cooking before. Not in any of his tests or exams, not when he was applying for a job a year back (which he didn’t get, but still, he hadn’t been nervous at all). But somehow, the thought of cooking for Toby made him break out into a sweat and start fussing over things that he knew were going to be fine.

“Okay Mum. You’re right,” Adil said, already feeling slightly better.

“You should know by now that I am always right,” she laughed in reply, squeezing Adil’s shoulders in support. “Now, we’re going to be out for food, and then the film finishes about half past eight. So we should be back around nine.” She explained, grabbing her handbag from the kitchen table and rummaging around, checking she had everything.

Adil was infinitely grateful to his parents. He only had to mention the word ‘date’ and they had arranged to take his little brother and sister out for the night, so he could have the house to himself for a few hours. Adil had thought that the first date was a bit early for the whole meet the family thing. And knowing Toby’s own situation he thought that perhaps he might find it either sad or uncomfortable or maybe even both. So he decided he would wait a while to introduce them all. Although he was sure his parents would love Toby and that his siblings would get on great with him.

Adil had to stop himself when he started thinking those kind of things. It was way, way too early to be entertaining the thought of a future with Toby. Tonight could be a disaster. Maybe they’ll find they have nothing to talk about, or one of them will have views on something that the other finds they can’t deal with. There were so many ways that this could go wrong. But Adil had to believe that it wouldn’t. That he and Toby together was right. The food would be perfect and Toby would come and they’d talk and they’d laugh and maybe even kiss. It will all be fine, he told himself. It will all be perfectly fine.

It was not fine.

To start off with, Adil had become so obsessed with his cooking that he lost track of time, and when the doorbell rang he was still wearing his everyday clothes. He froze as the ringing pierced through the silence of the house, glancing down at what he was wearing. A pair of skinny jeans and an old burgundy tank top. Not the outfit he had planned. He debated whether to run up and quickly change, but realised it would be rude to leave Toby standing outside on the doorstep, and he surely would panic if Adil didn’t make it to the door quickly.

He opened the door and smiled brightly at the sight of Toby standing there, hands in his pockets and glancing around nervously.

“Hey,” Toby greeted, running his eyes up and down Adil’s body, taking in his appearance.

“Well now I feel really overdressed,” he laughed, gesturing to the floral jacket and white shirt he was wearing.

“No! Not at all, you look lovely,” Adil reassured, moving out of the doorway to let Toby in. “I just got too caught up in my cooking that I didn’t notice the time, I’ll go and get changed now.”

“Really, it’s fine. Don’t go getting dressed up for me…” Toby teased, once again raking his eyes over him. Adil couldn’t help but blush as he felt Toby’s gaze focus on him. He wasn’t vain, but he knew that he looked good. It was one thing to know that objectively, but another thing entirely to have someone staring at you with want and desire. He didn’t know whether he missed awkward and stuttering Toby or if he liked this new confident and flirty Toby instead. Both were good, he decided.

Adil swallowed, and met Toby’s eyes as they made their way back to his face.

“I’ll just be one minute okay? Feel free to look around but just don’t touch any of the food,” Adil said, only half joking. If Toby was anything like any one of his family members simply just being near the food when it was cooking would ruin it. Adil often wondered what his family would eat if they didn’t have him.

He changed hastily into a nicer pair of jeans and a dark navy shirt. He spent a few minutes trying to tame his hair but it wasn’t co-operating, and he quickly decided that he would rather be with Toby downstairs, so he just let it be.

He hurried down the stairs and found Toby in their living room, looking at the pictures his Mum had on the wall. Toby turned round as he heard Adil walk in, and gestured to the photo he had been looking at with a smile.

“You were cute,” he said, a hint of teasing in his voice. Adil knew before he even looked what picture it was going to be. It was one of his favourites. Him and his Mum when he was a toddler. She was bending down and had her arms around him, looking down at him with an expression full of love and contentment. Adil was shooting a cheeky grin to the camera, also looking incredibly happy. It made him smile every time he saw it.

“Were? I’m not anymore?” he joked.

“I’d say you’re more devilishly handsome now. You’re less ‘Aww’ and more ‘I want to snog you senseless’,” Toby laughed, wandering over to where Adil was standing in the doorway, leaning against the wall. Adil felt a flutter in his stomach and his cheeks heat up, still not used to the simple way Toby let out compliments.

Adil let out a small chuckle but was cut off when Toby’s lips met his own. It started off sweet and innocent but quickly deepened.  Even though it had only been a few days since they had last kissed it was new enough that the sensations were still entirely overwhelming. He wound his arms around Toby’s shoulders, and felt Toby grab tightly onto his hips. He got lost in it. Lost in the feelings. At that moment there was nothing more important that kissing Toby. Nothing more important than hearing him gasp and moan into the kiss as they pulled each other closer.

Kissing Toby did one thing that had never ever happened to Adil before. It made him forget about his cooking. He didn’t know how much time had passed. He was so lost in Toby that he wasn’t thinking of much else, but when a flicker of sense came back to him he remembered.

He pulled back abruptly, almost stumbling over his own feet.

“Shit,” Adil exclaimed, hurrying into the kitchen. He hastily yanked the oven door open and grabbed an oven glove, pulling out the dish. He had decided to stick with a simple family recipe, something he had made dozens of times. And also something that wasn’t too spicy – he didn’t know what Toby’s tastes were like.

He looked down at it now and frowned, realising that it was ruined. He felt a twist of anxiety as he glanced at Toby, feeling as if he had let him down.

“Toby I’m sorry. It’s ruined,” he apologised, turning his back to Toby as he felt tears well up in his eyes. _Why are you getting so emotional?_  he scolded himself, _it’s just food._ But even as he thought these things he knew that it wasn’t just that. It was so much more. He felt like everything had been riding on it. Which was perhaps a bit too much to put onto one dish. He placed the ruined food onto the counter and threw the oven glove down beside it.

He felt Toby’s hand lightly on his back.

“Hey, it’s alright. It was my fault, I distracted you. Don’t worry about it,” Toby said softly.

“I know, it’s just that I said I would cook for you,” Adil mumbled, turning round to face Toby now that he had composed himself.

“Another time. Next time even. I’m hoping we’ll have plenty of opportunities for you to do it,” Toby smiled at him. Adil let out a deep breath and smiled back.

“Yes. Okay. Yes.” He said with a nod, not getting out anything more intelligent.

Toby just chuckled fondly at him and turned to look at the food.

“Are you sure it can’t be salvaged? It might still be edible, it doesn’t look bad…” he said, but Adil knew that it was only because Toby had no clue what it was actually meant to look like. 

Adil glanced down for a second to turn the dial on the oven, turning it off, and the next thing he knew Toby was swearing and there was a crash as the dish fell to the floor.

“Toby, what..?” Adil started, looking up quickly to see Toby standing with a sheepish look on his face, grabbing his hand.

“It was hot,” he explained, glancing down and biting his lip, looking embarrassed. “I’m so sorry!”

Adil could hear the distress in his voice, and knew that he was probably feeling extremely guilty and like he had just ruined everything.

“Well, we definitely can’t save any of it now,” Adil joked, trying to ease the tension that had suddenly surrounded them.

It was silent for a moment before Toby let out a small laugh. Adil cracked a smile at him and Toby smiled hesitantly back, seemingly accepting the fact that Adil wasn’t mad or upset.

“I have some pasta in the cupboard. I’ll just have to woo you with my incredible skills of boiling some water and cooking the pasta for the right length of time.”

Toby snorted, shaking his head at Adil.

“What, that doesn’t count as real cooking to you? That’s all I ever make,” Toby said.

Then they both broke, the sound of their laughter ringing through the empty house. It took them a minute to calm down, and then they were both just standing there, smiling soppily at each other.

“Run that hand under cold water so it doesn’t burn,” Adil ordered, as he broke himself away from looking at Toby and set about cleaning the mess on the floor.

“Yes, mother,” Toby joked, rolling his eyes but obediently walking over to the sink anyway.

Adil smiled as he cleaned. This was not how he had expected the night to go, it was not what he had planned at all. But he found himself thinking he wouldn’t have had it any other way. His nerves had all but evaporated, perhaps having such a disaster happen had been a good thing. Surely it couldn’t get much worse, and they had dealt with this with nothing but laughter. His cheeks were beginning to hurt he had been smiling so much, and the night had only just begun.

Once he had finished cleaning he made his way over to Toby, who was still standing at the tap. Thankfully he wasn’t burned – a trip to the hospital would definitely not make for a good first date.

He debated with himself for a second whether he should wrap his arms around Toby’s waist, but his doubts were drowned out by the happiness he was feeling. So he did.

Toby was taller than him. Much taller. So he had to stand on his tip toes to place his chin on Toby’s shoulder. The smile that had been on his face since he had first seen Toby that night seemed to get even wider as he felt Toby relax back into the embrace, letting out a contented sigh.

Toby turned the tap off and wriggled around so he was facing Adil, smiling as he leaned in for a kiss. Adil was all for it until he noticed the stain on Toby’s otherwise white shirt.

“Oh my God Toby, it’s all over your shirt!” he exclaimed pulling back and placing his hands on Toby’s arms so he could look down at the mess. Toby frowned as he glanced down himself.

“Here, take it off, I’ll try wash it,” Adil said, moving back to leave some space for Toby to manoeuvre out of it.

“You know, you didn’t need an excuse to get me to undress for you,” Toby replied with a smirk as Adil watched him fumbling with his buttons. Slowly more and more of Toby’s chest was revealed and Adil felt himself blush once more and didn’t say anything as he took the shirt from Toby, grabbing some stain remover from a cupboard under the sink. He had to force himself not to just turn around and stare at Toby, instead busying himself with scrubbing, trying to get the mess off of the shirt.

“I’m sorry if I’ve been a lousy date,” Toby said after a few minutes of silence.

Adil spun round and took in the sight of Toby standing awkwardly near the kitchen table, eyes trained onto the floor.

“You’ve been wonderful,” Adil said sincerely, and was happy to see Toby relax and smile up at him.  

“It’s only been half an hour and I’ve already gotten your shirt off,” Adil continued, earning a full on laugh from Toby, his head thrown back and eyes crinkling. Right then Adil vowed to always do whatever he could to make Toby laugh like that. He looked so carefree and happy, a far cry from the Toby earlier in the week.

“No, seriously. I’m having a great time,” Adil stressed, wanting Toby to believe him, needing Toby to believe him. Adil didn’t know quite how far his insecurities ran, but from what he had heard Adil knew that his self-esteem was extremely low, and that he probably thinks he’s messing things up when in fact it was rather the opposite.

“Me too,” Toby replied, beaming at Adil.

“I’ll just go grab you something to wear whilst yours dries,” Adil said.

“Or you could just take your shirt off too…” he heard Toby shout as he made his way out the room, causing him to laugh.

The rest of the evening went perfectly. Toby sat on the kitchen table, his long legs swinging back and forth as Adil cooked. He had offered to help but Adil was adamant that he was still going to cook for him, even if it was just pasta. He still made an effort, making the pasta sauce from scratch, adding in herbs and spices and some vegetables. It wasn’t in his nature to be simple when cooking. But it wasn’t as impressive as what he had planned. Although Toby didn’t seem to mind, since once they sat down to eat he told Adil that it was the best pasta he had ever tasted. Adil just scoffed at that but said thank you, silently preening from the praise.

They talked about whatever came to mind. They talked about nothing. They talked about everything. They talked and they laughed and Adil got to learn more and more about Toby as the night progressed. Got to dig slightly deeper into him, to start to piece together the puzzle that was Toby Hamilton.

Although they already knew a decent amount about each other they never ran out of conversation topics, never interrupted the calm, relaxed and happy atmosphere that had fallen over them. And by the end of the night Adil knew that it wasn’t going to take long to fall completely head over heels for this boy, even if he tried to stop it. He just hoped that Toby felt the same. And if the laughs and smiles that Adil managed to pull out of him were anything to go by, he’d say the chances of that were very likely.

The time passed far too quickly and before Adil knew it Toby was standing at the door, as reluctant to leave as Adil was to let him. He was still in Adil’s t-shirt, as his own shirt still wasn’t quite dry. He promised to return it at their next meeting but Adil couldn’t help but like the idea of Toby having a part of him, even if it was just an item of clothing.

“Thank you for tonight,” Toby said, wringing the shirt in his hands as if he was still nervous.

“Thank you for being an amazing date,” Adil replied, wrapping his arms around Toby and giving him a short but sweet kiss that was returned enthusiastically.

Toby pulled away and smiled as he pushed the door open, letting in the cold air and causing Adil, who was only in his short sleeved shirt, to shiver slightly.

“I’ll see you soon?” Toby asked.

“Yeah, see you soon,” Adil answered, feeling so incredibly content that he knew the smile would still be plastered on his face long after Toby had left.

Toby nodded in response, leaving with a quick but lingering kiss and a piece of Adil’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys have any modern day prompts/scenes you would like to see feel free to send me them and I could try and do it justice and fit it into the story! In my plan a few are just 'Cute chapter' or 'Will figure out later' so any ideas would be fab! I can't guarantee that I will definitely put it in but I will try :)  
> Thank you to everyone who is reading, I'll try and get the next chapter up within a week or so!


	6. Chapter 6

It was almost six weeks before Toby met any of Adil’s family. He didn’t think it was a coincidence that it had taken that long, the amount of times he had been round there. He knew that Adil must make arrangements to have the house to himself, just one of the ways he was sweet and caring.

Toby had woken up in the morning, arms wrapped around Adil. It was the first time Toby had slept over. It had been Saturday night, and Adil’s mother and siblings had been away to their grandparent’s for the weekend, and his father away at a work conference. Nothing had happened, they had simply fallen asleep watching a movie and since it was extremely late when they had both woken from it Adil had suggested Toby stay the night, but only to sleep he had stressed.

Toby wouldn’t allow things to escalate past making out at Adil’s, even if they were alone. He was always paranoid that someone would come home and walk in on them. Toby’s flat was a different story though. Their first time had been on the second visit there. Adil had Toby pressed against the door inside his bedroom. Firmly locked although none of Toby’s flatmates would dare have disturbed them. They probably knew exactly what was going on, but they had a rule that as long as you couldn’t hear anyone then it was all fine. Toby had never been so infinitely grateful for the sound proofing of the rooms as Adil’s leg slipped in between his own, causing him to moan rather loudly into Adil’s mouth. Adil pulled away slightly, his lips still close enough to Toby’s that he could feel his breath coming out in pants.

“Do you want to…?”

“God, yes Adil. Yes. Please…” Toby moaned, attaching his lips back to Adil’s and moving his hips faster.

Toby had thought their first time would have been quick and frantic. That they wouldn’t have been able to get each other’s clothes off fast enough. But, as Toby was coming to realise, Adil was always a surprise.

They had undressed each other slowly, piece by piece. Each new sliver of skin being thoroughly explored, by hands and mouths, before moving onto the next. 

Toby had never felt so desired, so cherished, as he had when he was with Adil.

And after they had lain on Toby’s bed, hands joined, as if they couldn’t bare to let each other go. As if they needed to still be connected.

But even that moment hadn’t compared to the feeling of falling asleep in Adil’s arms. Lying there, hands clasped together, Adil’s fingers stroking Toby’s as he fell asleep. It was hardly the most intimate thing they had done. And yet Toby had never felt so close to someone before.

When he had awoken Adil was draped over him, his head on Toby’s chest and legs intertwined. Toby could feel his breath on his skin, could feel his chest moving with every breath he took. He had lain there, hand carding through Adil’s hair slowly until the other boy had woken up.

Toby was greeted with a blinding smile and a lingering kiss on the lips. Nothing more. But the tenderness of that moment was unlike anything Toby had ever felt before.

 _Was it love?_ he thought to himself. This feeling of completeness when Adil was around. His heart beating faster and a smile appearing on his face every time he saw him. The way that Adil made him feel safe and whole and someone who was worthy of everything they could ever want. A real person. Adil made him feel like a real person. And that was something so strange and foreign to Toby he was just now figuring out what it meant.

Perhaps it was too soon to be in love. He felt silly even thinking it. How did he know that he loved Adil? How would he know, when he had never felt such a thing before?

Adil broke him out of his thoughts by running a hand up and down Toby’s arm.

“So? Will you go and make us some tea whilst I have a quick shower? I need to be at work by 12 today, Sunday football and all.”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course. Do you want anything to eat?” Toby answered, watching Adil as he rolled away from him, sitting up and stretching, his back muscles rippling.

“Thought we could grab something on the way there if you want? If you don’t have any plans for the next couple of hours?” Adil said, turning round to look at Toby.

“No plans. That sounds lovely,” Toby replied, eyes still glued to Adil as he stood up and made his way to the bathroom, his boxers hanging low on his hips.

“If you’re not going to join me stop staring and go get me my tea,” Adil shouted back over his shoulder.

Toby entertained the idea for a second, but he had still not gotten over his insecurity of doing … things … in the house.

And it was just as well he hadn’t, because he got such a shock when he walked into the kitchen and a voice said “Hello.”

Toby, who had just started the kettle and was reaching up to open the cupboard to get the mugs, jumped and ended up bashing his knee on the cabinet in front of him.

He whipped around and saw who he assumed to be Adil’s father sitting at the table, the morning paper in his hands.

“Oh… umm… good morning Sir,” Toby managed to stutter out, pushing back into the cabinets behind him as if he was trying to put as much distance between the man and himself. But there was nowhere for him to go.

Toby felt his cheeks heat up and his heart start to beat a bit faster in his chest from the anxiety. He had no clue how Adil’s father was going to react. If it had been in his house, and a boy had walked into a room with his father wearing only joggers, then he knew what his reaction would’ve been. And it would not have been good.

Toby held his breath, waiting to see what would happen. But instead of one of the terrible scenarios that had been circling round his head all Adil’s father did was smile at him.

“Sir. I like you,” he laughed. “Please, call me Aasif. You must be the wonderful Toby we’ve been hearing all about.”

“Yes, hello,” Toby replied with a nod, mentally kicking himself at his incompetence. He turned back around to busy himself with getting the mugs and tea bags ready.

“Would you like a cup of tea?” he offered, avoiding looking at the other man. He was still on edge, even though the reaction had been nothing but welcoming.

“That would be great,” he got in reply.

It was just then he realised what Adil’s father must have thought they had been doing. What else would he think when a shirtless boy wanders into his kitchen at ten o’clock in the morning, going straight to the kettle as if he had done it many times before? Which he had, but not in that situation.

Toby almost opened his mouth to say something, to reassure Aasif that nothing had been going on. But he felt the blush before he had even began to form the words and knew that even mentioning it would be humiliating. So he didn’t say anything.

The silence in the room wasn’t awkward, but Toby couldn’t help but wish Adil would come down and break the tension that enveloped him. But it had only been two minutes, and Adil was not that quick at showering.

“Adil tells me you’re an Oxford student. That’s interesting,” Aasif said, and Toby was both grateful and uneasy at the chance to make conversation.

“Yes, English and Literature,” Toby replied, knowing that Adil had probably told him that as well, but not knowing what else to say. “I’m loving it,” he continued.

The kettle clicked as it finished boiling and Toby quickly picked it up, filling up the mugs one by one.

“That’s great to hear, I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Do what you love, that’s what I’ve always said to Adil.”

Toby nearly spilt the boiling water all over himself as he heard those words. Do what you love. It was the complete opposite to what his own father had told him. He had never heard those words before, and it made him smile.

Toby then reached for the milk, pouring a small amount into each mug before grabbing one and taking it over to the table, smiling brightly at Aasif as he handed it over.

“Thank you. Please, sit,” Aasif said, gesturing to the chair next to him.

“I really should get this up to Adil…” Toby started, lifting one of the mugs he had picked up.

“Oh nonsense! He’ll come down when he’s ready. He keeps you locked up enough as it is, I want to get to know you better, Toby.”

Toby let out a shaky smile as he pulled the chair back and sat down, placing one mug off to the side and bringing the other up to his lips. If he was drinking he didn’t have to talk. Classic avoidance tactic.

“We were starting to think he had made you up. He would go on and on about you but as the weeks went by and we never saw we did wonder. But here you are! Sitting in front of me drinking tea. As real as I am.”

Toby just chuckled in response, not knowing what to say. He was delighted at the fact that Adil had been talking about him, a lot if his father were to be believed. He filed that piece of knowledge away for later.

He couldn’t help but still feel anxious and awkward though. From the few things Aasif had said already Toby knew he was nothing like his own father, but instead of feeling relieved by that Toby just felt even more nervous. He was so far out of his comfort zone.

He sat there sipping on his tea, contributing to the conversation when needed, although he never said more than a sentence at a time. Aasif didn’t seem to mind, and was happy enough to keep talking for the both of them.

He was relieved when he heard Adil’s footsteps padding downstairs.

“Oh, hi Dad. Didn’t think you were going to be back until the afternoon,” Adil greeted, walking quickly over to Toby. He placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze, and Toby looked up to see concern written all over his face, wordlessly asking if he was okay. Toby gave him a smile, and although he knew Adil could tell that it was strained he would be able to see from the gesture that Toby was fine. Adil flashed him a smile in return before sitting down at the seat next to him, immediately grabbing his hand under the table. This caused Toby’s cheeks to heat up but having that anchor calmed him down considerably, and he could feel his heart beat slowing, his anxiety melting away.

Things were so much easier with Adil there. Toby found himself actually enjoying the older man’s company. Once they moved onto topics not directly related to himself he relaxed, and was able to contribute more and more to the conversations as time went on. It was nice. To sit with Adil and his father and just talk. Not about anything in particular, not because they had been forced to sit at the same table and socialise, not to be ridiculed or shouted at. It was something Toby had never had but also something he hadn’t ever realised he wanted.

Adil excused them after a while, and they left with a smile from his father and a promise to see him soon.

As soon as they made it up to the room Adil began to apologise.

“I’m so sorry Toby, I wasn’t expecting him to be back! I didn’t want you to meet like this, I knew it would be difficult for you. Are you alright?”

Toby felt his breath catch in his throat as he understood the meaning of Adil’s words. Adil had kept him away because he thought it would hurt him. That after what happened with his own father it would be too much. It was such a considerate and selfless thing to do.

Toby just reached out and pulled Adil into a hug, relaxing into the embrace.

“Adil, I’m fine. It was… really nice actually,” he assured, feeling Adil squeeze him tighter in return.

“Really? I know he can be a bit much sometimes…” Adil trailed off, stepping back and looking Toby in the eye, trying to find any sense of discomfort. But there was none.

“No, not at all. It was a lovely morning to follow a lovely night.”

“I guess that makes us official then? Now that you’ve met my dad,” said Adil.

Toby let out a small chuckle but could already feel anxiety at the thought of telling his mother. Of what she would say, how she would react. He couldn’t do it, not yet. Not when everything was so perfect. She would have the opportunity to ruin everything. To burst the bubble of happiness Toby had been floating around in. He didn’t want to give her that power. Not yet. But he looked at Adil, the sweetest most caring and loving man he had ever met, and he knew that he wanted his family to know. He wanted them to see how important Adil was to him. But he was still unsure what would happen when he did.

Toby had been slowly building his relationship with the rest of his family. It was still quite awkward around his mother, but things had been going well with Freddie. He was the easiest to forgive, because he had just been a child, Toby reasoned. He had been scared and felt threatened and although he hadn’t done much to stand up for him, even as they had grown older, Toby could see that he genuinely regretted it. That he was ashamed of what he had done, or hadn’t done. And Toby was tired, so so tired, of holding onto the hate. He didn’t want his father ruining his whole life. So he tried his best to forgive, to move forward.

Sure, there were some moments when he still felt the old bitterness creeping back up, but overall things were going well. Great even. They could actually sit and talk, and tell each other things. And Toby wanted him to know. He wanted to share with Freddie the best thing in his life.

Just not yet.

“Listen, Adil. I want you to know that I am invested in this, in us, and that it was nice to meet part of your family. But mine… my family are so much different. I want to tell them, really I do. But just not right now. I want to wait until the right time. Is that okay?” Toby asked hesitantly, seeing the smile fall slightly from Adil’s face.

“Oh okay. Yeah sure, that’s fine,” Adil shrugged, turning away.

Toby reached out and grabbed his arm, spinning him back towards him.

“I will tell them. I promise. Soon. It’s just after everything we’ve been through recently… I want to do it right. Please tell me you understand,” Toby said, eyes raking over Adil’s face, trying to read his expression. He needed Adil to understand.

“I understand Toby. Your family is different. I get that. And I won’t pressure you to tell them. Just… just don’t keep me waiting forever,” Adil replied.

“I won’t. Promise. How about in the mean time we plan a meeting with the rest of your family? Your dad was lovely, and I’ve heard so much about the others.”

“Are you sure? That’s quite a commitment.”

“Of course. I want to assure you that I’m serious about this, about us. That we’re not going away. And until I can build up the courage to tell my mother and Freddie, this is the best way to do it,” Toby said. 

“You don’t have to do this for me. I understand Toby.”

“I’m not. I’m doing it for me. I want this,” Toby said, wrapping his arms around Adil and pulling him close. He felt Adil embrace him back and smiled.

“Well I’m glad. I want you to get on well with them.”

Adil pulled out of the hug, shooting Toby a blinding smile.

“Now that we’ve got the serious stuff out the way… how about we make this morning even better?” Adil smirked, stalking forward and making Toby step back until he was up against the wall, Adil crowding into him.

“We can’t…” Toby muttered, his breath catching as Adil placed a soft kiss on his neck.

Toby closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them and giving Adil a quick peck on the lips before pushing him away.

Adil pouted at him but moved back, allowing Toby to walk into the centre of the room.

“I’m not doing anything whilst your dad is here. No way.”

Adil just sighed but Toby knew he didn’t really mind.

“Oh come here,” Toby relented, and Adil scrambled over to him.

Toby grabbed Adil’s face in both his hands, and they both smiled brightly before Toby pressed his lips against Adil’s.

He pulled pack after a few moments.

“Can I borrow something to wear? I don’t really want to wear yesterday’s clothes.” Toby asked, bringing a smile to Adil’s face.

“Of course,” Adil said happily, hurrying over to wardrobes to look out something as Toby headed to the bathroom. 

 

It turned out that summoning the nerve was easier said than done though, as the weeks went on and Toby still hadn’t found the courage to tell them. Freddie was the easiest, the person Toby was least apprehensive about. He had tried to tell him, he had planned to, but every time he chickened out. He would go to say the words but then picture the look of disgust on his father’s face when he had come out, and morphed it onto Freddie’s. Things were going so well between them and even though Toby was almost certain Freddie would only be happy for him he still couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Adil had never brought it up again and so Toby took that to mean he didn’t care. That he knew Toby would do it when he was ready, when he found the right time.

Despite this small shadow hanging over them, the couple of months with Adil had been the happiest Toby had ever had. As long as he had Adil by his side he felt like everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel a bit meh about this chapter but wanted to get something up. I hope you all don't mind all the cliches i'm throwing out, just let me know if it gets too bad haha! 
> 
> It's going to be at least a couple of weeks until I can post again - I'm going away on holiday so won't have any spare time. I've already written a lot of the next chapter though so hopefully I can get it posted within a few days of returning. 
> 
> I am really grateful for the response this story has gotten so far. Every comment and kudo and read makes me immensely happy and I hope you are all enjoying it as much as I am enjoying writing it. I don't know about you guys but I'm not ready to let these two go :P I have plenty more chapters planned so I hope you will stay with me!  
> Thanks to every single one of you :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Description of panic attack (near end)

“You’re mad.”

Adil just sighed and looked up from where he was leaning against the wall next to the doors of the cinema.

Toby was standing in front of him, hands in his pockets, an apologetic look on his face.

“Yes Toby, I am.” Adil replied harshly, turning round and walking away without even waiting for the other boy.

He heard Toby scrambling after him, heard his footsteps on the pavement as he hurried to catch up.

They’d had an amazing date. Adil had mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he was a big Marvel fan, and Toby had surprised him that evening with tickets to see the newest film. It had been sweet. They had held hands throughout the movie, shared popcorn. They had even shared a few kisses, although Adil couldn’t bring himself to miss too much of the film, no matter how appealing Toby and his mouth were.

The movie was funny and intense and the experience was made better by the presence of Toby by his side. Yes, the movie was perfect. It was after the movie that was the problem. They were coming out the screen, laughing and smiling, their entwined hands swinging between them when Toby caught sight of someone across the hall. He had immediately yanked his hand from Adil’s grip, and avoided his inquisitive gaze.

Everything made sense a moment later, when the boy shouted Toby’s name and meandered over, clapping him on the back and starting up a conversation. Adil just stood silently by Toby’s side, feeling a bit hurt. He had zoned out pretty quickly as the conversation turned to Oxford and cricket and rowing, all things of which he knew nothing and did not particularly care about. He became alert again at the sound of his name.

“…Adil, my friend. And Adil this is Mark, he…”

Friend. He had literally said ‘my friend’. Adil couldn’t help the anger that bubbled up from inside him, even as Toby laughed on at his side, oblivious. Before he could say something he regretted he excused himself and told Toby he would wait for him at the exit. He suddenly wanted to be nowhere near this conversation. Or Toby.

So that was why Adil was mad. That was why he had been waiting outside on his own. That was why he was walking away from the cinema with a heart full of hurt instead of happiness.

Toby reached out and clutched at Adil’s arm, stopping him from walking.

“I’m sorry Adil. I didn’t think…”

Adil cut him off, not able to keep the frustration out of his voice.

“That’s your problem Toby you don’t think. You didn’t take one second to stop and wonder how it would make me feel.”

“Adil, that’s not…”

They were standing in the middle of the pavement, the street lights shining down on them, allowing Toby to see something that he had never witnessed before on Adil’s face. Anger. His hand was still gripped tightly onto Adil, scared that if he let up even the tiniest amount that Adil would just walk away from him. Things had been going so well between them. They were perfect. But now Toby had ruined it.

“You didn’t even have to justify it you know? You could’ve just said ‘This is Adil.’ You didn’t have to tag on the friend at the end,” Adil snapped.

Toby knew that. As soon as the word had left his mouth he had regretted it.

“Look, let me explain,” he all but pleaded. He looked into Adil’s eyes and tried to find something of the usual Adil. Instead, he saw tears starting to build up, and it made his heart constrict painfully in his chest because _he_ did that. _He_ had upset Adil. And he didn’t even have a good reason to justify why.

“He’s the son of one of my mother’s friends. I haven’t... I haven’t had the chance to tell her yet, about us. And I don’t want her to find out from some rumour. I want to tell her myself,” he spoke quietly, hoping that Adil would understand. He knew all about his family after all. Toby slid his hand down Adil’s forearm, trying to intertwine their fingers, trying to do something, anything, to make him see how much he cared.

“You still haven’t told your mother?” Adil hissed, jerking his hand away from Toby’s, leaving him grasping at thin air.

“Adil, you know I haven’t. We talked about this.”

“That was a month ago!” Adil shouted. “I thought maybe something would have changed by now. I thought that maybe now I would be worth it.”

“You are worth it…” Toby started before being cut off by Adil’s upset voice.

“I’ve been patient. So patient. And it’s not easy for me, waiting for things to happen that I desperately want. Waiting for you to acknowledge that what we have is something real.”

“I thought you didn’t mind. I thought if it was bothering you then you would’ve said something,” Toby said, wondering how he could’ve been so oblivious.

“Of course it bothers me, knowing I’m not important enough for you to tell your family about us. It was easy to hide my feelings of disappointment when I wasn’t being reminded of it. I didn’t say anything because I don’t want to pressure you. I kept telling myself he’ll do it soon. Toby does care about you. He’ll do it soon. But the way you acted tonight…”

“It’s not because I don’t want to tell them, please believe me! It’s just… I haven’t seen my mother recently, and I want to tell her face to face,” Toby tried to explain, but the excuse sounded half-hearted even to him.

Adil didn’t quite roll his eyes, but Toby could tell he was thinking the same thing.

“Yeah? Well if that’s the case why doesn’t Freddie know?” Adil questioned.

Toby did not have an answer. Not a valid one anyway.

“I don’t… He… I…”

Adil just shook his head slightly, a frown appearing on his face.

“I know you’re not a cruel person Toby. And I know you’d never say a harsh word about anybody. But sometimes what you don’t say carries far more weight than what you do say.”

Toby felt like crying. He could feel the tears starting to build up, the lump in his throat that meant this would be a bad one. He had never intended for Adil to feel this way, had never wanted to hurt him. He wanted to tell them, he truly did, but he had just not been able to find the courage yet. He thought Adil hadn’t minded, but as he watched Adil’s expression morph from anger into hurt he realised he had misread the situation.

“Look, Toby. I’ve dated closeted guys before and it hasn’t gone well. What I want is a relationship. Not a secret.” Adil said.

“I’m out Adil, you know I am. I told you all about how my father reacted.” Toby stammered, trying to push down the panic he could feel creeping up on him.

“Well sometimes you don’t act like it. I know that you didn’t have it easy, and that coming out for you was drastically different from my experience. And I understand your reasons for why you haven’t told them, honestly. But it’s been months now, and it hurts me. I’ve been patient, I thought you would do it when you were ready - you’ve said to me you were going to - and yet here we are. I’m starting to think that the time will never come. Why would you say you would tell them if you had no intention of actually doing it? That’s not the point though…” Adil broke off with a shake of his head, as if he was trying to get himself back on track.

“Not telling someone is drastically different to actively hiding from people, lying to people about what we are to each other. I will not let you force me into lying for you. I know you have struggles but that doesn’t give you the right to treat me this way. I don’t appreciate being treated like a dirty little secret.”

How did Toby let it get this far? He wanted to shout at Adil - I love you! But he knew that it would not help the situation at all, even if it was the truth. How had he not seen that this was how Adil was feeling? How had he not realised that by putting off telling his family he was making Adil doubt him? Turns out he was just as awful at relationships as he was at everything else he ever tried.

“Adil I’m so sorry. I never thought…”

“Are you ashamed of us? Of me? Is that why you’re hiding this?” Adil cut him off, causing Toby to produce a sound which was half protesting shout and half sob.

“No of course not! Adil, please, let me make it up to you,” he pleaded. He could feel his hands shaking at his sides and fisted them up, digging his nails into his palms, trying to keep a grip on reality. Although reality wasn’t looking so good right now.

“Toby, just listen to me.”

Toby suddenly felt cold as he realised where this conversation was heading. He could feel his heart pounding relentlessly, was overly aware of the quickened pace of the beat. Adil was standing just out of reach, looking directly into Toby’s eyes.

“Adil…” he whispered brokenly.

“No. Let me finish. I realise now that I am far more invested in this than you. I know we’ve only been together a few months, but I am not someone who enters a relationship without thinking there is a chance for the long term, some kind of future together. And maybe it was unfair to assume you would feel the same. We’re both young. You have a long time ahead of you to find someone. Someone better. Someone more appropriate. So perhaps I’m just a pretty face, a rung on your ladder that you climb on your way to whoever you will settle down with. Someone not worth mentioning to your family. But if that’s the case then I need you to tell me. Because I cannot be with you like this. Not if I’m just a quick screw who means very little to you.”

“You can’t think that, after all I told you. That night, after my father, and…” Toby reached out to Adil again with a shaky hand, but Adil just stepped back. He had never thought of being able to touch Adil as a privilege before, but now that he has had it taken away Toby can’t help but wish he’d touched him more. He wished he’d done a lot of things.

“You were completely plastered and grieving that night. A combination which always makes people do things they usually never would,” Adil said.

“No that’s not what it was,” Toby argued, shaking his head.

“You’ve said before you regret it.”

“I don’t regret telling you. Or kissing you. I’ve never regretted that. I was just ashamed of my actions, that our first kiss had happened in the worst, most unromantic way.”

“Please Toby, just tell me. What do you want?” Adil asked, almost deflating as the anger seeped out of him.

“I want you,” Toby replied simply, not being able to come up with something better to say due to the beating of his heart and the terror that was drowning out his ability to think properly. He watched as Adil looked away, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“You say that, Toby, but your actions contradict your words. You tell me you feel the same, that I mean something to you, but then you drop my hand as soon as you see someone you know. You keep us a secret. If you honestly truly do care about me, if you think we could have a future together, then why haven’t you told your family about us?” Adil demanded.

Toby didn’t have a good excuse. Honestly, he didn’t know why he hadn’t told them. Especially Freddie. Their relationship had never been the best, but lately they had been acting more like brothers than rivals. Toby had many chances to tell him, but he hadn’t. And he knew a part of him was still afraid at how he would react, even though he had been nothing but supportive when he had come out. His father had left many things behind when he passed, and one of them was this scar on Toby - how he couldn’t help but feel like he would disappoint them all in some way. He could’ve explained this to Adil. Could’ve tried to make him understand. Adil would understand. Instead he pushed down those thoughts, and said quietly,

“Emma knows.” Toby had kept her in the loop since they had first got together, and she had been nothing but supportive.

“Oh wow. Whoop de fucking do Toby. Your brother’s girlfriend knows. I have officially been welcomed into your family. Say, when should I come round for the first Sunday dinner..?” Adil said bitingly, sarcasm oozing from every word.

“Adil, you know my relationship with my family is complicated. They are not like your family, who support you and love you no matter what. I’ve always been treated like I wasn’t enough. You have a real family. I have relatives. And yes, Freddie and I are working things out, and things are getting better. But I don’t want to complicate things by…”

“Oh so that’s all I am to you? A complication?” Adil’s voice was raised now. Not quite shouting at Toby but it wounded him just the same.

“No that’s not what I meant!” Toby yelled, the feeling of dread overpowering him. God, how come everything he said just made things worse? Emotions were running high for both of them, he could tell that Adil was just getting more and more angry and more and more upset. He knew neither of them were thinking rationally at the moment. But Toby needed Adil to understand. He needed him to see how much he cared for him.

“Look, these past couple of months the only thing that has made me happy is the fact that I have you.”

“No. You don’t Toby. You don’t have me.”

Toby felt sick.

“Adil, please,” he begged, going to reach out for him again but aborting the movement before he could touch him, noticing the way that Adil flinched back for the second time.

“Look, I’m not trying to pressure you into telling your family. I understand that it’s difficult for you. But I have insecurities too. And realising you don’t want anyone to know, that you are actively trying to hide our relationship? It makes me think you’re not as serious about this as I am. I think… I think we need to take a break. You need to figure out what it is you want. Because I’ve been completely honest with you from the start and I can’t take being treated like I’m just an inconvenience.”

Toby took in Adil’s defeated look. The way his eyes were filled with tears. From sadness? From frustration? Toby couldn’t tell. But he had no right to demand Adil stay with him. No right to make him listen to his half assed excuses. He had no right to do anything. Because Adil wasn’t his. Not anymore.

“If… if that’s what you want,” Toby managed to choke out, his voice trembling. He could feel a tear slip out, despite how much effort he was using to try and keep them in. He let it travel slowly down his cheek, but reached up to wipe it away before it could pool at his chin. He shouldn’t be crying. He was the one who had wounded Adil, hurt him beyond what he could even try to repair. Pleading now would’ve been like using a plaster to cover up a gunshot wound. Useless. He saw a glimpse of what could’ve been pain flash across Adil’s face. Then again, it could’ve been anything from contempt to pity. Toby was in no state right now to be figuring out what it meant. He was in no state to be doing anything other than crying. 

Adil didn’t say anything else, just gave a slow nod, acknowledging that yes, it was what he wanted, before turning and walking away. 

“I’ll… I’ll see you soon though?” Toby shouted to his retreating back, not being able to just watch him leave. Not like that.

It made Adil stop in his tracks and Toby couldn’t help the little seed of hope that started to bloom in his chest. Say it back Adil, he thought. Come on please. Say it back.

“Maybe,” is all he gets in reply, before Adil resumes his walking, leaving Toby alone at the side of the road.

He moves on autopilot, tears flowing silently down his face.

He eventually ends up not at his flat, but outside Freddie’s. He hadn’t even realised that was where he had been heading but now he understands that he needs the comfort of the one other person who knows about Adil.

He rings the door bell and prays that they are in, thinking if they weren’t he might just collapse onto the front steps of their building and break down.

“Hello,” he hears Freddie say brightly. He sounds so happy, so full of joy, that for a second Toby feels such a strong sense of hatred that he needs to take a deep breath and calm himself down. He cannot use the anger that he feels for himself and unleash it on other people.

“Fred, it’s me,” he manages to choke out. “Can I come up?”

“Toby! What’s wrong?” he asks, but Toby doesn’t reply, knowing he wouldn’t be able to do so without bursting into tears. Thankfully Freddie doesn’t push, and he hears the buzzer letting him know he has been allowed entry, hastily pushing the door open and heading up the stairs.

Freddie is waiting at the door to his flat, concern all over his face. What Toby had told Adil earlier was true, they were so much better. And he knew that Freddie cared for him an awful lot.

Before Freddie could open his mouth and question Toby further he says “Emma.” He knows he sounds broken and that his brother will be confused and slightly hurt that he is asking for her, but Toby can’t bring himself to care.

He hears Freddie’s voice but doesn’t hear what he’s saying as he is lead into the living room. Emma comes rushing in from somewhere, heading straight to Toby and placing a hand on either side of his face.

“Toby, Toby. Listen to me. Breathe with me okay?” she says, but Toby can hear the tinge of panic in her voice, which doesn’t really do much to help the situation.

“I fucked up Emma. God I fucked up. And now he’s gone.”

“Em, what is he talking about…”

“Shush Freddie now is not the time,” she said, her voice coming out harsh.

“So you had an argument? That’s okay. Couples argue all the time,” Emma said softly, trying to reassure him.

“Couples!” Freddie exclaimed, his voice slightly higher pitched than usual.

“Freddie please. You’re not helping. Either stay quiet or leave,” Emma snapped. It had been a while since Toby had suffered from a panic attack like this, but she was more than used to talking him through it as they were growing up. She knows the one thing he definitely does not need right now is Freddie’s cutting comments.

Toby just shakes his head, and he can feel the panic taking over, feel it squeezing the air out of his lungs.

“No no no Emma. I ruined it. It’s all my fault and he’s gone. He’s not coming back,” Toby sobbed, grabbing onto Emma, trying to anchor himself to her.

“Shh Toby. It’s not your fault,” she soothes, running a hand through his hair.

This just makes Toby cry harder because it was so utterly his fault that he can’t even comprehend how things had turned out like this.

He’d known it would only be a matter of time until he ruined things. Someone like him did not deserve someone like Adil. But still, it didn’t stop him from feeling like he had just lost the most marvellous thing is his life.

So he let himself break down, let himself cry into Emma’s arms. For tomorrow he would have to go back. Back to his flat, back to his classes, back to normal. But for now he let it all out. For now he will let himself wallow in heartbreak and self-pity. Just for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm... sorry?  
> Toby, Toby, Toby. He has certainly has problems and things to work on, but in the words of Edward Bluemel himself "Sometimes he gets stuff wrong but I like to think he was always well meaning". 
> 
> Thought it was about time to crack out the angst here. As I said to my sister "What's a story without a bit of angst?" which she replied "Happy." :P  
> But you guys would get bored if there wasn't any, right?
> 
> I would really appreciate your thoughts on this chapter, it was a hard one to write and I tried my best to do the characters justice, and although it's just how I think they both would react I would love to know what you other fans think!  
> I hope you can see where they are both coming from, and sympathise with the struggles for each of them. 
> 
> As always thanks so much for reading! Not sure when the next chapter will be posted as I have none of it written already but hopefully won't be too long!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit late but I have been meaning to say that the title for this story is taken from an amazing song by an amazing British artist called Billy Cullum who is just getting started in his music career.  
> If you want to check it out here is the link:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPElCqfO2hs

By the time Toby had calmed down enough to breathe again both Freddie and Emma were watching him with identical looks of concern.

He was sat on the sofa, a glass of water in one hand, his other tapping nervously against his leg.

He looked up to where his brother and Emma were sitting on the couch opposite, wanting to give him some space after his attack.

He hadn’t spoken for a while. They hadn’t spoken either. Toby could hear the ticking of the clock, it seemed to be the only thing he could focus on. He knew he couldn’t just sit there in silence. He knew that they deserved an explanation. But every time he thought about Adil he felt tears resurfacing.

“Thank you,” he said eventually, deciding to start with the easiest thing.

“Are you okay now Toby?” Freddie asked, worry evident in his voice.

“I’m better, thanks to you guys. But I’m not okay,” Toby replied, his voice cracking at the end of the sentence.

“What happened?” Emma asked softly, but Toby knew that before he explained the events that had lead him here he needed to tell his brother about Adil. He hadn’t wanted it to go like this. But maybe if it weren’t for this situation he would have kept putting it off and off. Too scared, too insecure to say anything. And maybe he would have lost Adil in the future, in an even more awful way.

He glanced over at Freddie and noticed there was no disgust or repulsion in his features, only worry and love. He must have pieced together some things from his outburst earlier – that he had a boyfriend, that he was serious enough to have a panic attack over. Toby had never mentioned any of his, well he couldn’t really call them relationships as such, but his partners. After coming out he hadn’t really reiterated the fact by bringing home another boy, or telling them about who he was seeing (or sleeping with). None of them had mattered much before. But this, what he had with Adil, it was completely different. And amazing. And lovely. And…. potentially over. Thinking that made his heart hurt. Because no matter what his actions had suggested, Toby _could_ picture a life with the beautiful barman, whose laugh lit up the whole room, whose enthusiasm about the things he loved could pull you in and make you smile too.

Toby looked at Adil and saw everything he had ever wanted and everything he wished he could be.

Proud and confident. Not scared and weak. Determined to live the life that he desired. Not to cower in the background and hide from who he is.

And he knew that he needed to try and fix things. Although his heart was still beating an irregular rhythm, and his palms were sweating and the glass in his hand was shaking slightly, Toby knew. He knew that he would shout it from the rooftops if it meant he had a chance at getting Adil back.

“Freddie there’s something that I need to tell you, that I’ve been trying to tell you. But every time I attempted I would freeze, it was like fear took over me and I was suddenly paralysed and unable to speak,” Toby started, looking right at his brother to try and gauge his reaction. His glance shifted over to Emma and he saw her encouraging smile.

“I’ve been seeing someone. Adil. He was there for me when father died, when I was feeling all the guilt and shame. He’s been there for me since, and he is the loveliest person I have ever known.”

Freddie didn’t look surprised, Toby suspected he had guessed that much.

“It’s… serious. Or it was. I’ve been round to his house, I met his parents and his younger brother and sister. But I hadn’t even told you about him. I was scared. So so scared of disappointing you, of seeing the disgust on your face or hearing you shout the same things that father used to…” Toby trailed off, looking away from Freddie and fighting the tears as the insults rolled around in his mind.

Freddie got up from his position across the room and made his way over to his brother, sitting down beside him and placing an arm around his shoulder. They had never been a comforting family, had never embraced or hugged the way Toby saw at Adil’s. So this, this meant everything to him. Because it was Freddie saying ‘I’m here for you,’ and ‘I’m not like father.’ It was a gesture of support and solidarity and Toby felt almost all of his worry drain away as soon as he felt his brother’s touch.

He could tell that Freddie wanted to say something, but Toby needed to get it all out. Now that he had started Toby felt like he wanted to tell him everything. Everything he had kept bottled up inside, he wanted to pour it out. To be free of the restraints and walls he had put around himself. So he started again before Freddie could open his mouth.

“And I thought it was okay. I thought he didn’t mind. But then today at the cinema I saw Mark. And… well… I introduced Adil as my friend. And he, appropriately, got angry and upset. He told me that not telling my family makes him think I don’t care about him enough, that the relationship isn’t serious. And I may have said some things in the heat of the moment, trying to explain. But I just made things worse. He said we needed to take a break, that I need to figure out what I want. I couldn’t make him see that I want him. I’m such a failure. Father was right, I don’t deserve anything.”

“No. Stop. Toby… the things father said to you, none of them are true. You deserve to be happy, to be with someone who makes you happy. And if Adil does that then he is who you deserve,” Freddie cut in, his grip around Toby getting tighter. Toby placed his glass on the table and then turned around so he was face to face with his brother. He felt tears welling up in his eyes as he saw the look on Freddie’s face. Toby could see he was upset and maybe even slightly angry at himself, but the thing that shone out over everything else was the love.

Toby had told him about Adil and he hadn’t laughed at him. He hadn’t sneered or shouted at him in disgust. Toby had told him and the world hadn’t ended. It was still spinning and time was still passing. But he knew. Freddie knew, and he didn’t care.

Toby felt overwhelmed with relief.

He pulled Freddie into a hug, and felt him stiffen slightly in surprise before he relaxed into it, embracing Toby and holding tightly.

“He makes me happier than I have ever been before,” Toby said quietly as he pulled away.

“I’m glad Toby. I honestly am. I’m so happy you’ve found someone who you can relax with and be yourself around, you always seemed so lonely and closed off,” Freddie replied.

“Yeah, well... I guess it’s one of those things that happened because of the way father treated me,” Toby said with a shrug. He knew he shouldn’t down play what had happened to him. Adil was always telling him that, telling him to come to terms with what he had gone through. And he had. But it still didn’t stop him from feeling like he didn’t have the right to complain.

“I’m sorry. So so sorry that I never stood up for you,” Freddie said.

Toby knew that Freddie felt guilty. That he believed himself to be a part of his pain. But Toby had never blamed him, not once. He had regularly felt disappointment and bitterness towards his brother, but never blame.

“Freddie you were just a child,” Toby stressed.

“So were you!” Freddie exclaimed, his voice raising, making Toby recoil slightly. Freddie noticed his reaction and sent him a silent apology, taking a deep breath to calm down.

“I was too scared. And because of that I let you suffer. I let you go through everything on your own,” Freddie said with a slight shake of his head.

“It’s okay,” Toby responded, placing his hand on his brother’s knee and giving a quick squeeze.

He watched as Emma walked over, having been quiet until this point, and she sat down next to Freddie, offering her support too. She sat crossed legged next to him on the sofa, one hand on his shoulder and the other gripping his tight, resting their clasped hands on his thigh. Freddie was angled towards Toby who was sat in the other corner, a slight gap between him and his brother.

“No, it’s not okay. But I’m going to try and be a good brother from now on. I want you to talk to me about things. I want you to know you can come to me with anything, day or night, and I will listen and be there for you,” Freddie said, and there was no doubt in Toby’s mind that he meant it entirely.

“You are a good brother Fred.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me about Adil?” Freddie asked. “Emma knew.”

“I wanted to tell you about him, I really did. But I was scared how you would react. I was scared I would disappoint you,” Toby answered quietly, and he watched as his brother deflated in front of him.

“Oh Toby, you could never disappoint me. You have to believe that. I didn’t realise it was still so hard for you, that even after coming out you had this struggle over telling me. I will never judge you, I promise. When you start a relationship I want you to know you can tell me, you can gush to me about how amazing the boy you fell for is, god knows I gushed to you enough about Emma. But I will always be proud of you for who you are. And who you love is not going to change that.”

“Thank you Freddie. That… that means a lot, honestly,” Toby replied, feeling himself welling up again.

“We love you Toby. You are incredibly brave and kind with so much love to give. And who you decide to give that love to will not change how we feel about you,” Emma supplied with a smile.

Toby let out a small laugh as he reached up to wipe away the few tears that had escaped. But unlike the tears earlier in the night these were tears of relief and happiness rather than pain.

Toby no longer felt fragmented. No longer felt as if there were different pieces of himself he had to play for others. A gigantic weight had been lifted from him and he felt liberated and free.

“So Adil. You love him?”

And with those words he felt himself crashing down. He couldn’t feel complete when he knew he could’ve lost Adil forever.

“With all my heart.  But he’s gone…”

“No. If he loves you he will let you explain,” Emma interrupted.

“I said I love him. Not that he loves me,” Toby argued, shaking his head.

“I think, from what you’ve told me, that he feels exactly the same,” Freddie said encouragingly.

“Does he know? About father and…”

“He knows everything.”

“And he still got mad?” Freddie asked, looking slightly offended. Toby felt an overwhelming urge to stand up for Adil.

“Freddie, he had every right to. It’s been months. I told him I was going to tell you. And then I pulled my hand from his and denied what we are to each other. Of course he was going to be mad. Of course he was going to doubt whether I cared as much about him as he did about me,” he explained. He did not blame Adil for acting the way he had, not at all.

“Did. I don’t think you should be using past tense,” Emma said.

“You just need to explain to him. Show him that you are as serious as he is. He’ll take you back, I’m sure of it,” Freddie added.

Toby desperately wanted to believe them. But they hadn’t seen the anger in Adil’s eyes, hadn’t heard the hurt in his voice, hadn’t had to watch him walk away.

“You need to share your pain, show your weaknesses to those you love. If you try to hide it you will only push them away. Let him in. Tell him that you’re scared – of losing your family, of losing him. He’ll understand,” Emma said softly, letting go of Freddie’s hand and leaning over him to grab Toby’s.

“I don’t know if I could do that. If I make myself so vulnerable then… he holds everything. He could break me without even trying. I’m scared to give him that.”

“I know you only feel this way because of everything father said to you. But Toby, showing your feelings is not a flaw. To give yourself to someone like that, to surrender yourself completely. There’s no better feeling.” 

Toby saw the way Freddie and Emma beamed at each other, and he knew they were end game. They were it for each other, and there would be no one else. Toby thought of Adil, and of how his heart still skipped a beat every time he saw him. How he could draw out smiles and laughs from Toby even on his worst days. How he had felt true happiness for the first time in his life when he was with Adil. And he could picture himself in Freddie’s place, with Adil’s arms around him, smiling soppily at each other. And his heart ached with the want that he felt.

“If you do nothing you’ll have lost him anyway. You need to fight. But Toby, think about it. He said you ‘need to figure out what you want.’ All he needs from you is reassurance. Guarantee that you are as serious about the relationship as he is. That you see a future. You’ve met his family, he wants you to be a part of their lives. He wants you. You’re not going to push him away,” Freddie said. And Toby couldn’t help but think he did have a point. He just needed to show that he was committed and devoted to the relationship.

“But if I tell him that I’ve told you now he’ll know it’s just because of our argument,” Toby pointed out, feeling like maybe Adil wouldn’t appreciate the sentiment if he thought Toby had only done it because he had felt forced to.

“That’s unimportant. What matters is that you’ve chosen to tell someone. You could’ve just gone home. You could’ve refused to tell Freddie, or could’ve lied to him. But the fact that you came here and were so willing to open up shows that you did want him to know. All you needed was that push,” Emma countered.

“But what if he doesn’t forgive me? What if I’ve lost him forever?”

“Then we will be here to help you through it. Whatever you need,” Freddie replied. “Stay here tonight. Please. And you can go to him tomorrow.”

Toby agreed and allowed Freddie and Emma to set him up on the sofa. But he couldn’t sleep. He lay there and lay there. Trying to think of what he would say. Of what he could do to show Adil how much he cared. And he decided he would do anything. Because he wasn’t ready to lose Adil. Perhaps he would never be ready to lose him. But he knew relationships took effort. And he was all for effort if it meant getting to hold Adil close again. If it meant getting to kiss him again, to see his beautiful smile again.

He would fix it.

He would show Adil that he loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is a bit better than the last chapter :P  
> Was so excited to get to write Toby and Freddie bonding and being supportive so I hope you all enjoyed it too!  
> I also meant to say if you ever notice any typos or mistakes pleaseeee let me know. I am notorious for making bad typos and there's only a certain number of times I can reread a chapter without wanting to delete it all and start over :P 
> 
> Next chapter may take a while because I think it's going to be quite a long one and I'm in the process of moving into my new flat and applying for jobs so I don't have as much free time! 
> 
> Teaser to tide you over: Toby and Adil talk and Freddie visits a certain pub for the first time.
> 
> Thanks as always for reading and all your support :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of emotional abuse

Toby’s hand shook as he reached up to press the doorbell. He had thought a lot about how to do this. He had wrestled with the idea of going to the pub, of waiting until Adil had finished his shift and talking to him. But that could very easily be seen as an ambush, and Toby did not want Adil to feel pressurised.

Coming to the house was the harder option. Because Toby had so many amazing memories from there. And standing here now with his heart thumping and a pit in his stomach just felt wrong.

It had taken Toby all morning to decide what to do. And then he had spent all afternoon picturing countless ways that the conversation could go. In the end Emma had all but shoved him out of the door. All that dithering about meant it was now just after five o’clock, and the sun had already begun to set. The early darkness was the one thing Toby hated about winter. He loved the cold, although many thought it to be bitter and aggravating Toby felt something calming about it. He loved getting bundled up in jumper upon jumper, with his hats and scarves and gloves to warm him, or an array of blankets and mug of hot chocolate in his flat. He loved the first flurry of snow, which was beginning to come earlier in the year much to his delight, and the white blanket that engulfed the whole city after a night of snowfall, the crunch of it under your feet as you walked.

Tonight wasn’t anything like that though. It was still early November so there wasn’t any snow, not yet. There was just a slight chill to the air. Toby had still shrugged on his winter coat and had wrapped the scarf around his neck that Emma had passed him on his way out the door.

Toby heard the door unlock, and the shiver that ran through him then was nothing to do with the cold.

The door swung open to reveal Adil’s father standing there, a tight frown on his face.

“Toby. What are you doing here?” he asked stiffly, and Toby could tell that he knew. How much detail he knew though was unclear. Had Adil told him everything? It wouldn’t be surprising. Toby had had the privilege to watch their family dynamics and the way they interacted. It was so unlike what Toby had, full of love and support and understanding. God knows Toby would never have told his father anything about his relationship drama. But with Adil and Aasif it was completely different.

“I need to see Adil,” Toby requested, making an attempt to peer around the body in the doorway to look into the house. But he couldn’t see anything and the attempt just made the frown on Aasif’s face even deeper.

“I don’t know what you did, but when my son came home in tears I knew that you had done something to hurt him. So I’m not sure I’m inclined to allow you to do that.”

Toby felt two emotions at once, both so abrupt and intense that they threatened to overwhelm him. The first was an aching sadness, the thought of Adil crying because of him, of hurting him and causing him pain. The second was a blind panic that he was quick to push down so it wouldn’t overtake him. He still felt it though, it was like an electric current flowing through his veins. He was terrified that he wouldn’t even get to see Adil, that he wouldn’t even get a chance to explain.

Out of all the scenarios he had pictured there hadn’t been one where Adil didn’t hear him out. The outcome varied, and featured everything from tears to shouting and, in the good ones, hugs and acceptance. But the one constant was that Adil listened to what he had to say.

“Please. Sir…” he added, but the use of the title seemed to make Aasif even more angry as he looked at Toby through narrowed eyes.

“Can you please just tell him I’m here. I’d – I’d really like to explain, to apologise,” Toby said, trying to sound more confident than he felt. Which, considering he felt zero confidence, should have been an easy task. But he could hear the apprehension and sadness in his own voice and knew that if Adil’s father saw the same there was no way he was getting allowed in.

“He’s not here. You should go home. Maybe try calling him before you come here again,” Aasif replied, an edge to his voice that reminded Toby of his own father. And the fact that he had been the one to bring this version of the man forward made his eyes begin to tear up. But he was determined to see Adil. He needed to explain. If he left it another day he didn’t know what would happen. But all he knew was that he needed to see Adil, today. And if that meant he had to wait then he would wait.

“Okay, ummm, do you - do you know when he’ll be back?” Toby queried, his voice getting pitchy as the panic began to weave itself around his heart. He mentally berated himself for stuttering but there was nothing he could do.

“No.” Was the curt reply that he received.

Before Toby could open his mouth to say something else a blunt “Goodbye Toby,” was muttered.

The panic began to squeeze, constricting his heart painfully so his voice sounded slightly strangled as he called out “I’ll just wait here then!” before the door was slammed in his face.

Toby let out a shaky sigh and brought his hands up to his head.

After a few deep breaths Toby ran his hands back through his unruly hair and sagged against the door, his forehead touching the cold surface. If anyone walked passed they probably would have stared at him, he must have looked very weird and extremely suspicious.

What was he doing? Would Adil even want to speak to him? Maybe he was wasting his time.

Then he thought of Freddie’s words, “If you do nothing you’ll have lost him anyway.”

And Toby did not want to lose Adil. Not at all.

So he gathered himself back together and spun away from the door, dropping down and settling himself on the front step.

Toby started off with his back straight, eyes trained on the road where he assumed Adil would come wandering down. But as time ticked on and the sun moved further and further and the sky got darker and darker Toby felt some of his hope start to trickle away.

As the minutes passed by Toby couldn’t help the way his posture worsened, until he was leaning fully against the hard door. It wasn’t comfortable, but Toby reasoned that he deserved a bit of discomfort for what he had done. He deserved much more than that. His leg was beginning to cramp from being in the same spot for so long so he shuffled around until he found a decent position, though doing so he managed to bash his elbow against the door. He winced and let out a small shout of pain, rubbing his hand over the spot and wondering if there would be a bruise come morning.

As he did this he noticed the curtain on the window to the right of him flicker, and caught a glance of a pair of eyes before it was quickly covered again. Either Adil’s little brother or sister then. Probably wondering what he was doing sitting on their doorstep. Every time Toby felt himself wondering the same thing he would think of Adil and his smile and his laugh and the way his eyes crinkled or happiness shone out of him, and he would smile slightly and allow his eyes to wander back to the end of the street.

But the night crept on and Adil didn’t show.

And then the rain started. It was just a few drops at first, and Toby didn’t notice until one landed on his hand. He had been rubbing them together and wishing he had brought gloves. Because even although it wasn’t that cold, sitting outside for a long time when there was a wintery breeze did tend to make you chilly.

Soon the drops turned into sheets, and the rain was pouring down. Toby flipped his hood up and huddled into himself as the rain fell on him, listening to the sound of it hitting the pavement and the roof of the cars.

He was so caught up in his own thoughts with his eyes still trained to where he thought Adil would come from that he didn’t hear the door unlocking again. So when the door swung open Toby fell backwards, his hands flying about and trying to find something to hold onto.

He landed with a thud on his side and winced as he looked up from the floor.

His mouth opened in shock as he took in Adil standing above him, looking as much like an angel as he always did. There was a small amused smile on his face but it did very little to mask the pain and hurt Toby knew that he was feeling.

Toby quickly scrambled up onto his feet, confusion battling with the joy of seeing Adil again to become the most intense emotion.

“Adil,” Toby let out almost breathlessly as he struggled to get his thoughts in order. “I thought you were…”

“I told my dad to say that. I didn’t think you would wait…”

Toby felt himself deflate and any and all hope he had been clinging to rapidly fell away.

“You didn’t want to see me.” He cut Adil off. And it wasn’t a question. Toby had known, of course he had, that Adil might not want to talk. But he had hoped it would be different. Hope, he mused, was a dangerous it thing. It built you up just to laugh gleefully as you crashed down.

“I just need to…”

“Toby I…”

They both started, before both abruptly stopping.

It was all wrong.

Everything was going wrong.

Toby just stood there still on the outside of the doorway, the rain still pattering down on him. He watched Adil’s face and tried to look for any sign of what he was feeling.

“Were you really going to wait there until I came back?” Adil asked, a hint of wonder to his voice. “Even though you know I sometimes don’t finish work until well after midnight. It’s not even seven. That would’ve been a long wait.”

“Yes. I needed to see you. Please, I want to explain. I’m so sorry.”

Toby waited with bated breath to see what Adil would do.

“Come in Toby,” Adil let out after a few seconds which had seemed to Toby like a few minutes.

When Toby made no attempt to move Adil rolled his eyes and grabbed onto his arm to pull him in. Toby resisted the pull and said:

“But you’re mad at me. I should stay out here and…”

“Don’t be stupid. You’ve been out here long enough. Besides, I don’t want to have this conversation in the doorway. People might talk,” Adil said, gesturing to the houses next to his.

So Toby agreed and allowed himself to be pulled into the warmth of the house. Although this time he felt like an intruder, like he didn’t belong and didn’t deserve to be there. He hadn’t felt this way since the first time he had come in on their first date. Although those nerves had been more excited rather than panicked.

He shedded his coat and shoes and unwrapped the scarf, leaving them hanging on the end of the banister of the stairs as they walked up to Adil’s room.

When they got there Adil closed the door before spinning around and looking at Toby who was standing in the middle of the room still slightly hunched in on himself.

“Talk.” Adil demanded.

So Toby did.

He told Adil everything. He started from pretty much the beginning. Although Adil knew some basics of the story he didn’t know all the details, he didn’t know enough. And it was hard for Toby, to dredge everything back up, to relive the feelings that he had been suffering through during his hardest times. But he needed to be honest. For Adil to understand he needed to know where all of his insecurities and fears came from. Toby needed to show his weaknesses so he wasn’t pushed away. And that’s what he did.

He told Adil how he had figured out he was gay. When Freddie and his friends had started to talk about girls, how they noticed things about them and talked about doing things with them that made Toby’s skin crawl with discomfort because the things they mentioned – the way a girl looked or the way she smiled or her laugh or how they had imagined kissing her or how they _had_ kissed her - it was all things that he felt, but he just felt it for other boys.

He told Adil about how he learnt to keep it pushed down. But it was making him miserable, and along with his home situation he began to become more and more closed off. Not pursuing anyone or making an effort to create new friendships. His first kiss had been fumbled and rushed, in the dark behind the house of a boy he had met at a party when they were sixteen. He had enjoyed it. Probably too much. Afterwards they had both agreed to never talk about it again but from then on Toby began the process of learning to accept himself.

He told Adil about how he came to terms with who he was, and how Emma was the first one he told. About how his family reacted and how his father’s abuse changed to hurled insults about how he will never find anyone. About how no one would accept someone like him. That he didn’t deserve someone to love and didn’t deserve to be loved in return. That every amazing moment they shared together was always tainted slightly by the words that were ingrained into his brain - that he was wrong, would never be accepted, a disappointment and black mark on the Hamilton family tree.

He told Adil that he was scared. Scared of being rejected by his family, of having to see the disappointment on their faces and hearing the harshness of the insults and abuse tailored carefully to wound him and hit at exactly the right place. He hadn’t wanted to go through that again. He didn’t want to tell his mother, because she would have the opportunity to ruin everything they had. And he didn’t want to tell Freddie because he wouldn’t have been able to take it if his twin brother, the other half of his soul, rejected him.

And then he told Adil how, although those thoughts terrified him, they were nowhere near as terrifying as the thought of losing him.

Toby had ended up sitting crossed legged on the bed, facing Adil who was sat back against his headboard. He didn’t know when the tears had started but he felt the wetness of his cheeks and the beginning of a headache.

“Why didn’t you tell me this yesterday?” Adil asked softly, not condescendingly but with genuine curiosity.

“I was scared. I’ve never told anyone this before. Not even Freddie or Emma and I knew if I told you I would be laying myself out bare. That after you found out how damaged and fucked up I am you wouldn’t want to see me anymore. But then keeping it to myself I lost you anyway.”

At that Adil, who had been keeping his distance for the entire conversation, leant over and grabbed Toby’s hand, giving it a squeeze.

“You are not fucked up Toby,” he started, and at the sounds of Toby’s protests he shuffled forward, placing his hands on Toby’s shoulders and looking into his eyes.

“Toby, you’re not. You have a past, you have insecurities and things to work on, _but that’s okay_.”

“But I was so rude to you. And you were right to get angry. But you were also wrong about some things, because I do want you. My past may have ruined me but I hope that my future will be full of happiness, with you by my side. Freddie said that…”

“Wait,” Adil cut off, “You told Freddie?”

Toby must’ve forgot to mention it, what with having to bring up all his old memories and open old wounds.

“Last night, I- I kind of had a panic attack when I got to his flat, and afterwards I told him everything. But I promise it wasn’t just because of that… I desperately wanted to and he took it so well, I don’t know what I was ever scared off…”

“Toby,” Adil whispered, and Toby cut off his rambling and looked into Adil’s eyes.

“You told him. I’m so proud of you.”

“What!” Toby scoffed. “Stop, you’re not meant to be proud of me. You’re meant to be shouting at me and telling me that no matter my excuses you won’t stand being treated the way I did last night.”

“No. I am proud. I think I may have overreacted yesterday, but I was just so mad.”

“What changed?” Toby queried.

“You showed me that you are committed to this. To us. That even though it terrified you deep down to your bones you told Freddie, and you came here and you were honest with me. You told me everything. And you told me you want a future. That’s all I needed. Reassurance that I’m not just a fling to you.”

“You are definitely not a fling Adil. You are the only one to have made me feel like a real person. You treated me not as inferior but as an equal. And you made me so happy. You _make_ me so happy Adil. And that’s…” Toby broke off and wondered if he should tell him. He had been honest about everything else. Why should he not be honest about this too?

“That’s why I’m in love with you.”

Toby watched as Adil’s eyes widened and he sat back, dropping his hands from Toby’s shoulder.

Toby felt his heart rate pick up. Had he managed to say the wrong thing again? Was he really that incompetent? Although how he was meant to keep that thought to himself when Adil was talking about commitment and a future was beyond him.

Just as he was thinking of what he could say to back track a small smile appeared on Adil’s face and Toby felt himself relax.

“You constantly surprise me,” Adil whispered.

“In good ways I hope?” Toby said in return, and Adil just nodded before leaning forward and placing his lips harshly against Toby’s.

The kiss didn’t deepen but it was filled with so much emotion and want that it was the most intimate one they had ever shared. Toby wondered if Adil could taste the slight saltiness from the tears that had flowed down onto his lips earlier.

They pulled back from the kiss and Toby wrapped his arms around Adil, pulling him close. He felt like he never wanted to let go. He rested his head on Adil’s shoulder and just enjoyed the feeling of being engulfed by Adil. Of being surrounded by him and having him there, in his arms. This had gone better than Toby had ever imagined.

“Does this mean we’re okay now?” Toby whispered into Adil’s neck, smiling as Adil winced from the breath on his sensitive spot.

“I kiss you like that and you’re still not sure if I want to be with you,” Adil laughed softly, pulling out of the embrace and moving to grab Toby’s hands.

“Yes. Yes yes yes. I love you too, Toby,” he said with a smile as he played with Toby’s fingers, straightening and bending them and intertwining them with his own.

“Thank you for forgiving me,” Toby said in reply. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You, Toby Hamilton, deserve the world. And I’m going to try my best to give it to you.”

“I don’t need the world Adil. I only need you,” he replied, smiling as Adil looked at him with a gaze that was so full of love – Love! Toby marvelled at the thought – that he felt a bit weak at the knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said there would be a Freddie and Adil meeting in this chapter but the reunion got ahead of me and ended up being longer than I expected, and this seemed like a nice place to stop. 
> 
> Sooo next chapter will be Freddie meeting Adil. Theres three POVs I can do... Adil, Toby or Freddie. If you have any preferences to what you would like to read please leave a comment. If not, I'll sit down in front of my laptop and hope inspiration comes to me (this is how most of my chapters start :P) 
> 
> Thanks again for reading, I hope you enjoyed :) 
> 
> As always kudos and comments are much appreciated and make my day!


	10. Chapter 10

“Toby come on,” Freddie sighed, feet trailing as he followed his brother who was winding quickly through the throngs of slower walkers on the street.

“We’re almost there, just a few more minutes,” Toby replied, glancing back at Freddie to make sure he was still following.

“When we decided to do a pub crawl I didn’t know you wanted to go traipsing across the whole city!” Freddie exclaimed, although he knew Toby would be able to tell he wasn’t really annoyed.

“You’re over-exaggerating.” Toby bit back, humour evident in his voice. He slowed down slightly and let his brother fall into step beside him.

They had decided to have a little outing as a way of bonding, to try and build further on the foundations of a relationship that they had laid down. Ever since Toby had shared everything with Freddie they had become much closer, and made an effort to see each other a few times a week. Freddie had just finished a big and tough mock trial at university and had been in the mood to celebrate. He had pitched the idea of a night out to Toby whose face had instantly lit up, suggesting they do a pub crawl – start at Freddie’s end of the high street and make their way towards Toby’s flat where they would spend the night.

“This area is so far away from my flat,” Freddie said, looking around as he strolled down the street. He hadn’t visited here before, having only seen the inside of Toby’s flat a couple of times, much to his regret now. He was going to definitely make more of an effort to visit him there.

They hadn’t drunk _that_ much already, but Freddie could feel the buzz of the alcohol.

“Yeah but it’s close to mine. I go to this pub all the time. You’ll like it,” Toby said.

“It’s just a pub. How great could it be?”

Toby just smirked in return and kept on walking.

They stopped outside of a pub called The Lamb and Flag. A glance into the window showed that it was very busy, even for 11 o’clock on a Friday night.

“This is it. You have to behave okay?” Toby said, sounding quite stern although he was swaying a bit from his tipsiness.

“What sort of question is that? I’m a perfectly responsible drunk!” Freddie scoffed.

Toby snorted and rolled his eyes, showing how much he did not agree with that statement.

Freddie didn’t have time to question his brother further as to what he had meant or why he was asking such a thing, as Toby had pushed the door open and sauntered in. Freddie hastily scrambled after him so not to lose him in the crowd.

He was tempted to ask why they had even come in here when it was obviously packed and how he was sure they could find somewhere else nearby that was quieter but the words got caught in his throat. He watched as Toby walked through a gap in the groups of people and right up to the bar, stopping in front of the bartender who gave him a blinding smile and lent across as Toby lent forward, sharing a quick kiss before pulling away. Toby turned around and his eyes browsed the crowd before landing on him, and Freddie could tell even from this distance that his cheeks were graced with a blush.

So that was why he had wanted to come here, Freddie mused. He felt happiness and pride swell up in his chest. Toby had wanted to take this step, this leap of introducing him to Adil. And Freddie was more than ready to meet the man who had stolen his brother’s heart and put a smile on his face.

Freddie quickly made his way over, his smile getting wider and wider as he approached.

“Adil, hello!” he greeted, perhaps sounding a bit more enthusiastic than he would have if he had not been drinking for a few hours.

Adil sent a wary glance at Toby who just gave him a reassuring smile in return.

“Hi Freddie. It’s nice to meet you,” Adil said politely, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice.

He had no reason to be nervous, he knew that. Toby had discussed this with him earlier in the week, how he would bring Freddie here as Adil’s shift was ending so they could have some drinks together before going back to Toby’s. Adil had protested about staying over when Freddie was there but Toby had brushed off his concerns with ease, mentioning the amount of times he had had to sleep on Freddie’s sofa whilst he was with Emma. 

Besides, what did it matter if Freddie didn’t like him? It wasn’t mandatory to have a good relationship with your significant other’s family. But oh how Adil wished he could. His own family got on so well with Toby and he saw how happy it made him. Of course there was the hiccup with the night he had come home crying, but his father had forgiven Toby within a couple of days, and his mother had acted as if nothing had been wrong in the first place.

He thought back to what Toby had mentioned to him one night when they had been snuggled up in bed. He had whispered into the darkness:

“I’m so glad I found you. And that your family accept me. It’s almost as if I have a real father now.”

Adil had to pull him in tight and hide his face in Toby’s neck to hide the tears that had sprung to his eyes. 

He still felt the wave of anger every time he thought of how Toby had been treated by his family. But after several long talks with Toby he had begun to see – or accept that Toby saw anyway – the goodness in Freddie.

And he was Toby’s family. And if Adil ever hoped to be accepted into it one day he was going to have to get on well with them. Or at the very least be civil. But he hoped, he hoped dearly that he would be welcomed with as much love as Toby had been. Not for his sake, but for Toby’s. Toby who had already gone through so much in his short life deserved everything else to go smoothly for him.

“It’s lovely to meet you, my friend! Let me buy you a drink,” Freddie said, reaching over to clap Adil on the back which made him splutter.

“I’m off in a few minutes, why don’t you sit down and I’ll bring the drinks over?” Adil suggested.

“Perfect! Get this one here a vodka lemonade and I’ll have a rum. Then whatever you’re having.” Toby said, and Adil watched as Freddie slapped a twenty pound note onto the bar in front of him.

“Thanks mate. This will be enough yeah?” he asked, and on Adil’s nod he flashed a big smile.

“Great. Keep the change, although I’m sure it’s nothing compared to what this one gives you as a tip,” he said shrewdly, wiggling his eyebrows and emitting a groan of embarrassment from Toby but a small snigger of laughter from Adil.

Jokes. Joking was good. He could deal with joking.

Adil quickly finished up his shift and grabbed his stuff before freshening up in the bathroom and heading out to the front area and grabbing the drinks that his colleague had made for him.  

He spotted Toby almost immediately even though the room was full of people. Him and Freddie had commandeered a booth and were sitting on one side of the table each. Adil took a minute just to look at Toby. At the way he was leaned over the table slightly, listening intently to what Freddie was saying to him. His knee was bouncing up and down, he could never stay still. There had been plenty of times when Adil had been sitting on the sofa, Toby’s legs draped over his lap, and he had to grab onto his feet and tell him to stop moving. He watched as Toby’s face lit up with a smile, and how the happiness radiated out of him as he laughed. Adil watched, and he couldn’t believe that he was lucky enough to love this man, and to be loved by him in return.

He walked over and was greeted enthusiastically by both Hamilton brothers who immediately grabbed their drinks.

“Here I was thinking you were pleased to see me, but really you just wanted the drinks!” he teased, sliding into the booth beside Toby and draping an arm over his shoulder.

“I’m always happy to see you babe!” Toby exclaimed, grabbing Adil’s face and giving him a peck on the cheek.

“Are you guys always this…” Freddie trailed off.

“Cute?” Toby supplied. “Adorable? Touchy? Goddamn beautiful?”

“I was going to say nauseatingly in love,” Freddie replied.

“Like you can talk. For years you were pining over Emma, so even before you got together it was all Emma this, Emma that, blah blah Emma Emma Emma.”

“You’re right. I give you permission to be cute in front of me. I’ll allow it.”

“Wow, thank you for your kindness, my lord,” Toby joked, awkwardly faking a bow from where he was sitting.

Adil enjoyed watching them banter back and forth. If he had just been a spectator he never would’ve guessed that the two of them hadn’t been close for most of their lives. But perhaps that was what it was like with twins. No matter how long you spent apart, in one sense of the word or another, you were always connected on some level, always linked. The love they felt for each other was obvious and Adil was so happy that Toby had that support in his life. More than anything Adil wanted Toby’s family to accept him for who he is, and it looked as Freddie had no trouble at all with that.

Before long the topic had turned to how they met, and Adil took much delight in telling Freddie about how Toby had literally fallen into the pub that night.

“What can I say? I fell for you Adil,” Toby laughed, giving Adil’s thigh a squeeze where his hand had been resting for a while. There was no hint of embarrassment, and Freddie’s reply had just been a laugh and a muttered “Classic Toby.”

Adil became more and more content as the night went on. They had a few more drinks each and there were plenty of childhood stories and laughs shared, although they were all careful not to mention Toby and Freddie’s father, even though he was on everyone’s minds.

After a couple of hours the throngs of people started to disperse, and they mutually agreed to head back after they had finished their drinks. Toby excused himself to go the toilet. And instead of Adil getting up to let him out, Toby just swung his leg over Adil so he was straddling him, giving him a quick but deep kiss before practically falling out of the booth. A tipsy Toby was also an even clumsier Toby.

“Adil, I just want to say thank you. For being there for Toby and for helping him through everything. And also for doing something that I could never – making him happy.”

Adil didn’t know what to reply as he was slightly stunned by the change in conversation.

“I love Toby. I’ll be there for him always. And I hope I can keep making him happy,” he replied.

“I can see it you know, how far gone for you he is,” Freddie said matter-of-factly, and Adil couldn’t help the flutter he felt at the acknowledgement from someone else that Toby felt that way about him.

“Well, I’m quite gone for him too,” Adil said.

“I know he’s told you about… everything. Or most things anyway. Did you know he gets panic attacks?” Freddie asked, looking intently at Adil.

“Yeah, it’s been mentioned. But I’ve never seen one myself.”

“And you’ll be there for him then? Panic attacks are never easy, it’s a lot of work. And being with someone who has anxiety, it’s hard. There will be good days, but there will also be bad days. Days where every little thing triggers him, where he can’t leave the house or his bed without struggling to breathe. Where he just spirals into the darkness.”

“I hope when that time comes I can be his light in the darkness, and help him through it. I meant what I said. I love him and I want to be there for him for as long as he’ll have me,” Adil replied, hoping that Freddie could see how real and honest his words were.

“That, my friend, is an exceptional answer. I was going to give you the whole ‘You hurt Toby and I’ll hurt you’ speech,” Freddie said, putting on a deep voice and pointing in mock anger at Adil.

“But I can see that you care about him as much as I do. And I think if we can both agree to try and give him all the support he needs to be as happy as he deserves, well then surely we can create more good days and less bad ones.”

Adil agreed and shook hands with Freddie as they both laughed. Freddie pulled him in and whispered:

“Although that threat still stands. If you hurt him, I will end you.”

He pulled back and shouted “Toby!” and Adil turned round to see his boyfriend sauntering over.

“You okay Adil? He didn’t just give you the over-protective big brother talk did he? He promised he wouldn’t,” Toby said, sending a glare Freddie’s way.

“Everything’s fine,” Adil replied with a smile, grabbing Toby’s hand and pulling him down next to him.

Toby beamed at him in return and leant close enough that Adil could feel the breath on his neck, causing him to give an involuntary shiver.

He whispered some things in Adil’s ear that had him blushing and spluttering and feeling very thankful that Freddie couldn’t hear what was being said.

Even so he was very eager to gulp down the rest of the drink and hurry home.

And if Freddie knew the reason why, well, Adil would just deal with that in the morning. Cause nothing was going to stop him from dragging Toby straight to bed when they got home. Not even an overnight guest. The walls were soundproofed anyway, and perhaps Toby could learn to be quiet.

Toby could not learn to be quiet, Adil discovered that night. But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

And if in the morning the look from Freddie told them that maybe the rooms weren’t as soundproofed as they thought, all Adil had to do was look at the smile on Toby’s face and all the embarrassment flooded away. If Freddie and Toby weren’t going to make it awkward then he wasn’t going to either. He would enjoy a lovely breakfast with his lovely boyfriend and his brother. And he would think about how he would really like to have more mornings like these.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't like this chapter... I tried to make it cute and humorous but I don't think I did a very good job :P 
> 
> I hope you all are not dissapointed in Freddie and Adil finally meeting. 
> 
> Thanks as always for reading, any kudos and comments are much appreciated :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Panic Attack

Adil was waiting outside the Literature building, bundled up in a jacket and scarf. It was nearing the start of December and the British weather was reminding everyone by throwing bitter winds and heavy rain at them. Today was a slight reprieve, as it had stayed wonderfully dry.

Adil had a rare day off. It was unusual for him not to be at culinary school (or have work to do for it) or for him to not be working in the pub. He had taken some extra shifts recently to try and start saving up. He was hoping that whatever he did after he had finished his studies would take him to London, to work as a chef in any of the top 5 star restaurants there. He knew that it would be difficult, and perhaps he would never get the chance to. But it was his dream. And he was damn well going to work for it.

As he was free he had decided to meet Toby at his university, since he knew that his work was piling up as the end of the semester was nearing.

The door behind him opened and Adil felt warm arms wrap around him and a chin placed on his shoulder.

“Hello Toby,” he said as he spun around to face his boyfriend, grabbing his face with his gloved hands and giving him a searing kiss.

“Woo, get some Hamilton!” Adil heard as a group of boys pushed past them in the doorway.

Toby broke the kiss and pulled away, sending the boys a rude gesture but coupled with a cheery “See you tomorrow!”

They stopped off at the café and picked up a coffee each. They then wandered through the campus, Toby pointing out some places and blessing Adil with stories of his past few years there. Adil liked getting to know more about Toby. He would never tire of learning more about him and getting glimpses into his life that he knew no-one else got to see.  

They didn’t linger on campus though because of the weather, and it wasn’t long before they were back at Toby’s flat.

“I need to do a bit of work on my dissertation. Is that okay?” Toby asked as they made their way into his room, dumping his bag on the bed and flopping down onto it with a sigh.

“Of course,” Adil replied, sitting down next to him on the bed and reaching out a hand to pat his shoulder gently. He knew how hard Toby had been working, this assignment counted an awful lot to Toby’s overall grade, and therefore his degree level. He had been stressing over it for months now, and the due date (which was just before they came off for Christmas) was rapidly approaching.

They sat for a while in companionable silence. Adil had grabbed a book off of Toby’s shelf and began reading – something he often did when he was round there.  Even though they weren’t speaking – the only sound that could be heard was the clicking of the keys on Toby’s laptop as he furiously typed – Adil much preferred being with Toby than anywhere else.

After a while Adil decided he would go and make dinner. And although Toby weakly protested and said they could just order some food Adil knew that he loved it when he cooked for them. Often Adil would accompany him on his supermarket shop and pick out ingredients for a meal or two. Toby always refused to let him pay for it, stating that his time, effort and company were more than enough. Every time he said that Adil would roll his eyes but he couldn’t help the smile that would appear on his face.

Adil moved effortlessly around the kitchen, and took a second to marvel how at home he felt here. Everything was going so well. Adil could feel himself falling deeper and deeper as the weeks passed. Could feel their lives becoming more and more intertwined to the point where it was unusual for them to spend more than a day without seeing each other. They met up regularly with Emma and Freddie, and Adil always felt welcome. He had thought that maybe he would feel like an intruder, since the other three had known each other since they were kids, but that had never been the case. They had all welcomed him with open arms and Adil could not have been more pleased.

Toby had also mentioned to him that he was planning on telling his mother about them on Christmas, although Adil wasn’t sure if he would go through with it or not. He had stopped worrying about it though. He knew that Freddie and Emma were the closest family to Toby, and with their blessing and acceptance Adil no longer felt like he was just a fling. No, he felt as if maybe Toby felt the same way as he did, that maybe they could have a long and happy life together.

He smiled happily as he cooked, listening to some music that he had put on. He always felt happy when he was in the kitchen, in his element and creating. There wasn’t anything else that could provoke such happiness from him. Well, there hadn’t been until Toby came along.

Once he had finished cooking he quickly set some cutlery onto the table, determined to make Toby take a break, even just for twenty minutes whilst they ate.

However, when he pushed open Toby’s door all he saw was the laptop discarded on an abandoned bed.

“Toby?” he called out, making his way over to the door of the bathroom which was at the opposite side of the bed to where he was standing.

For a few seconds there was no sound, but then Toby called out “I’ll be out in a few minutes!”

Adil immediately could tell that something was wrong. It sounded as if Toby could hardly get the words out, as if he was choking.

Adil rushed over and pulled the door open, and what he saw almost broke his heart.

Toby was sat against the bath, his knees pulled up with his head pressed against them, arms wrapped tight around his legs and tears streaming down his face. His body was shaking, but not with sobs. It was shaking with the effort it was taking him to breathe.

Adil fell onto his knees beside him, and placed his hands either side of Toby’s face, pulling it up to meet his gaze. The panic and sadness Adil saw in his eyes were like nothing he had seen before.

“Toby, you need to listen to me okay? Breathe with me,” Adil said soothingly, watching as more tears fell from Toby’s eyes.

Adil felt strangely calm. He felt as if he should’ve been panicking more at seeing Toby in this state, but what he felt instead was an overwhelming sense to protect him and help him.

“You shouldn’t… Go Adil, please go!” Toby screamed, scrambling away from Adil and looking at him with scared eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Adil replied calmly.

“I didn’t want you to see me like this…” Toby choked out, his breaths were coming faster and Adil could tell he was working himself into even more of a panic. But there was no way he was leaving him.

Adil started to move closer, slowly, as if he was approaching a scared animal and was afraid any sudden movement would cause it to go racing away.

Toby let him get right up next to him, and even let him grab onto his hands. But he wouldn’t look at him. His gaze was firmly locked on the door handle, and it wasn’t moving any time soon.

“Listen. You need to breathe for me okay?” Adil said, but Toby’s breathing did not slow and Adil knew if he didn’t do something soon then it would only get worse.

So he did the only thing he could think of. He gently reached his hand out to touch Toby’s cheek, and when he was met with no resistance he moved Toby’s head so it was against his chest. Adil started breathing slowly and deeply, hoping that Toby would feel his chest moving. And soon enough Adil noticed Toby’s breathing begin to slow, although the tears showed no sign of stopping.

Toby reached out and clutched at Adil’s arm, squeezing so tight that Adil wouldn’t be surprised if he was left with some kind of bruise.

And Adil just held him. He held him until they were breathing in sync. Until the tears had stopped and the grip on his arm loosened.

Adil moved them slightly so they were in a more comfortable position, he sat back against the bath and stretched his legs out with Toby basically sitting on his lap. He sat there running one hand through Toby’s hair, the other holding one of Toby’s with his finger stroking slowly back and forward.

Adil could feel the tears that had built up but he did not allow himself to break down. He needed to be the strong one.

They sat for a while in the quiet until Toby let out a big sigh, turning around so he was straddling Adil. Unlike other times they had been in this position though there was nothing pleasurable or sensual about this. It was simply a way for Toby to be closer to him, and to talk to him face to face.

“I’m sorry,” Toby whispered, and Adil saw the turmoil and sadness in his eyes before he turned his gaze away, resting his head down onto Adil’s shoulder.

“No Toby. You don’t need to apologise,” Adil replied. Toby looked up at him and Adil reached out to grab Toby’s face with one hand, his finger stroking the dried tears under his eye.  

“I never wanted you to see me like this,” Toby admitted, and Adil felt a pain in his chest as if he had just been stabbed in the heart.

He wanted to envelop Toby and shield him from all the darkness in the world. He wanted this man, who he loved dearly, to see only light.

“Toby, you never have to be scared to show me how you feel. I want to be here for you. I love you, and I want to help you when you are down, not ignore it and wait for it to go away,” Adil said, cupping Toby’s face with both hands and looking him right in the eye.

“Feeling is not a weakness,” Adil said, hoping that Toby would hear the conviction and truth in his words.  Adil knew that Toby’s past had impacted him in many ways. Not ways that were visible from the outside. But in thoughts that had been planted at a young age and allowed to grow and weave their way into Toby’s soul, so that they were as much a part of him as any freckle or scar or tattoo were.

“I’m such a burden.”

“Toby you are not!”

“Do you know why this happened?” Toby started, letting out a short but manic sounding laugh.

“It’s because I was writing my dissertation, and I knew there was a word that I wanted, that would fit perfectly into my sentence. And I knew that I knew it but I couldn’t remember it. It’s like it was in there in my brain but the more I reached for it the more it pulled away. And instead of just moving onto the next section like a normal person would do I fixated on it, and soon enough my thoughts became how am I even going to finish this thing? And then I started thinking about how rubbish it is and how the deadline is only a few weeks away and how if I fail this I’m pretty much guaranteed to get an awful degree level, not be able to get a job and have to live with my mother living off my bloody father’s inheritance for the rest of my miserable life…”

Toby's hands had started shaking slightly, and Adil covered them with his own. He allowed Toby to play with his fingers as he knew that was something Toby did when he was nervous.

Toby took a sharp intake of breath and Adil watched as he crumbled in front of him.

“Oh Toby…” Adil started.

“I don’t want your pity,” Toby snapped, moving to pull away. Adil just wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer, not wanting him to leave. Toby didn’t struggle, instead he just deflated and buried his head into the crook of Adil’s neck.

“It’s not pity Toby, it’s love. It hurts to see you like this. And I know you don’t believe you are worth anything but you are an extraordinary man. And you are so smart and you’ve worked so hard on this and I know it will turn out amazing. You can do this. I know you, and I know your abilities, and I know you can do this,” Adil said softly, moving his hands over Toby’s back, hoping to provide some comfort.

“You have to say that, you’re my boyfriend,” Toby said, but the dejection in his voice was less prominent, and Adil could only hope that at least some of what he was saying was getting through to him.

“You’re right, I am your boyfriend. Which means that I am here for you no matter what. I’m here to support you when you need it, and to be there when you need somebody. But I wouldn’t lie to you Toby. And you know how smart you are.”

“Sometimes I can get carried away,” Toby muttered.

“It’s okay,” Adil said, continuing to rub his hand up and down over Toby's back.

“Sometimes I let the voice of my father drown out my own thoughts, and all I can feel is the negativity,” Toby said, bitterness creeping into his voice.

“It’s okay,” Adil replied.

“Sometimes… sometimes I feel like everything he said to me is true.”

“Toby, I will tell you every day for the rest of our lives that you are a wonderful person. And I know it might take you a while to believe it, that you might never really _fully_ believe it. But I’ll keep telling you anyway, because I would do anything to make you smile.”

At that Toby let one of his beautiful smiles light up his beautiful face, and Adil knew that he had said the right thing. And he didn’t want to ruin the calm, or cause Toby to panic again, but he needed to ask. He needed to know, because if there was something he could’ve done, some way he could’ve made Toby feel more comfortable around him… He just needed to know if there was anything he could’ve done differently. Anything he could’ve done better.

“Can we talk about why you tried to hide your panic attack from me? Was there anything I could’ve done…”

“No! No, Adil you were great. I just… I feel like such a burden sometimes. And when I get like that, when I build myself into a panic, I feel as if there’s an anchor attached to me and it just drags me down further and further and further… and I didn’t want to drag you with me.”

Adil could accept that answer. He couldn’t say he understood it or the reasoning behind it, but it was the way Toby felt and that was that.

“I love you - all of you. Anxiety and all. You never need to keep anything from me. Promise you won’t hide it from me next time?” Adil asked, needing to know that next time he wouldn’t be kept in the dark.

“I promise,” Toby said with a small smile, grabbing both of Adil’s hands in his own and leaning forward to give him a kiss on the cheek. A kiss that spoke a thousand words.

They untangled themselves from one another and Adil stood up and brushed down his trousers.

“Dinner…” Toby said, and Adil knew he was going to start blaming himself for ruining his cooking.

“We can reheat it. It’s not a problem. You’re much more important,” Adil reassured, lacing their fingers together and pulling Toby up and towards the kitchen.

“Thank you Adil,” Toby said as they walked through his room.

“Thank you Adil,” Toby said as he placed the plate of food down in front of him.

“Thank you Adil,” Toby said into the darkness as they lay intertwined that night. “You mean everything to me.”

“You mean everything to me, too.” Adil replied softly, pulling Toby tighter with the knowledge that he was loved by Toby in the same way that he loved him. It was a love so deep and intense and sincere that Adil felt it deep down to his core. He lay there and wondered when being held by Toby had started to feel like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my knowledge of university comes from Scotland but I think dissertations are a thing in England too? If you guys don't know what I'm talking about it's just a big report you do in your final year that counts a lot towards your final grade. 
> 
> I feel like I'm being too cheesy, is this chapter too much? :P I hope you guys liked it anyway! 
> 
> This was based off of the prompt that abracadabra left on Chapter 5, so if you're still reading I hope you enjoyed it :) 
> 
> As always thanks again for reading, comments and kudos are much appreciated :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to @love_hp for helping me a lot with this chapter. Without her it would never have been finished as i was severely lacking inspiration.

Toby awoke quietly on Christmas Eve, arms wrapped around Adil. He smiled as he looked down at his boyfriend, thinking of how lucky he was to have him here, in his bed, with the knowledge that there were going to be many more mornings like this.

He glanced over at his clock and saw that it was almost half past ten, which was fine. He was having lunch with his mother and Freddie but they weren’t coming over here until twelve, which left a little bit of time for Adil.

Toby was a bit disappointed that he wouldn’t get to see Adil on Christmas day, but he understood that Adil’s family were a lot larger and more important to him than his own were. And so Adil had to go to his uncle's, and would not have the time to see him. Which Toby understood. It was annoying that he had this lunch with his mother and Freddie, but they had always done it. A lunch just them on Christmas Eve and then actual Christmas Dinner with their father and sometimes their grandparents. And even though it was different this year, with his father gone, Toby couldn’t cancel on them, although he wished he could have. So him and Adil had decided to have a sort of mini early Christmas on the twenty third, where they had eaten turkey and pulled crackers and exchanged gifts (although they hadn’t opened any of them yet) and had kissed under the mistletoe and made out to Christmas music and ate Christmas pudding. It was perfect. And as Toby looked down at Adil sleeping softly beside him he felt like the luckiest man in the world.

He didn’t know how long he lay there, just running his hand through Adil’s hair and thinking.

Adil finally woke up, and greeted him with a lovely morning kiss that soon deepened. Toby moved so he was straddling the other boy and allowed his hands to travel over the bare skin of his chest. Adil moaned into the kiss before Toby pulled away, trailing kisses down his neck.

“This is definitely a pleasant way to wake up,” Adil mumbled, grabbing Toby’s hair and pulling him back up to attach their lips together.

“Toby!” they heard a voice shout through, and they immediately pulled apart.

“Who’s that?” Adil asked, confused as he hadn’t heard anyone come into the flat.

“That’s my mother!” Toby hissed back, gesturing at Adil to be quiet.

“What is she doing here?” Adil questioned, his eyes almost comically wide as he watched as Toby scrambled up and walked over to his drawers.

“I don’t know, they weren’t meant to come until 12!”

“Toby what should I…” Adil was cut off as a pair of boxers hit him in the face, and he hurried to pull them on.

“It’s a mess in here Toby!” they heard his mother shout, and both of them paled as they thought of the clothes that were strewn across the flat as they had undressed on the way to the bedroom last night, having taken full advantage of the flat being empty of Toby’s flat mates who were all home for the holidays.

“Toby!” Adil whispered, panicking slightly. “Have you told her…”

“No! I was going to tell her tomorrow!” he whispered back. And they both stood there looking at each other, and if it had been any other situation the look on Toby’s face would have had Adil bursting into laughter, but he did not feel the amusement at this moment.

“Okay I’ll just go and get her to go away and wait in the car. Freddie must have given her the keys to come up when I didn’t answer my phone damn it,” Toby said, hurrying to try and reach the door.

Before he could get there though the door swung open (they hadn’t seen the need for locking it when there was no-one else there) and Toby took a step back as his mother walked into the room.

He watched her face and noticed the second she realised he was not alone.

“Oh.” Was all she said. And they all just stood there, looking at each other.

Toby was well aware that he was in his boxers, his hair untidy, hickeys all over his neck and collar bone. He felt himself blush and glanced across at Adil, who was standing at the side of the bed with his arms crossed over his chest, as if he was trying to hide as much as he could. And Toby didn’t blame him. This is not how he had wanted his mother to find out. Not at all.

“I didn’t realise you had someone round. I’ll just… wait in the kitchen whilst you get rid of him.”

And she turned and walked out the door, slamming it shut behind herself.

Toby frowned as he thought of the way she had said ‘get rid of him.’ She obviously thought he was just a one night stand or a fling, which was perhaps even more embarrassing. Toby didn’t like the thought of his mother knowing what he was doing, but the fact that she had been so quick to dismiss Adil made him feel a surge of anger.

He was going to tell her. It was only a day earlier than he had planned, and may not have been anything like he had been developing in his head but he knew that he had to make sure that she knew Adil was important to him. And that Adil didn’t feel like he was expendable again.

“Toby, do you want me to go?” Adil asked, placing his hand on Toby’s arm, making him turn around. Toby could see the apprehension and doubt in Adil’s eyes.

“No, no. Please stay. I’m going to tell her about us. She needs to know what you mean to me,” Toby said, pulling Adil into a quick hug and taking a deep breath. No matter what happened with his mother, and least he would still have Adil.

He couldn’t help but hope she would take it well, but he knew she wasn’t going to be as understanding and accepting as Freddie was. All he needed was her to be civil though. To not insult Adil or say anything nasty, the way that his father would have done.

“Are you sure?” Adil questioned, and Toby felt such a burst of love for him, if he had had any doubts before they would definitely have evaporated now.

“Yes. I want to do this. I waited long enough. Now get changed,” Toby said, smiling at Adil.

“My clothes…” Adil muttered, gesturing at the door.

“Just take something of mine, anything you want,” Toby replied, grabbing a pair of jogging bottoms and a t-shirt that were lying on his chair and starting to pull them on. 

Toby tried to keep taking deep breaths as he dressed, trying not to panic. He felt an eerie calm though, as if he wasn’t as panicked as he should’ve been. Perhaps it was because he knew that this time he was doing it with Adil by his side, knowing that he would stay. In contrast to when he had told Freddie and he had thought that he could’ve lost Adil forever, this time he knew that Adil was with him, whatever he needed.

Once Adil had also finished dressing, and they had both made an attempt to tame their unruly hair, Toby grabbed Adil’s hand and pulled him towards the door.

“Hey,” Adil muttered, pulling him short just before they had reached the door.

“It’s going to be okay,” he comforted, stroking a hand down Toby’s face before placing their foreheads together, allowing Toby to let out a deep breath.

Toby just smiled at Adil, who placed a chaste kiss on his forehead before grabbing hold of the door handle and pulling it open himself.

They emerged from the room with hands joined, a united front, ready to face anything – together.

Toby’s mother was sitting calmly at the kitchen table, her hands crossed in front of her.

Toby quickly glanced around and noticed the clothes that had been scattered all over the place from last night were now in a neat pile on the sofa, and his cheeks heated up knowing that his mother would’ve very easily put things together and realised what had been going on last night.

 _Okay, here it goes_ , Toby thought, gripping Adil’s hand tighter as he made his way over to the table.

_Should I sit down? Should I stay standing? How do I even introduce him?_

Toby could feel himself starting to get overwhelmed. He had no plan. He had spent weeks carefully crafting the perfect way to tell her, but now that had been thrown out the window he didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do.

He felt Adil’s finger stroking his hand softly, and glanced up to see Adil giving him an encouraging and comforting smile.

“Where’s Freddie?” he asked.

“Down in the car,” his mother replied, eyeing Adil with a look that Toby couldn’t quite decipher.

“Mother, I’d like you to meet Adil. My boyfriend.” Toby said, deciding it would be better just to throw it out there.

“Boyfriend.”

Toby let the silence last for a few beats. Was she going to say anything else? Was she just going to stand there looking as if she didn’t know the meaning of the word?

“Yes, boyfriend,” he replied bitingly, and he watched as something flashed across his mother’s face, although he was unable to pinpoint exactly what it was.

“It’s just unexpected that’s all,” she said, a small smile appearing on her face. Toby released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, and squeezed Adil’s hand even tighter.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs Hamilton,” Adil greeted politely.

She nodded in reply but Toby noticed now that her smile seemed kind of forced, and his heart plummeted as he thought of all the things she could say to insult Adil.

“Well then, as interesting as this has been we have a reservation Toby. I’ll go and wait in the car with Freddie, he’s stopped outside so don’t be long.”

And with that she stood up from the table and walked quickly out of the room.

“Well…” Adil said, pulling Toby round and draping his arms over his shoulders “That could’ve gone worse.”

“Yes, well it could’ve gone better as well,” Toby mumbled, feeling both relived that she had not kicked off about it but also apprehensive, because he could tell that she had not been happy with it, not at all.

“But she’s okay with us! Sure, she wasn’t the most warm and welcoming but she didn’t scream at me to leave, so that was a good outcome, right?” Adil started off with a cheery voice, his hands playing with the hair at the back of Toby’s neck. But as he continued and saw that the good spirit that he had was not mirrored in Toby he started to feel less optimistic.

Toby saw the smile drop from Adil’s face, and felt an instant need to make it reappear. So he smiled broadly and pulled him in for a quick kiss.

“Yes. Yes, it was great,” he reassured.

“Now, I really need to get ready. I shouldn’t keep them waiting,” he said, and Adil nodded in return.

They quickly gathered up their things and headed out of the flat. When they exited the building Toby saw Freddie’s car waiting at the opposite side of the street.

He kissed Adil goodbye and told him to have a lovely Christmas, with the promise of a visit round to his house on Boxing Day. He watched for a few seconds as Adil turned and walked down the street before he made his way to the car.

Toby had never had a Christmas Eve lunch so awkward in his life, and that was saying something. He had thought that the first one after his father died would’ve been different, sure, but not like this.

They made small talk about university and jobs but Toby could tell his mother was holding back.

After a while, Toby couldn’t take it any longer. If he was going to be ridiculed and disappointed then he would rather it happened sooner rather than later.

“Mother, whatever you want to say to me please, just say it.”

“Toby, can we not do this here…” she replied, gesturing at the surroundings of the restaurant.

“We’re doing this now,” he retorted stubbornly.

“Okay,” she said, and Toby cast a look at Freddie who was looking back and forth between them in confusion.

“I just think that you shouldn’t waste your time on that… boy.”

“Mother!” Freddie exclaimed shocked, looking at Toby with worry.

“His name is Adil, and he is my boyfriend,” Toby bit back, curling his hands into fists at his side.

“You do not have a boyfriend,” she replied.

Toby didn’t really know what he had been expecting, but it had not been denial.

“Yes, mother. I do. And he’s the most wonderful man in the world,” he said,

“Toby, please, be reasonable,” his mother pressed.

“And what do you mean by that?” Toby scoffed.

“You seriously can’t think you want… him. You can’t think that what you have is anything more than – than a bit of fun.” Toby breath hitched as it sunk in that yes, she did just say that. Toby felt his apprehension morph quickly into an anger so intense that he wouldn’t have been surprised if he had just reached up a hand and slapped her across the face. Instead he scraped back his chair and stood up, as if to leave the table. How dare she? How dare she make Adil sound as if he was worthless!

“Why wouldn’t I want him? He is everything I have ever dreamed of. And what we have is not just ‘a bit of fun’. He is everything to me,” Toby replied resolutely.

“Sit down Toby,” his mother hissed, and he looked around to notice a few of the other patrons of the restaurant glancing at him. He looked to Freddie who nodded, and gestured at him to take his seat again.

Toby took a deep breath to curb in his anger, but knew that Freddie was right and he couldn’t just run away from this. He needed to make his mother see.

“What does he do for a living?” she asked, and Toby rolled his eyes as he could tell where this conversation was going.

“He’s in culinary school at the moment and does bartending. He’s going to be a chef.”

“Toby come on. I already had to deal with Freddie choosing to be with Emma…”               

“I thought you liked Emma!” Toby exclaimed at the same time Freddie called out “Mother!”

“Emma was – she was a slight disappointment. I allowed it, because we had known her and her father for so long. But – but she is not of the same class as us, and neither is he.”

Toby and Freddie looked at each other, and they didn’t need to be twins to know what the other was feeling.

“You know that I have never worried about class before,” Toby snapped.

“You haven’t, but your father…”

“Father is dead!” Toby screamed, causing his mother to jump back slightly in shock. Toby had never raised his voice to her before. More people near them had become quiet, and were now looking over at their table, whispering to each other.

“Toby…”

“No! I am sick of him still controlling my life even when he’s gone. He may have had some twisted sense of what we had to do in life, of who we have to marry to keep our family at the top of the social ladder. But I defied him when I chose to study literature, and I know he hated me for loving who I love but mother, I never expected this from you…”

“Toby, I don’t care that you like boys,” and Toby scoffed at the way she said it.

“I don’t! But there are so many better options. You know, I’ve heard rumours that Lady Radcliffe’s eldest son is like you. I’m sure if I asked around discreetly I could find more…”

“NO!” Toby roared, and he could feel Freddie’s hand on his arm, trying to make him relax. But Toby couldn’t relax. He was full of anger, towards his mother. Guilt, at himself, for allowing her to say these terrible things about Adil. And, underneath everything else, he felt an acute sadness at the way this had turned out.

“Toby, calm down,” he heard his mother say. And he thought that she hadn’t said anything more ridiculous in her life.

“How can I calm down? Adil is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has been there for me more in the past nine months than you have been in my entire life. He makes me happy, happier than I ever thought I could be, happier that I thought I deserved. And maybe you don’t have a problem with me being gay, and maybe you do. But these ideas of social construct and keeping the family name at the top - I will not go through with it. We don’t live in the 1940s anymore! When I marry I’m going to marry for love, not for politics. And no matter how hard you tried to instil family loyalty and legacy into me and Freddie we are both going to love who we love, no matter what you say.”

“Just think about this Toby…”

“Mother, please... I’m not asking for you to be overjoyed but all I’m asking is that you accept Adil, understand that he is the light in my life.”

“Toby, you know it won’t last…”

“And what gives you that idea?”

“You deserve someone better. Someone who can contribute equally to your finances and who is equal to you.” Adil didn’t know just how well off Toby was – it had never felt the right time to tell him that he had inherited quite a sum of money. But Toby knew that even so Adil was worried about money, and it made Toby extremely miserable. There was nothing that he cared less about. Money meant nothing to him.

“You’re right, Adil isn’t equal to me. He is about one hundred times a better man that I could ever be, and he is my superior in every way. I am the one who doesn’t deserve him. But for some reason he is with me. I can’t believe what you’re saying,” he said with a shake of his head, feeling the bitterness and anger in his voice and hoping that his mother would feel it too.

“I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just saying…”

“This is bullshit mother!” Toby screamed, interrupting whatever she was going to say next. How could she not mean to be rude? She was wounding Adil with everything that came out of her mouth.

“Toby!” she replied, shocked.

“No. Listen. I love Adil. I love him with every fibre of my being. You haven’t even spoken to him. You judge him solely on his career? On his class status? You know what, you’re just a bad as father.”

“How dare you say that Toby. I am nothing like him.” And Toby could tell he had hit a nerve.

“Yes, you are.” Freddie interjected, having been quiet for most of the conversation.

“I didn’t know you felt that way about Emma. But you accepted her, and I can’t believe you won’t do the same for Toby,” he continued.

“It’s just that…”

“No. No more excuses Mum. You should apologise to Toby right now, and make an effort to get to know Adil before you pass judgement. I’ve met him and he is wonderful, he is the best thing that could’ve happened to Toby, and he makes him happy. Isn’t that what you want? For your sons to be happy?”

“I’m sorry Toby, I’m just in shock, I wasn’t expecting this today. I need some time to process it all,” she said, and although Toby still felt the anger and hurt coursing through his veins, he didn’t want to ruin the relationship with her.

“You need to have a think mother. Because if you can’t accept me and Adil then I don’t know if you there is a place for you in my life.” Toby said, trying to sound fearless and determined, but the crack in his voice at the end of the sentence gave away his true feelings.

He knew that that had hit a nerve with her. Although sometimes she had a funny way of showing it, Toby knew that she cared deeply about him and Freddie, and that she wouldn’t want to lose either of them. There was a short awkward silence after that before she gave a little nod and a look that said ‘we’re done talking about this for now, but this isn’t over.’

Now that his father was gone, Christmas Day was filled with a lot less tension than usual. Adil was not brought up in the conversation during dinner, and Toby couldn’t quite tell if that was a good or a bad thing. Afterwards though, he had a long chat with Freddie over some drinks about Adil and the way he would be spending the holidays. And although she didn’t take part in the conversation, he knew that his mother was sitting across from them listening intently, and hopefully thinking and feeling some remorse about the way she had acted the day before.

It took her until New Year’s Eve to apologise to him properly. She pulled him to the side just before he was away to leave to go to Adil’s, declaring that she didn’t want to start off the new year with this disagreement hanging over them.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few days, and you were right. I need to give this Adil a chance. Just the way you light up whenever you talk about him makes me think I was wrong, about you two not lasting. I haven’t seen you this happy in a long, long time.”

“Thank you,” Toby replied, hearing the sincerity in her voice. When she reached out to wrap her arms around him in an unprecedented hug, he didn’t pull away.

“I know I don’t act like it sometimes, but I do want you both to be happy. My boys. I wish more happiness to you than I ever had.”

Even though the anger that had engulfed him in the heat of the moment that day had dissipated, Toby couldn’t bring himself to completely forgive his mother or forget all the degrading words she had spoken about Adil, not after they had cut so deeply and hit so close to home. But she had come around, like he had hoped she would. Which was more than what his father would have done. He guessed this was all he could do really – be honest and open with people, educate them, and hope that they accepted him for who he was.

“I really would like to meet him properly sometime soon. Maybe you can bring him round for dinner one day?”

She was trying, really trying, to be a better mother. And he wanted to begin the New Year better than the last, surrounded by the people he loved and with his boyfriend and family on good terms.

Toby nodded but warned her, if she ever insulted Adil like that again then he would leave, and he wouldn’t come back.

Because Adil meant more to him than anyone ever had before. And Toby knew if it was as choice between him or his mother he would chose Adil.

If it was a choice between Adil and the world, he would chose Adil every time, without hesitation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm off on holiday tomorrow and won't be able to post until I get back. I have the next chapter pretty much all written though so should be able to post it as soon as I'm back - it's one of my favourite things I have written and it just flowed so easily, I basically wrote it all in one go. 
> 
> Here's a wee sneak peak to keep you going:
> 
> “Adil!” Toby exclaimed loudly, and at once the group quieted and turned to look at him. He had been a source of entertainment for everyone the whole evening. 
> 
> “Yes, my darling?” Adil replied cautiously. 
> 
> “You are the most beautiful person to ever walk the earth.” He said seriously, earning a laugh from everyone who was listening. 
> 
> “Well thank you Toby,” Adil smiled in return. 
> 
> “I just wanna….” Toby started, before leaping up from his slouching position and walking quickly, although not quite steadily or straightly, over to where Adil was sitting next to a few of Freddie’s friends. 
> 
> Adil didn’t even have time to think before Toby plopped himself down on his lap, his knees either side of Adil’s. His hands moved to Adil’s chest and started roaming. Lower and lower and… 
> 
> Adil spluttered and clutched at Toby’s hands with his one free one. It was hard though, with his drink in the other and a very determined Toby on his lap he was finding it very difficult to stop Toby from fondling him in front of everyone.
> 
> “Oh my God, I’m going to tease him about this forever,” Freddie laughed, finding the situation hilarious. 
> 
>  
> 
> As always thank you for reading and to all of you who leave kudos and comments, it means so much to me :)


	13. Chapter 13

Toby was drunk.

It was his birthday, and his mother had decided a nice party at her house was the way to go about celebrating it. Her, Toby, Freddie, Adil, Emma and all their other family and some close friends. Although things with Toby’s mother had gotten off to a shaky start she was trying and making efforts to engage with Adil as she had assured – this party being one of them - and he could see that it meant a lot to Toby.

However, Toby still did not think much of the party idea, and had told Adil that morning “I’m going to get pissed. That’s the only way I’ll get through it.” And he had lived up to that promise.

Adil was sat on the sofa in what Toby had told him was ‘The Party Room.’ Adil, who had grown up in a two bedroom flat sharing a bedroom with two siblings, was quite shocked that there was such a thing.

Most of the guests hadn’t even bothered to talk to him, and he was quite relived he hadn’t had to make awkward conversation with all these friends of Toby’s mother from the high of society. Socialising with Toby and Freddie’s mother on her own was bad enough, it had taken him a few meetings before he felt like he wasn’t in the company of a very strict school teacher who would scold him for any little thing he did wrong. If Adil had been forced to deal with this situation as often as Toby must have had to growing up then he could understand his need to get plastered. 

However, most of Toby and Freddie’s friends that had been invited had made an effort, and Adil was pleased at how well he was getting on with them. There were also a few cousins who were close in age to the twins, and they had greeted Adil with smiles, open arms, and embarrassing stories of Toby from when they were children. Adil liked that a lot. Toby did not. 

The mood was relaxed with after dinner chat, and all the young ones had congregated around the sofas, whilst Toby’s mother and all her guests were gathered around the table at the other end of the room.

Freddie had just finished telling a story about the time when he had just passed his driving test and had gone on his first drive with Toby, who didn’t pass until a few months later.

Everyone was still laughing and Adil took a sip of the orange juice he held in his hand. He had decided to stay off the alcohol tonight. He looked over at Toby who was lounging against the arm of the other couch next to his brother, and found him already staring at him with what could only be described as desire. Adil felt himself blush as he looked away.

“Adil!” Toby exclaimed loudly, and at once the group quieted and turned to look at him. He had been a source of entertainment for everyone the whole evening.

“Yes, my darling?” Adil replied cautiously.

“You are the most beautiful person to ever walk the earth,” he said seriously, earning a laugh from everyone who was listening.

“Well, thank you Toby,” Adil smiled in return.

“I just wanna…” Toby started, before leaping up from his slouching position and walking quickly, although not quite steadily or straight, over to where Adil was sitting next to a few of Freddie’s friends.

Adil didn’t even have time to think before Toby plopped himself down on his lap, his knees either side of Adil’s. His hands moved to Adil’s chest and started roaming. Lower and lower and…

Adil spluttered and clutched at Toby’s hands with his one free one. It was hard though, with his drink in the other and a very determined Toby on his lap he was finding it very difficult to stop Toby from fondling him in front of everyone.

“Oh my God, I’m going to tease him about this forever,” Freddie laughed, finding the situation hilarious.

“Freddie who was it that made the drinks? I don’t know how many he’s had but he should not be as bad as this!” Adil asked, thankfully handing his glass over to the boy next to him who had held out a hand in offer whilst trying to stifle his laughter. Now that he had two hands free he took one of Toby’s in each of his own and intertwined their fingers, causing Toby to look up at him with a soppy grin on his face.

“Hmm, maybe our cousin Sam? She has never learned to measure alcohol. I would think she’s the most likely suspect,” Freddie replied.

“He was already drunk before dinner!” Adil exclaimed, remembering the incident at the table. He had been causing no trouble and was simply eating a mouthful of chicken when Toby’s hand had landed on this thigh and had started, very quickly, to trail up and up. Adil had choked on his food, moved his leg so suddenly that he bashed his knee off of the table, rattling the silverware and almost causing his glass of water to fall and spill. Thankfully he had managed to avoid that, his reflexes for catching glasses had always been great from working at pubs. However, he had managed to gain the attention of every single person at the table, and he mumbled an apology as he felt his face heat up with embarrassment. Freddie, who was sitting across from him, had caught his eye, raising an eyebrow with a grin. Adil figured he knew exactly what was going on.

“I’ve never seen him like this before, usually when he’s drunk he gets really happy and laughs at everything. But this, this is something new,” Freddie remarked, total glee pouring out of him.

Toby was still plastered over Adil, and now that his hands were locked and no longer free he had decided to move onto the next step, which was apparently trying to suck hickeys onto Adil’s neck.

Everyone was sniggering at the antics, although Adil could feel a blush appearing again. He didn’t like being the centre of attention, and he knew Toby didn’t either. He was going to be so embarrassed in the morning when Freddie teased him about his actions.

“Toby, stop.” Adil said sternly, removing his hands from Toby’s to try and push him away.

He learnt very quickly that was the wrong thing to do, as Toby resisted the nudge and, with unwavering determination, darted his hands down to Adil’s trousers, starting to fumble with the belt.

“Oh God...” Adil groaned, although he couldn’t help a small smile from appearing on his face. He was embarrassed for himself sure, but he couldn’t wait to see what Toby’s reaction would be when he found out what he had done.

“Okay, well I’m just going to take him up to his room,” Adil decided, grabbing Toby’s hands once more and starting to stand up, pushing Toby off as he moved.

“He needs to sleep it off,” he added quickly upon hearing the wolf whistles and jeers from the crowd.

“Good idea, Adil. But come back down once you’ve got him settled, yeah? No need for you to spend the rest of the night in bed when you could be down here having fun!” Freddie replied, nodding his consent.

“Sure,” Adil answered, sending a small smile to the older Hamilton brother. He didn’t want to be rude, and this was the first time he had met many of Toby’s friends and family. To disappear would be impolite. He probably hadn’t made the best first impression either, and he knew it was essential to Toby that he made an effort with the other important people in his life, and Adil was happy to. So even though he would have loved to spend the rest of the night curled up in bed with his boyfriend he agreed, knowing that all Toby would be doing anyway was sleeping.

Adil didn’t even glance towards the side of the room where Toby’s mother was as they made their way out, not wanting to make awkward eye contact or have to explain why he was escorting Toby upstairs in such a state.

He found out very quickly that manoeuvring a very drunk and very handsy Toby through his house was quite the challenge. They had already decided to stay over that night, as were Freddie and Emma, none of them wanting to undergo the drive back home. Toby had taken him up to his room when they had arrived, which had already been set up for the two of them. Adil had loved looking through Toby’s old stuff, building up a picture of what he was like as a young boy before they had met.

“Right, get into bed Toby,” Adil ordered once they reached his room, after practically man handling him up the stairs.

Toby let out the biggest grin, and Adil couldn’t help but smile at how cute he was.

“We gonna sex?” he asked seriously, the expression on his face straight and intense.

Adil stifled a laugh.

“No Toby.”

“Please?” he asked, pouting.

“No!” Adil chuckled, turning around to close the curtains. He heard some scuffling, and when he turned back Toby was lying on his bed, his shirt in a heap on the floor. His hands were fumbling with the button on his jeans, but his coordination was not up to the challenge.

“Come on Toby, let’s get you ready for bed,” Adil said, affection pouring out in his voice.

He leant down to undo the button, getting ready to pull the trousers down when Toby, with a show of strength and purpose which should not have been possible for someone that drunk, leapt up, pushed Adil onto his back and climbed on top of him.

“I need to do you,” he said, placing his mouth on Adil’s neck, trailing sloppy kisses frantically down to his collarbone. Adil gasped and fought with his morals for a second, but considering Toby was clearly in no fit state to agree to anything he decided it would not be a good idea to sleep with him in his childhood bedroom whilst his family and majority of friends were just downstairs.

“Toby…” Adil groaned once he found his voice again, “Stop!” he said firmly, pushing Toby gently and sitting them both up. Toby was still straddling him though, and this new position didn’t deter him. In fact it probably spurred him on more. He moved his hands so they were fisted in Adil’s hair and gave a yank, eliciting a moan from Adil without his permission. Before Adil could even begin to pull away Toby’s mouth was on his, kissing him like he couldn’t get enough. Kissing him as though he could never, would never, get enough. Like kissing Adil was as necessary as breathing. Adil enjoyed the kiss for a few moments before building up the will power to pull away.

“I’m not going to sleep with you when you’re like this,” Adil said, although it was hard to stick to his decision when Toby’s hands were scrambling all over his body. He grabbed them and brought them up to his mouth, kissing them softly.

“You’re too drunk darling.”

“I’m not drunk!” Toby scoffed.

“You are.”

“I am not. I am… so… so… sober,” Toby mumbled, his brow furrowed as he concentrated on the task at hand. His hands kept trying to move to Adil’s trousers and Adil had to keep batting them away.

“You kept trying to put your hands down my pants in front of all your family and friends.”

“My hands should live down your pants. All the time. Forever,” Toby said brightly, his smile seemingly getting wider and wider.

“That could never work Toby, awful idea,” Adil replied with a shake of his head.

“It’s literally the best idea I have ever had.”

“Okay then, if you say so.” Toby had given up on the trousers and had moved his hands up to clutch at Adil’s shoulders.

“I do say so. And I also say you should sex me right now.”

Toby had started moving, grinding down onto Adil. Adil had to close his eyes and hold on to all of his self-control to stop himself from just saying _what the hell_ and allowing Toby to do whatever he wanted. Adil let out a sigh and grabbed Toby’s hips, pausing his movements.

“Nope. You are going to go to sleep,” Adil stated firmly.

“With you?” Toby replied, smiling up at him.

“No. Actual sleep,” Adil laughed.

Toby pouted.

“But sleeping with you is the best kind of sleep.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry but you are not in any state to do anything just now.”

Toby just sighed and his head dropped onto Adil’s shoulder. Adil thought maybe that was it. That Toby had finally crashed down from his alcohol induced high. The peace was broken after only a few moments though.

“Hey, it’s my birthday!” Toby suddenly announced, as if he had just remembered. Adil inwardly sighed, although he couldn’t pretend that Toby wasn’t amusing him.

“Yes, it is. Not for much longer though.” Adil replied, looking at the clock which read 23:36. It wasn’t even midnight yet and he was already putting Toby to bed. How disappointing.

“So I should get birthday sex. It’s a rule.” Toby stated, seeming very pleased with his new finding. He looked up again at Adil with adoration.

“You’ve already had it Toby. This morning," Adil responded. They were just sitting now, Toby had his arms draped lazily over Adil’s shoulders and was staring at him with a look of pure joy on his face.

“Well I’ve been good! I deserve more.”

“You have not been good!”

“I have so!” Toby whined childishly, and if he had been standing Adil could imagine him stomping his foot in protest. 

“You tried to feel me up at the dinner table!” Adil exclaimed.

“Me?” Toby answered incredulously, as if that could not possibly be true.

“Yes, you. I can’t think of anyone else who would want to feel me up Tobes.”

“Someone else was feeling you up! Who?” Toby cried, enraged. “Was it Aunt Sue? She was giving you eyes all night...”

“No no Toby,” Adil cut him off, before he could start spitting out accusations at anymore of his family. “No one else is touching me apart from you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Maybe we should go downstairs, and I can sit on your lap and grab your face and kiss you like this…” he said, moving his hands to clutch at Adil’s face again and pulling him in to an absolutely filthy kiss, open mouthed and messy and loud. And although Adil loved these kind of kisses he definitely did not want anyone else to witness them.

They pulled back and Toby flashed him a grin.

“So everyone knows you're mine,” he whispered. Adil looked up to the sky and prayed for the restraint that he needed for his lust not to cloud his brain.

“Okayyy, that’s enough now Toby,” Adil decided, gently moving Toby from his lap, who just flopped down onto the bed.

“I’m going to get you some water. You better be in that bed and ready to sleep by the time I get back.”

“I’ll be in this bed and ready to…” Adil didn’t hear the last word due to the closing of the door, but he could imagine what it was likely to be.

When he returned he walked in to Toby lying on his bed. His trousers were half way down his legs, as if he had tried to undress but didn’t have enough energy to finish the job.

He was asleep, snoring softly with his mouth open.

Adil placed the glass of water on the bedside table, and gently finished undressing Toby, manoeuvring him so he was under the covers and pulling them up to his chin.

Toby mumbled slightly and cracked his eyes open, smiling sleepily up at him.

“You’re an angel,” Toby muttered, his voice slurred. Whether that was from the drunkenness or tiredness Adil wasn’t sure.

“I adore you Toby Hamilton,” Adil whispered, lifting his hand and running it down Toby’s cheek slowly. “Now sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up,” he continued.

“M’kay…” Toby replied, already falling quickly.

Adil just gazed upon him for a moment, feeling the happiness bloom in his chest. He had never loved someone the way he loved Toby. Toby was it for him. He had found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And that was the simple truth.

He pressed a quick kiss onto Toby’s forehead before turning away and walking to the door. He glanced back once more with a smile before clicking the light out and heading back down to the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it :) 
> 
> I'm having a bit of trouble with the next chapter, I've just not been very motivated but I'm going to leave it a few days and come back and hopefully inspiration will hit and I'll be able to get it out pretty soon! 
> 
> I want to say a big thank you to everyone who is still reading, I don't know how many of you there are but I am still loving writing these two and I hope you are all still enjoying what I'm writing. This fic is a way for me to fill the Toby and Adil shaped hole in my life and if it can do that for even one more person then that makes me extremely happy!


	14. Chapter 14

Toby and Adil were running late. It wasn't their fault. They had just gotten a bit… distracted.

So even though Toby knew that Freddie had booked a table for 7 o'clock here they were, at 7:15, hurrying down the street with their hands gripped tightly together, trying not to bang into anyone as they rushed through the crowds.

“Toby, come on!” Adil encouraged as they ran round the last corner.

“I know, I know,” he panted, stopping briefly to catch his breath, Adil looking back at him with a fond smile. If there was one thing Toby hated more than being late, it was running. And Adil knew that, but to be fair it was Toby’s fault they were having to run in the first place.

When they reached the restaurant - only 20 minutes late, which wasn't  _that_  bad, Toby thought - they hurried in the door and immediately spotted Freddie and Emma sitting at a table at the far end of the room.

“Over here!” Toby gestured to Adil, dragging him over.

“Boys!” Emma greeted happily as they made their way over, still slightly out of breath. She seemed in a very good mood, so Toby surmised that she wasn't annoyed at them.

“Sorry we’re late, there was umm – traffic. Bad traffic,” Toby said, but one look at his brother showed how little he believed that.

“Toby, you walked,” he laughed.

“Yeah, well, there was foot traffic,” he bit back, causing Freddie to snort and let out a short laugh.

“People. You mean people.”

They just looked at each other for a second before they both burst out laughing, and Toby could hear Adil’s striking laugh from beside him.

Emma stood up quickly from her place at the table and walked around to where the boys were standing. She pulled Toby in for a hug and he gripped back tightly, greeting her with a smile. Toby began to apologise again as she pulled back and moved on to embrace Adil, but stopped short as he noticed the sparkling silver ring on her finger. A ring he had been shown a few weeks ago by his very excited brother with the promise of not telling a single soul about it.

“Congratulations!” Toby yelled loudly, almost forgetting they were in public. He looked over at his brother who was beaming back at him. Toby had never seen him so happy.

“Thank you!” Emma squealed and thrust her hand into Toby’s face so he could get a better look.

“Isn’t it beautiful?”

Adil, who had up until this point a confused look on his face, finally realised what was going on and burst into a smile, pulling Emma back in for a hug.

Toby had known Freddie was going to propose for a while, they had talked about it a month or so ago, not long after New Year. He wasn’t shocked at all, he knew that the two of them were destined to be together forever and it would only be a matter of time before they took the next step. It hadn’t been easy keeping it a secret though, he had wanted to shout it from the rooftops, or at the very least tell Adil. It had been very, very challenging not to tell him. He hated keeping things from his boyfriend, but it wasn’t his secret to tell. And he would never betray Freddie’s trust like that. Freddie had insisted that the less people who knew, the better, as it would be less likely that Emma would figure it out. Toby had to agree with that – Emma was very perceptive, and neither of them were any good at lying.

Freddie and Emma had been together for so long, and had been inseparable as friends for even longer. They were all left together from early childhood, Emma’s father being good friends with their parents, as well as owning a 5 star hotel that had almost become a second home to the Hamilton family. It was no surprise really when they had become an item. Not for Toby anyway. Freddie was his twin brother after all. He had seen the way his brother acted around her, could see the look in his eyes and the smile that would appear on his face whenever he saw her. He had seen how happy they made one another, and that had made him happy in return.

When they had announced that they were dating during dinner one night at the hotel he showed his love and support, but at the same time he couldn't help but feel the tinge of sadness. He knew who he was by then and with the announcement came the overwhelming feeling of despair that he would never get to have what they had. That he would never have someone who looked at him as if he were their whole world, as if they couldn't bear the thought of living without him. He didn't think he would ever have the chance to introduce someone to his parents, and to picture a future with a boy that he loved.

But he had been wrong.

“You finally did it then, huh?” Toby teased his brother, giving him a friendly nudge with his shoulder.

“Yeah, last night. Didn’t end up doing it as I planned, but since when has that ever been the case in our relationship?”

Toby laughed in agreement.

“Well, she said yes, so at least that part went well!”

Toby glanced across at Adil as he laughed and pulled out of the hug with Emma and switched to congratulate Freddie, his smile lighting up his whole face and gleeful laughter ringing through the restaurant, intoxicating him.

He felt a hand on his arm and looked over at Emma who was smirking at him.

“I'm so delighted for you both. You will officially be a part of our family now,” Toby said with a smile. He couldn’t think of a better person in the whole world who he would rather have as a sister in law.

“I know what you're thinking Toby,” she replied, and Toby’s eyes drifted over to watch Adil again. It was as if he couldn't stop himself.

But it was too early to be thinking such thoughts.  Freddie and Emma had been together for years, had known each other almost all their lives. Toby hadn't even known Adil for a year. And although he knew that he loved Adil, that he never wanted to let him go, he also knew that they had a long way to go before they found out whether they would last, whether they would have a future together.

“No you don't,” Toby answered, although he knew that she probably did. She just winked at him as if to say ‘you can’t hide your feelings from me’ before dragging him down to sit at the table.

And it still seemed crazy to him, that he even had the prospect of getting married - to anyone - in his future. After all, it wasn’t so long ago that gay marriage had been illegal. Growing up he had never fantasised about having his own wedding, because he never thought it would be possible. But now he could fantasise all he wanted.

“So tell me all about the proposal!” Adil exclaimed after everyone was settled. He was obviously still surprised and looked about as ecstatic as Toby felt. Toby watched the way his eyes lit up and the smile adorned his face as Emma went on to explain in much detail the events of the night before. He was engrossed in the story, gasping and nodding in all the right places.

From there they started reminiscing – their first kiss, first date, funny memories, embarrassing memories. Toby heard stories that he had listened to many times before, ones that involved him, but also was introduced to new ones. Like the fact that his mother and father had tried to encourage Freddie to find a more suitable partner, and Toby felt himself go cold at the thought that they hadn’t been happy with Freddie’s choice, just like with Adil. He felt a burning anger towards his parents then, something which he hadn’t felt for a while. Why couldn’t they have just accepted the people that their sons loved? It made him feel achingly empty and sad. But then they moved on to talk about some embarrassing childhood memories, and Adil placed his hand on his thigh giving it a squeeze. Toby grabbed his hand and held it there, and soon the unhappiness had melted away as Adil’s laugh filled him with bliss.

Toby felt like Adil fitted into their little family almost too well, like a missing puzzle piece that you hadn’t realised was gone until all the other parts were in place. Toby thought that maybe Adil would feel slightly awkward or left out when the three of them began talking about the past that they had all shared, but he never was. He just listened with rapt attention, reacting at all the right places, laughing along with them and soaking up everything he could about Toby and his life. He brought something new to their dynamic that made it all the better. And more than once during the course of the meal Toby found himself thinking how lucky he was to have this man, to be able to fall asleep next to him and wake up with him in his arms.

Toby had never felt like an outcast when he was with Freddie and Emma, they had always made a terrific trio. And after they started dating they hadn’t made him feel like a third wheel, which he had slightly feared (if he was being completely honest with himself). But he had always seen the pair of them and thought, _wouldn’t this just be completely perfect if I had someone of my own, to love me the way Emma loves Freddie?_ He knew that he had found that with Adil, and then some. He couldn’t picture them together now without Adil by their sides, it would’ve felt wrong if he hadn’t been there with them tonight.

 

 

As they lay in bed that night curled together, Toby rested his head on his boyfriend’s chest so he could feel the calming rhythm of his heart and couldn’t help holding Adil a little tighter, imagining where the future might take them. It’s all that he was able to think about during their dinner, even though he had tried not to. Even as they talked and laughed and ate, his thoughts seemed to always stray back. He would look at the ring on Emma’s finger and wonder what his would look like, before shaking the thought away. But then Freddie would mention another detail about the proposal, and Toby found himself thinking how would I propose? What would Adil like? Would I even be the one to do it?

Then he would tell himself he was being stupid. It was too soon. He didn’t need to worry about it now.

But the thoughts were there, and they kept coming back despite his effort to push them away.

“Adil?” He whispered after a little while of being immersed in his own thoughts. Everything was quiet for a moment, and Toby thought he had fallen asleep before he heard the soft reply.

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask you a stupid question?”

“Toby, I doubt a stupid question has ever come out of your mouth. But yes, you can ask me anything.”

“With people like us… couples like us… who proposes?” It was something that Toby hadn’t ever thought about until tonight. It’s not like there was a more feminine and more masculine person in their relationship.

“I don’t know, I guess whoever gets there first,” Adil rolled over so he was facing Toby, smiling brightly and running his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair.

“I always thought it was stupid anyway. The guy getting to ask the girl. It’s not very fair, especially if she doesn’t know it’s coming and has to make a decision in a split second,” Adil added, looking thoughtful.

“I hadn’t thought about it that way before,” Toby replied, realising that there was a lot of things that seemed to be falling into that category recently.

They had never really talked about their future together before. Not properly. They had gotten off to a bit of a rocky start, and then after that Toby had been worrying about his mother and then just basking in the glory of how well everything was going he hadn’t thought about it much. All he knew was that he was in it for the long haul, whatever that meant and wherever they ended up. But tonight had got him thinking, really properly thinking, about what might happen to him. And although it was rather exciting, it was also a whole lot of scary.

He didn’t even know if Adil would  _want_  to get married. They were both still so young. And kids… They had never discussed it. That was a deal breaker for some people, what if it was for them? What if they had different ideas of where they wanted to end up? Toby thought he would want kids, but at the same time he was terrified of becoming a father like his own. But he could picture it now  - him and Adil with a toddler running around their legs, and Toby’s heart skipped a beat over how perfect the scene was to him.

Gosh, marriage and now kids? He really had been effected by this engagement.

Maybe these things were something you were supposed to talk about when you were getting to know the person, not when you’re so in love you can’t picture your life without them. Toby didn’t know, he didn’t have much experience to go on after all. What if Adil didn’t want kids? It would be a hard, long journey for them after all. Toby had never looked in to adoption before, but he knew it was extremely difficult. What if they decided they wanted to start a family, but then the stress and pressure broke them apart?

“Toby, whatever is going on in that head of yours, please relax.”

Toby was broken out of his internal monologue by Adil’s soothing voice. He shook his head to clear his thoughts then sat up so that his back was against the headboard. He pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them.

“Sorry,” he apologised, knowing that if he got into more of a state he could very well end up in another panic attack and that was definitely something he did not want tonight. Adil reached over and entwined their hands together.

“There’s no need to apologise, darling. You know, its times like this I wish I could read your mind…” Adil said as he shuffled to sit up as well. 

“Oh no, thank goodness you can’t! I would have gotten myself into a whole lot of trouble when we first met,” Toby laughed, his worries dissipating with every word that Adil spoke. He didn’t have to worry about anything right now, he could just feel comfortable wrapped in Adil’s arms and everything would still be the same tomorrow.

“Although I doubt you’d need to be psychic to be able to know what I’m thinking about tonight,” he admitted as he played with Adil’s fingers, a habit that he had found himself doing more often. He let his touch linger on Adil’s ring finger, and he heard Adil’s breath hitch. Toby knew he was blushing as he said the words, but didn’t quite know why. There was nothing to feel embarrassed about.

“Of course I know you’re thinking about marriage, I just don’t know what sort of thoughts they are. Why did you have that look in your eye like you were about to panic?” Adil asked, not scolding but soothing, trying to understand the younger man.

“I was just overthinking again, about where life is going to take me,” he replied, before quickly adding a whispered “Us.”

“I know we haven’t discussed it and we definitely will properly another time, but I want you to know that whatever happens, I love you and I am going to do all in my power to be the best boyfriend to you that you deserve and see where that takes us. And if that means becoming the best husband, then – then I think that is something I would be up for,” Adil said, smiling at Toby at wrapping his arm around his shoulders.

“Really?” Toby breathed in an almost whisper, grinning widely as he rested his head back onto Adil. Sometimes he still had to pinch himself when Adil said stuff like that which made his heart melt, he hadn’t ever believed that words like these would ever be directed at him.

“Toby, all I want is for you to be happy, no matter what. And as long as I am part of that happiness I’ll do whatever it takes to keep that beautiful smile on your beautiful face.”

Maybe Adil didn’t think that it was too early to be seriously considering their future together, after all it wasn’t that long until they’d be celebrating the anniversary of the day they’d first met. Didn’t people get married after like a week of knowing each other?

Adil pressed a kiss onto Toby’s forehead, before pulling him down gently so they were once again lying down wrapped in each other.

“Just try not to worry about it darling, okay? We can talk about it soon I promise, but now you need to sleep,” Adil whispered softly into the dark room.

“Goodnight love,” Toby murmured as he repositioned his head over Adil’s chest, his arms coming up to enclose him in a safe cocoon.

He knew that they had a lot to discuss, and that they were not certain to be together forever – forever was a long time, and there was still a tiny part of him that was still waiting for Adil to get tired of him, that still replayed his father’s words about how he didn’t deserve this happiness. But when Toby began to think thoughts like that he would start to list all the nice, wonderful things Adil had done for him and said to him, and before long the doubts would be hidden again and all he would feel was loved and cherished.

Toby didn’t know if they would ever get married. But at the same time he knew that if they did cross that bridge then he wanted to be the one to propose to Adil. It just felt right. Toby fell asleep easy that night with a smile on his face, and dreamed of a future with a house, a child, a dog and of course Adil, the word ‘ _husbands’_  floating through his head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically 80% of this chapter was written by the super talented love_hp.  
> I want to thank her for all her support, for reading my drafts and fixing (some) of my mistakes, and for helping me when I'm stuck. Without her this story would never have been written.  
> Please show her some love and if you haven't already then check out her fics, they are amazing! 
> 
> As always thanks for reading. Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated :)


	15. Chapter 15

Planning a wedding was stressful. Adil knew this objectively, for he had a big family and had attended many. But he had never been as close to one as he was for this. They had set a date for late November giving everyone a good seven months to get everything sorted. But every time Adil saw Mrs Hamilton she was fussing over one thing or another, and there were no conversations with her anymore that did not somehow lead back to the wedding.

It was exciting too though. Emma and Freddie wore identical smiles on their faces almost all of the time, even though they were both hauling themselves through their last semesters, getting ready to graduate. Adil himself was only a couple of months away from finishing his course, and although he felt great pride and joy knowing that it would soon be done he also felt trepidation at what his future would hold.

He helped as much as he could but he could not pretend to know anything about flowers or napkins or what lace would look better for the decorations (although Freddie and Emma did appreciate his input on the menu and food). He and Toby often ended up just sitting and watching amusedly as Mrs Hamilton rushed about asking the future bride and groom question after question. On one particularly stressful day when they were trying to decide what font to use on the invitations (which seemed very silly to Adil, surely no one would care?) their mother had let out a sigh and ran her fingers through her messy hair, turning to look at Toby and Adil who were sitting curled up on the sofa, trying to hold back their laughter at the faces Freddie was making.

“It better not be like this when you two get married. Honestly, I don’t think I could take it!” she exclaimed before shuffling out of the room muttering about envelopes and place cards.

Adil felt himself blush and he smiled shyly at Toby who returned the smile before they both averted their gaze.

Why was he being so shy? Just last night he had Toby naked underneath him, writhing in pleasure and gasping his name. But a mention of marriage is enough to get him all flustered and nervous?

Adil heard a snort and looked up to see Freddie smiling fondly at them both.

“You guys are so unbelievably naïve it’s adorable,” he laughed, never passing up an opportunity to tease his brother.

“I don’t think you’d be saying that if you knew what we’d been up to last night,” Toby retorted, and Adil choked as Freddie let out a roar of laughter.

Emma joined in and soon enough Adil was laughing along with them, haven gotten over the brief embarrassment. By being with Toby he had inadvertently gained another brother and sister, and he would be forever grateful. He knew that Toby felt the same – that he had now become part of Adil’s own family. His little brother and sister adored him and were constantly asking when his Toby would be coming round again. Adil wasn’t embarrassed to admit that he felt a flutter in his stomach every time they referred to Toby as ‘his’. His parents also loved him, and often talked about how lucky Adil was to have found someone like him. And every time Toby smiled or laughed or kissed him Adil found himself thanking the lucky stars that they had met.

So even though they had only been together just over a year Adil did not find the idea of marriage daunting, rather ever since the engagement he had felt the idea settle in to him with a warmth. He couldn’t imagine a life without Toby now. He couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. And that was what scared Adil more than anything else, the fact that Toby held his heart in his hands and could easily snap it in two.

But then Toby threw his arm around Adil’s shoulder and pulled him close, announcing to the others that “Our wedding will be so much better than yours.”

And Adil didn’t think he had much to worry about at all.

-

Toby was rubbish at keeping secrets. And secrets that he was happy about were almost impossible for him to hold in.

“Why are you grinning like that?” Adil asked as they sat across from each other. They had arrived at the restaurant only five minutes ago but Toby could not keep his eyes on the menu, they would flicker up to Adil every few seconds.

“I’m just smiling, that’s not a crime,” Toby replied, his gaze now firmly locked on the menu although Adil could tell he wasn’t reading the words printed on it.

“Just tell me,” Adil said, his voice sounding exasperated but amused at the same time.

“I can’t!” Toby replied adamantly, but he looked up at Adil anyway.

Adil just raised an eyebrow at him and Toby sighed in return, placing his menu down on the table.

Adil did the same and then just watched as Toby fiddled with his hands, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to hold it in for long.

And sure enough, after no more than minute, he opened his mouth.

“I was going to tell you at home, after dinner,” he started excitedly, and Adil felt the smile curling onto his own face as if this joy and happiness was contagious.

“Remember I was telling you about Emma’s father? Richard?”

Adil only nodded because he knew that Toby was too enthusiastic to wait for a spoken reply.

“Well, I’ve been talking to him and – this is amazing – I managed to get you an interview at his hotel!” Toby said, beaming at Adil. But Adil felt the smile slip from his face for a second before he plastered it back on, trying to show even a small bit of enthusiasm.

“That’s – that’s – his hotel. In London?”

“Yes! He mentioned that he’s really busy right now with the wedding and a few staff members are leaving so he needs to find new people and one of the positions he needs to fill is sous chef!” Toby started, talking quickly as if he needed to get everything out as soon as possible. His hands were flying about, animating his words and showing just how thrilled he was. But Adil’s heart rate had sped up and he moved his sweaty hands to rub at his trousers.

“So of course I mentioned you and how you’re graduating and that you are a wonderful cook and a wonderful person and he laughed at me and said you could come in for an interview, although you will not be shown favouritism for being with me.”

Adil just stared at Toby and Toby smiled back, seemingly thinking that it was just too much for Adil to take in. And it was. But just not in the way he was thinking. Adil didn’t know what to say.

“London.” He repeated again, and there must have been something in his voice because the smiled slipped immediately from Toby’s face.

“Yeah well I thought – I thought we could move there together. As in live together. In London.” Toby stuttered out, his hands now flat on the table and a look of apprehension in his eye.

“Toby I can’t,” Adil replied with a shake of his head.

“Oh,” Toby choked out, and Adil could see the tears starting to form and reached out across the table to grab Toby’s hand, holding on tight.

Toby let out a shaky breath and starting speaking.

“God, I’m moving too fast aren’t I? We’ve not even been together that long…”

Adil cut him off with an adamant “No!”

But Toby shook his head and pulled his hand away.

“That is the one thing I am not worrying about. Honestly Toby, I would like nothing more than to live you,” Adil started, not wanting Toby to think that he was having doubts about them. Of course he wanted to live with Toby. It’s what they were basically doing now. Adil spent more time at Toby’s flat than he did at his house, and over the year they had been together plenty of his belongings had made themselves permanent residents there.

Adil loved Toby so much that sometimes he couldn’t breathe. But there was more to think about than just love.

“But? I feel like there’s a but coming,” Toby mumbled, looking resigned.

“You can’t just spring this on me! London! It’ just…. It’s just…”

“Adil we talked about it before remember? You, me, Freddie and Emma – a two bedroom flat. You weren’t that drunk.”

“No, no. I do remember. But I thought that was more of an ‘oh how amazing would it be to do this’ rather than discussing actual, feasible plans.”

Adil remembered that night. They had all been camped out in the living room at Freddie’s and had had a night full of board games, drinks and laughter. And they had talked about what they wanted to do after graduation. Freddie and Emma had instantly said they were going to move to London, and Toby had gone on and on about how great that would be and how they could share a flat and how there were more jobs for Adil there anyway. And Adil had agreed and smiled along and had said something along the lines of ‘I would love that!’ which had Toby clambering onto his lap and kissing him senseless.

But it had never been brought up again and Adil had thought that all it had been was a bit of drunken wishful thinking.

“So all that time you were saying it would be wonderful you were lying?” Toby asked with a raised voice, and Adil motioned at him to be quieter as people started to look at their table.

“I wasn’t lying. It would be,” he promised, reaching out to grab Toby’s hand again, but Toby just moved it out of reach. Adil felt a pang in his chest. It wasn’t meant to be like this. He had thought when they decided to live together it would be a scene full of smiles and happiness. Not this.

“But?” Toby asked, the hurt evident in his voice as he slumped back into his chair.

Adil didn’t know what to say.

“It’s what you’ve always wanted Adil – a 5 star kitchen under your command,” Toby pressed. He looked confused.

“I didn’t want it like this,” Adil muttered, not knowing how he would explain to Toby what he was feeling.

“What do you mean?”

Adil thought hard before he opened his mouth to answer the question. Toby just didn’t understand. Adil didn’t have much, but he had his pride. He grew up with a loving family but there were some weeks where they would only just scrape by, and when Adil got older he came to understand just how difficult it was. Toby had never had that. He was privileged, and although Adil would never hold it against him he knew that Toby did not view money the same way he did. And it wasn’t Toby’s fault, but he had never had to work even half as hard as Adil did, just to survive. Toby had had his share of hardships with his father and the society he was brought up in. But this was one thing he would not understand.

“I’m not the type of person who lets others pave the way for me and just go along with the ride having done no hard work myself. All my life I’ve had to work three times as hard as anyone else, just to reach the same goals,” Adil said, watching as Toby’s brow furrowed and he lifted a hand to run it through his hair.

“It’s not a guaranteed job Adil. He just said he would interview you. And trust me, if he doesn’t like you or your work then he will not hesitate to tell you no.”

“Even if I’m your boyfriend?” Adil queried.

“Especially since I’m your boyfriend. Richard is not one to show favouritism – he never has and never will. But you should take this opportunity to try and fight for what you’ve dreamed of. I’m not handing you over a perfect life that you just have to step into. I’m just offering you a helping hand. Please Adil, let me help you.”

Adil wanted to. He really did. But there was more to it than that. How would he afford rent in London when he had barely enough saved up for somewhere in Oxford?

“I don’t want to be the type of person who leaches off of their partner and gives nothing in return. I can’t do that Toby,” he replied with a shake of his head.

“It’s just an interview. I’m not giving you a ready-made job on a silver platter. You are going to have to work for it. But I know you and I know your talent and I know you would fit right in there. Let me help you Adil. You’ve helped me so much with everything, and you’ve never complained when I was difficult or moody and you stayed. You stayed through all the bullshit with my mother and the panic attacks and the days where I can’t even force a smile on my face. I love you more than anything in the world, so just let me help you.”

“My family…” Adil started, but Toby cut him off.

“Would be incredibly proud.”

And Adil knew that was true. He could imagine their reactions if he told them he’d acquired a job in one of the top hotels in London. They would cheer and probably cry and tell him how delighted they were, their voices full of pride. And he knew they would offer to help pay for things but he also knew they couldn’t. They would want to, but they couldn’t.

Adil was prevented from replying by the appearance of the waiter. They quickly ordered but the tension between them could still be felt, it was simmering between them and Toby looked extremely hurt.

Adil didn’t know what to say to remove the frown and worry lines. He could not pretend that he did not want a life with Toby in London with the job of his dreams. But he couldn’t give Toby false hope and tell him how much he wished he could. London was just too far out of reach. And now, even though Toby was only just over a metre away, he too, was out of reach. For Adil knew that perhaps this would be something they could not get past, and he started to feel sick to his stomach.

He needed to explain. But to tell Toby the reason would mean he would appear weak. Toby did not know how little Adil actually had in savings. Adil had known how little he had to offer in terms of a future, but when they’d both still been in education it didn’t seem to matter. But now that they were coming to the end of their academic lives what was to become of them? Adil had always known that Toby was too good for him, but he loved him so much he found himself pushing the thought away. And it was easy when Toby was there, telling him he loved him too. Telling him that he was the only one he had ever loved, the only one to make him happy.

“Adil, please. Talk to me,” Toby pleaded, and this time it was him who reached over to grab Adil’s hands on top of the table.

“I do want to be with you, truly. But Toby… I can’t afford London.”

And Toby just laughed.

Adil felt tears of embarrassment well up in his eyes and yanked his hands away, pushing his chair back and stumbling up.

“Adil, wait!” Toby shouted after him, but he did not slow down.

He crashed through the doors of the restaurant and onto the street. Was that really what Toby thought of him? A hand grabbed hold of his arm and he whipped around to see Toby standing there, a look of regret and shame on his face.

“I didn’t mean anything by that I swear to you,” Toby begged for understanding, but Adil just shook his head and stepped away. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and let out a shaky breath.

“Lack of money may be something you can laugh at but for me, it’s definitely not!” Adil bit back. But he stayed. He knew that he couldn’t just run away because he was mad. It never fixed anything and never would. They were both irrational when they let their emotions take over them, and many arguments had ended with slammed doors and tears. That was until they realised they just needed to take a second, breathe in deeply, and talk about what was happening.

“I just meant that if that was the only thing you’re worried about then it doesn’t matter,” Toby pressed, moving to stand closer to Adil. They were outside the restaurant, the bright lights from inside shining on them, allowing Adil to see clearly the expression on Toby’s face. It was one of regret but also confusion. Because he just didn’t understand.

“Of course it matters,” Adil said with a shake of his head. Toby just gave him an exasperated look and grabbed his hands. Adil let him intertwine their fingers together but couldn’t stop a sigh from escaping.

“Adil I have money. My father left me more than I could ever imagine and I can use that. I’d love to see what his reaction would be that his well-earned cash is going towards buying a flat for me and my boyfriend,” Toby chuckled, trying to bring some humour into the situation. It didn’t work.

“I can’t let you do that!” Adil exclaimed.

“Of course you can!”

“Take a job from you? Take a flat from you? I’m not the kind of person who will take and take and take and never give anything back,” Adil shouted, looking into Toby’s eyes and praying that he would understand. He couldn’t just let Toby pay his way, he wouldn’t be able to live like that.

Toby let go of Adil’s hands and moved his own to cup Adil’s face.  

“Adil, I want to buy us a flat. I just – I never thought I would even get the opportunity to move in with someone. Someone who I love and who loves me. I had never pictured my future like this. But now that I have it, that I have you, I don’t want to let you go. And this city – it was never going to be my home forever. You knew that. And I know it’s not fair to ask you to leave your family and that you have more here to miss than I do but I just… I just want you. We can make it work, I know we can,” Toby said, his voice trembling near the end.

“I can’t sit back and let you pay my way for me. That’s not how relationships work. We are meant to be equal,” Adil whispered back, and Toby closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and moving his hands away. He took a step back and turned away, running a hand through his hair before turning back to look at Adil. Adil could tell he was trying to think of what to say without insulting him. It was a far cry from the Toby he first met who let his emotions overtake him and who would lash out when the emotions got too much. Toby was trying. He really was. And that meant so much to Adil. But it wouldn’t change his mind.

“But Adil that’s not fair. I have so much more than you…” Toby pointed out and Adil let out a groan. It wasn’t the point. He thought of how happy he had been that morning, joking about their wedding with Freddie and Emma. How could everything go so wrong so quickly?

“Yeah! But that doesn’t mean I’m weaker.”

“I’m not saying that!” Toby cried, sounding frustrated.

“What if we’re living there and we break up and then because you paid for it all I’m suddenly kicked out with nowhere to stay…” Adil started but trailed off as Toby stopped his fidgeting, standing completely still and staring at him, his mouth half open in shock.

“You think there’s a break up in our future?” he asked, his voice breaking and no hint of the annoyance that had been evident only moments before.

“No that’s not what I’m saying,” Adil replied, his heart almost breaking at the look on Toby’s face, a tear starting to fall. It’s not what he had meant at all.

“It sounds like that’s what you’re saying. That you don’t believe we would last. If that’s how you feel then why are we even together? Maybe we should just end things now?” Toby snapped bitterly, and Adil stumbled back from the shock of the words.

“Toby you don’t mean that,” Adil whispered quietly into the space between them.

Toby deflated.

“No, I don’t. I love you, I want to be with you. Adil, please. Talk to me,” Toby begged, once again grabbing Adil’s hands. Adil knew he was thinking of the last time they had argued in the street outside the cinema, and how Adil had walked away. But he wouldn’t do it this time. He had found that relationships take effort, and that no matter how many arguments or fights they had they would always get through it if they just communicated. If they talked and listened and worked through it then everything would be okay.

So Adil talked. He told Toby that he hoped that they would stay together, forever if he had any say, but it felt as if the thought that one day they would be over always haunted him. That no matter how often they talked about weddings or a future or how much they loved each other Adil was still waiting for the moment that Toby would realise that he was too good for him.

“Adil… I never knew that’s how you felt,” Toby whispered after he had finished, he ran his hand through Adil’s hair before pulling him tightly into a hug. Adil melted into the embrace and sniffled, trying to fight back his tears. He felt bare now. Now that he had emptied his soul and poured out his worst fears and insecurities to Toby.

“I know you think that having no money means that you don’t deserve me but you couldn’t be more wrong. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. I don’t care about money. I care about being happy. I care about you. So you might not be able to contribute to the flat just now, but when you become a head chef you’ll be making way more than me. And you have so much more to give that is far more important than money. What can I say to make you believe that it doesn’t matter to me?” Toby said, his hand moving comfortingly over Adil’s back and Adil just let out a small sob in return, burying his face into the crook of Toby’s neck.

“I believe it. But the thing is, it matters to me,” Adil sniffed.

Toby pulled back, looking at Adil so he could see the sincerity that filled his next words.

“We’ll work something out. Call it a loan or something. Set up something for you to pay me back. But those jokes about our wedding, the thought of getting to exchange vows with you and call you my husband. It gives me such a feeling of joy that overtakes me and winds into me, becoming part of me. You are a part of me Adil. And if you dream of a future together like I do then please, say you’ll come with me. We can work something out with the money I promise. But if there’s another reason that you don’t want to come to London with me then please, tell me now…”

“No. Toby there’s nothing. I do. I do want to live with you. And you’re right we’ll work something out,” Adil smiled, tears flowing steadily down his face.

“Is that a yes?” Toby asked, beaming.

“Yes!” Adil laughed, and Toby grinned back at him, pulling him into an awkward, teeth clanking kiss because they were both smiling so much.

So maybe they hadn’t really sorted anything. But Toby had listened to Adil’s worries and had only responded with kindness and love. Adil knew that they could work it out. Because they could fix anything, any problems that came their way. As long as they were together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting into the last quarter of this story now...  
> Can't believe all the love this story has received and want to say thank you again to everyone who has stuck with it, and I hope you will continue reading until the end!  
> I'm excited for what I have planned for the last few chapters but I'm going to be sad when it's over!


	16. Chapter 16

_June_

Graduation was nothing like Toby had ever thought it would be. For one, he was happy. Genuinely and truly happy. He glanced over from his seat to look at the people who had come to support him.

Freddie, who had graduated himself earlier in the week. They continued to become closer and closer as the months passed, and Toby found himself opening up more and more to him. Before their father had died there had always been a strain between them, as long as he had been alive it was as if there was constant competition between the brothers. One that Toby would lose again and again and again. But now it wasn’t like that at all. They were real brothers now.

Emma was sat beside him, looking as beautiful and radiant as ever. Her face had been plastered with a smile since the engagement, and even the stress of planning her wedding didn’t seem to shake her impenetrable good mood. Perhaps it was because her father and their mother were doing most of the hard work - bringing her options to look through, cakes to sample, dresses to try on. Toby could tell she was loving it and that she was counting down the days till the wedding. Not that he could blame her. He sometimes found himself doing the same.

His mother. Toby still felt the bitterness sometimes, unable to fully escape the past and move on. But she was constantly trying and being better. Toby was just elated that she was there, that she supported him and his degree pathway, and that she supported his relationship.

Toby’s gaze then moved to Adil. He lost his breath for a second, only a second, as Adil met his eyes and gave him a blinding smile. Toby often found himself feeling like this, like he was so full of love and affection for this man that he thought he would burst. Every day with Adil was a blessing. Even when they fought and argued and cried tears of frustration they would work it out. Because Toby loved Adil more than anyone else in the world. And if Adil’s words were to be believed, he felt exactly the same.

It felt strange, this part of his life coming to an end. If he could go back and tell his younger self on the day he started his course that this would be his life when he graduated he would never have believed it. But here he was.

After the ceremony ended Toby leisurely wandered over to where his family were standing. Freddie was the first to spot him and let out a cheer, causing Toby to laugh. He was pulled into hugs and congratulations were passed around until he found himself standing face to face with Adil. They smiled soppily at each other, and Toby only had a second to think about how they had turned into one of _those couples_ before Adil’s hands were on his face and pulling him into a kiss. They kept it short and sweet but Toby still felt the tingle when they pulled away, still felt like his heart would burst with everything he was feeling.

He had a boyfriend that he loved. He had a degree. He had a flat waiting in London and a few job interviews set up. His life was pretty great. But he couldn’t wait to see how it would get even better.

 

_September_

“No.”

“Freddie come on…” Toby whined, not caring that he sounded like a petulant child.

“I’ve been waiting all week to watch this!” Freddie exclaimed, moving the remote control away from Toby as he tried to reach for it.

“That’s such a lie! You are a liar!” Toby shouted back, trying to scramble over the sofa to grab the object that kept being moved out of his reach.

“I’m not! I watch this every week,” Freddie retorted, a hint of exasperation in his voice.

“Well how come I didn’t know that before?”

“Because you didn’t live with me then! And now you do.”

The physical moving into the flat had been a breeze. Emma and Freddie had moved in first, a week before Toby and Adil did, as they had stayed to spend a little extra time with Adil’s family. That meant that mostly everything was already set up when they arrived, apart from their bedroom.

They had managed to find a decent sized two-bedroom flat, close enough to the tube station that would take Adil and Toby to their respective jobs. Adil had managed to get the chef job at Richard’s hotel, which he was very, very excited to start. Toby, after many failed applications and interviews managed to find a job at Bloomsbury Publishing. He was to start in a weeks time and was immensely looking forward to it. The flat had been quite pricey, but Freddie and Toby agreed that they wouldn’t spend the money on anything else. After all, anywhere in London was going to be expensive, they had known that. Adil was still quite prickly sometimes whenever the topic of money came up but Toby was slowly working on it, although he knew the problem would probably never go away, not entirely.

Toby had felt very pleasant when he and Adil had gone shopping for things for their flat. It was utterly domestic. And Toby felt the feeling of happiness multiply every time they did something new. The first time they slept in _their_ bed. The first time they cooked together (although Toby didn’t know if it could be classified as ‘together’ when all he did was chop vegetables and stir things.) They had only been living there for four days but it already felt like home. But maybe that was more to do with the company rather than the flat itself.

What Toby hadn’t anticipated was the arguing. He and Freddie had fought quite a lot when they were younger, but they were older and wiser now and Toby had thought that being adults would mean that they wouldn’t revert back to their petty ways. He had been wrong.

“I want to watch my programme,” Toby snapped, finally grabbing the remote from his brother’s hands.

“Aha!” he celebrated, but a second later Freddie’s hand was swiping at his and the remote crashed to the floor.

Toby and Freddie both leapt from their seats and scrambled to try and reach it first.

But before either of them could grapple for it Emma had swooped in and picked it from the floor.

“Boys,” she greeted, an amused smile on her face. She was used to their shenanigans.

“Hey darling. Why don’t you help us settle this debate,” Freddie started sweetly.

“That’s not fair! She’s your future wife, she’ll be biased!” Toby protested, shooting Freddie an enraged look.

“Why don’t we settle this like adults yeah?” Emma said as he gestured for them both to take a seat. She sounded rather serious but Toby could tell she was holding in her laughs.

He and Freddie sat down on the sofa, identical pouts on their faces and hands crossed across their chests, irritated looks being thrown to each other.

And that was the point that Adil entered through the front door. He didn’t notice at first, just chatted away as he pottered over to the kitchen cupboards.

“Hey guys! So Toby I know that you said you wanted to cook tonight, and I don’t know what you had planned but they had some great deals on at the farmers market so I bought a bunch of stuff and maybe you could incorporate it into your meal or…” he stopped as he turned around and took in the view.

“What’s going on here?” he asked, his voice sounding like a scolding school teacher.

“It’s Freddie! He’s hogging the TV!” Toby yelled as Adil came round to stand beside Emma. Adil couldn’t help but be reminded of his little brother and sister, and that thought made him chuckle.

“Don’t laugh at me Adil, you’re meant to be on my side!” Toby protested. Adil quickly rolled his eyes at Emma (careful to make sure Toby wouldn’t see) before approaching Toby and kneeling down to whisper something in his ear.

Freddie and Emma couldn’t hear what was said, but once he had stopped talking Toby jumped up and grabbed Adil’s hand, pulling him towards the bedroom.

“It’s okay, changed my mind. Don’t need the TV anymore. Better things to do,” he rushed out, the door slamming behind the two of them.

Adil knew that not every argument between the brothers could be solved with this distraction technique. But right now, with Toby kissing him intensely and his hands making quick work of removing his clothes, he didn’t much care.

 

_November_

The day of the wedding came, no rain but a chill to the air and frost blanketing the ground. Freddie was bouncing on his toes, his hands coming up to fiddle with his bow tie every few minutes and humming a tune under his breath.

“Are you nervous?” Toby asked, looking up from where he sitting tying his shoelaces.

“No way!” Freddie replied with a snort. “I am elated! Euphoric! Exhilarated! Today I’m promising to spend the rest of my life with the woman I love, what is there to be nervous about?”

Toby laughed at his brother’s excitable antics, but he didn’t know how to answer the question. He knew that sometimes people got nervous at their weddings, but Toby’s feelings were close to Freddie’s. Why would you be nervous about marrying the love of your life? Toby thought that if you had found the right person there was nothing nerve-racking at all about promising forever. 

“I can’t wait to see her in the dress. She’s going to be breath-taking,” Toby said, finishing with his shoes and standing up, brushing his trousers a few times to try and look more presentable.

“She could come down that aisle wearing her old pyjamas and that woollen jumper which is unravelling and falling apart and I would still think she was the most beautiful person in the world,” Freddie replied, and Toby had no doubts that was true. It had been a privilege to watch their relationship develop, to see them fall more and more in love every day. Toby felt such happiness in the thought of his brother finding someone like that, someone that brought joy and light into his life. He used to envy it. He thought he would never have what his brother had. But then Adil came along and his world changed.

A knock on the door snapped the two brothers out of their thoughts, and Toby was disappointed to see Richard, Emma’s father, standing on the other side.

“Toby, may I have a word with your brother?” He asked politely as he stepped into the room.

“Of course,” Toby answered, shooting Freddie a big smile as he hurried out the room. He wanted to find Adil. They had been separated almost as soon as they had arrived – Adil being whisked away to look at something to do with catering and Toby being pulled towards the room Freddie was staying in.

It had taken them a while to decide to have the wedding in the hotel. Toby’s mother had pleaded for a church wedding, with the reception only at the hotel. But Freddie and Emma were keen on the idea of getting married here – a place where they spent lots of time when they were younger, a place that had seen leaps in their relationship, a place that meant something to both of them. And Toby knew his mother wasn’t ecstatic about it, but she relented. Because she was a bigger person now, and she was able to sacrifice what she wanted for the happiness of her children. Toby only hoped that would be a trait that would continue.  

He found Adil where he had expected him to be – the restaurant where the reception was being held. Although he now worked as a chef at the restaurant he had been dismissed from duties for the day so he could enjoy the celebration. But Toby knew he would be there checking on things. The waiters and waitresses were already setting out appetizers on large tables, even though the ceremony hadn’t even started. Adil was anxiously walking along them, stopping every so often to stare harshly at one piece or another that obviously wasn’t up to his standard.

Toby walked up to him and wrapped an arm around his waist, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. Adil jumped at the contact, having been so engrossed in his judging that he hadn’t heard Toby coming.

“Stop! Everything is fine,” Toby said, running a hand smoothly up and down his lower back.

“It’s not perfect. It should be perfect. I mean look at this!” Adil said in a frenzied voice. Toby glanced down at the food, but to him it didn’t look like anything was wrong.

“It does look perfect Adil. You’re just being overly critical and picking up on tiny things that no one else would notice. Believe me, it’s all fine.”

Toby felt some of the tension fade from Adil’s body as he sighed and took a step away from the table.

“You’re right,” he grumbled, not sounding happy about it.

“I’m always right,” Toby chuckled, earning himself a snort and smack on the arm.

“Hey!” he exclaimed indignantly, reaching out to grab Adil as he tried to escape, laughing loudly.

He spun Adil around but instead of scolding him more he let Adil pull him into a kiss. Toby wasted no time in snaking his arms around Adil and pulling him closer, pressing them together. Adil threaded his fingers through Toby’s hair and pushed him back until he collided with a wall. The kiss deepened and Toby let out a breathy moan.

A cough interrupted them and Adil jumped back, a blush starting to grace his cheeks.

“Shouldn’t you boys be getting ready for the ceremony?” the man asked. Toby didn’t know who it was but from the air of embarrassment that was emitting from Adil he assumed that it was someone that he worked with.

“Yes. Let’s… Come on Toby,” Adil stuttered, grabbing Toby’s hand and making a hasty exit. They were about two steps from the door when a voice called out.

“See you on Monday Adil,” the man chuckled good-naturedly.

Adil hurried through the hallways of the hotel and didn’t stop until they were outside the ballroom where the wedding would be taking place. People were gradually heading in and Adil recognised many family faces among the crowd of people.

“Who was that?” Toby asked Adil, who was still red in the face and breathing slightly heavier than usual from the speed walking away.

“That was Robert!” Adil said in a flustered voice. Understanding dawned upon Toby.

“Ohhhh,” he replied, reaching out to pat Adil on the shoulder. He tried to hold in his laughter, he really did. But he let a snort escape. And he couldn’t help the rest.

“Stop laughing! It’s not funny!” Adil hissed at him, but Toby could sense the fondness and amusement leaking into his voice.

Robert was the head chef. He was the one who was helping to train Adil as well as being one of his bosses.

“Well. At least it wasn’t Richard,” Toby consoled him. He didn’t think he would’ve been as accepting of a little work place rendezvous.

Adil didn’t look particularly comforted by that.

“How am I ever going to work with him again,” Adil moaned as Toby began to herd him into the room.

“We were only kissing. It’s not like we were dry humping each other on the tables next to food,” Toby snorted.

“Now that’s an image.”

Both boys spun around quickly to look at who had overheard and were relieved to just see Chloe, one of Toby and Freddie’s cousins.

Adil snorted. Which set Toby off. And soon enough all three were laughing whole heartedly.

They stayed and chatted with her for a while, until an announcement was made to take your seats.

“I love weddings!” Chloe exclaimed as she clapped her hands together excitedly. “Who knows, the next one I come to might be yours! See you around.”

And with that she was off. Toby let out a little splutter as he looked at Adil who was looking back at him with a shy smile and look of adoration on his face. Perhaps that, and the fact that he was already over emotional and that he was at his twin brother’s wedding gave him the courage to say what he did next.

“Maybe she’s right.”

He quickly hurried away after, making his way to the front of the room where Freddie had just arrived. He took a quick glance back over his shoulder and saw Adil standing with a blinding smile on his face before he was ushered to take a seat by one of the staff.

Toby took his position beside his brother and watched with tears in his eyes as the ceremony began. Emma looked beautiful in her dress, and Toby didn’t think he had ever seen the two of them so happy and in love – and that was certainly saying something.

He passed over the rings without dropping them – the thing he had been worried about most – and then stood back and clapped as they kissed and were pronounced man and wife.

There were happy smiles and cheers all round, and as Toby made eye contact with Adil he knew they were picturing the exact same thing.

 

_April_

“Calm down,” Toby soothed.

“I can’t I’m freaking out here,” Freddie replied as he paced back and forward, the apprehension he was feeling extremely evident.

“This is a great thing,” Toby tried next, trying anything he could to calm his brother down.

“I don’t know how to be a dad!” Freddie screamed, placing his head into his hands and slumping down onto the floor. Toby quickly hurried over and sat down beside him, pulling him into a hug. So that’s what his meltdown was about.

Freddie had come hurrying into his room early that morning, the panic coming off of him in waves. Toby had immediately been worried until Freddie told him that Emma was pregnant. It was great news. A Hamilton baby. He had smiled and congratulated him but Freddie had only kept freaking out. She had told him last night and he had smiled and celebrated with her but when it came to sleeping he found he was unable, and he just let his fears and doubts multiply and take over his mind.  

“You’re not going to be like him,” Toby reassured, pulling out of the hug and looking straight into Freddie’s eyes so he could see how serious he was.

“But just say that…”

“No Fred. Please. Our father was a bad person, deep into his soul. But you are so good. You love your family – me, mother, Emma… You are going to love this baby with your whole heart I know you are.”

“I’m not that good,” Freddie scoffed, moving away from Toby and resting his head back against the wall, closing his eyes.

“You are,” Toby stressed, not knowing what else he could say to comfort him.

“I have the same fears you know,” Toby whispered after a second, as if speaking the sentence louder would make it worse.

“Toby, you and Adil are going to be the best dads ever honestly, it’s going to be sickenly cute,” Freddie replied, and Toby couldn’t help but let out a small smile despite the situation.

“See? We’re both going to be great parents. Not perfect – I doubt any parent is perfect, especially with their first child. But honestly, I think the fact that we are worried about it at all shows just how different we are to him.”

Freddie let out a sigh.

“I guess…”

“Come on Freddie! You have almost nine months to prepare, you don’t need to worry about anything just now! You can read all the parenting books you want and find out how to be a good dad, but honestly I think you have all you need right there,” Toby said, pressing his finger on Freddie’s heart.

Freddie let out a small smile at that.

“A baby!” he shouted, but this time he sounded excited, exactly what he should be. “We’re going to have a baby!”

The panic had been replaced with a wholesome exhilaration and he pulled Toby into another tight hug.

“Now where’s Emma? I need to congratulate her too!” Toby asked, and he let out a small bout of laughter at the eagerness Freddie displayed as he leapt up and pulled Toby through to the other room. His mood had changed completely, and Toby was glad he could now feel the excitement and joy instead of the worry. It was infectious, and soon he, Emma and Freddie were all gathered in a group hug, tears of happiness flowing from them all.

Emma told Adil as soon as he walked through the door about an hour later. There were more hugs and more tears and so much happiness.

“You’re going to be an uncle Toby!” Adil exclaimed delightedly, grabbing onto his shoulders and holding tight.

“We’re going to be uncles,” Toby replied, and he watched as the smile got wider and wider on Adil’s face. He looked genuinely thrilled.

“You guys are definitely going to be the cool uncles,” Emma admitted.

“Well considering you are an only child we don’t really have much competition,” Toby joked, earning laughs from everyone.

This child was going to be born to parents who were going to love it with everything they had. Toby knew Freddie and Emma would give it a happy life, and he was going to do everything he could to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might have a lot of mistakes in it cause I only reread it once but I wanted to get something up!  
> This is really just a filler chapter that allowed me to make some time jumps to progress the story but I hope you liked it anyway!  
> Not sure when the next chapter will be up as I have just started a new job and am beginning a new year at uni on Monday. I'm hoping it wont be too long, I'm going to try and get this finished before all my work piles up as the semester progresses but I do apologise if there are a few long waits! 
> 
> As always thank you for reading, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! :)


	17. Chapter 17

"Are you sure you're okay to leave her with us?" Toby queried, looking down into the cot where his niece lay peacefully sleeping.

"Yes Toby, you'll be fine! More than fine even," Emma reassured him, putting a comforting hand on his arm.

Today was the first day that Adil and Toby would be left alone to look after Rose. Normally either Freddie or Emma was around with them but today Freddie was at work and Emma was having a bit of a break from her mothering duties to go to one of her friend's hen party. She definitely deserved it.

"I'm only going to be gone a few hours but if you need anything, which you won't, just give Freddie or my dad a call."

"You'd be surprised what can go wrong in a couple of hours," Toby replied and even though it was said in a joking manner, Adil could sense the genuine fear behind his words. He looked really anxious, and Adil knew that he was genuinely worried about taking care of Rose without his brother or Emma there. It was an unwarranted fear – Toby was always amazing with her, and Emma and Freddie would not have felt comfortable leaving her if they didn’t think that they could handle it. Emma’s dad was totally in love with his grandchild, and took any opportunity to babysit or to visit and see her. Adil knew that he would have taken her, but the fact that Freddie and Emma were entrusting them showed that they had complete confidence in their abilities.

"Don't worry," Adil told his boyfriend looking him straight in the eyes to convey his faith in him, reaching down and giving his hand a squeeze. For Toby that was easier said than done. But Adil knew that once Emma was gone he'd settle down and get used to it.

"We'll see you later Emma, have a lovely day!" Adil bid her goodbye, and after fussing over Rose for a minute she managed to grab her stuff and pull herself away from her baby.

Then it was just Toby, Adil and Rose in the flat. She was nearing two months old now, having been a winter baby born early December, completely healthy with no complications. Rose looked just like her parents, with Freddie's brown eyes and already showing signs of tufts of blonde hair like her mother. She really was a beautiful baby.

Toby only lasted a few minutes sitting on the sofa before he scrambled up and walked over to the side of the room where Rose was lying in her small rocking cot.

Adil smiled as he watched Toby lean over his niece, reaching a hand out but pulling it back before he touched her – probably scared of waking her.

"She's so cute when she's sleeping," Toby mused, staring down at Rose with the familiar smile adorning his face which always appeared when he was looking at her.

"She sure is. Not so much when she's screaming her head off though," Adil joked, making his way over to Toby and wrapping his arms around him from behind. He was at the perfect height to rest his head on Toby's shoulder, peering over to also watch their niece.

"You know, even then I don't mind that much. It's not her fault, she has no other way to communicate with us yet."

This made Adil grin to himself, and he was glad that Toby wasn't in a position to see it. Sometimes, Toby came out with things like that - things which were so genuinely nice and kind and thoughtful - that made Adil's heart soar.

"We're going to be alright. Nothing's going to happen that we haven't dealt with before," Adil told him, wanting to make sure that Toby wasn't mentally and silently suffering with his thoughts of not being good enough. Toby sighed, turning round to face his boyfriend.

"I know, I've just never been this responsible for anyone before. It's a lot of pressure."

Adil knew what Toby was thinking without him having to utter a word. He was viewing this as some sort of test, a practice for when the two of them hopefully had a child of their own. When he was going to be the one completely in charge of another human's life.

"And you will handle it. Because you are a wonderful uncle, and one day you're going to make an even more wonderful dad."

Toby's mouth moved as if he was trying to form his reply, but after a moment of silence he decided words were obviously too overrated and chose instead to capture Adil's lips with his in a short, sweet kiss. After they pulled away he rested his forehead on Adil's.

"I love you so much," he told him sincerely.

"I love you too." Adil replied.

It didn't take long before Rose woke up from her nap, hungry and eager for attention that the men were only too happy to give. As Toby stood happily in the kitchen with Rose in his arms, currently feeding from the bottle Adil had prepared for her, Adil couldn't help but marvel at how far Toby had come in the past few months.

He remembered how, just after the birth, Toby was too scared to even hold her.

"I've never held a baby before, I wouldn't know how. What if I hurt her?" He had confessed to Adil as they sat in the waiting room before being allowed in to see Emma, Freddie and Rose. Adil’s hand was being gripped tightly by Toby’s whose knee was bouncing up and down in anxiety. Adil didn’t know what to say to convince Toby of what he knew to be true – that Toby would love this baby, and that he would never do anything to hurt her.

Adil had grown up in a big family. He had always been surrounded by siblings and cousins, both younger and older, and had looked after more of his family's babies than he could count. But Toby had never had that. It had always been just him and Freddie, but at least they had each other. Adil often wondered how the Hamilton family survived without the support and company of others.

They fell in love with Rose at the first glance – which Adil knew they would. She was bundled up in a blanket with a pattern of stars on it, and a small, light blue knitted hat on her head. Freddie was holding her as he sat on a chair beside Emma’s bed. Emma looked exhausted but was radiating happiness, she couldn’t take her eyes off of her daughter. And Adil couldn’t blame her.

“Ohhh,” Toby exclaimed as they crossed the room. “She’s so little!”

Freddie just smiled at his brother as he stood up.

“Here,” he said, making as if to place Rose in his arms. But Toby backed away slightly and ended up stumbling over Adil’s feet.

“No… I can’t,” he protested, and Adil placed a comforting hand on his back, trying to steady him.

Adil could sense that he was too nervous, so he stepped forward and, making sure that Toby was watching to see how it was done, took Rose from Freddie. He would never get tired of holding a baby – there was nothing like it.  He smiled at her and just took in the marvel that was a new life. Her tiny eyelashes and button nose and little hands. She was sleeping, but Adil cooed at her anyway, and his heart felt full knowing how loved this little girl was going to be.

He turned to Toby, and with an encouraging smile he placed Rose into his arms. To begin with he looked absolutely terrified, and took a moment to get her comfortable. But once she had settled, and didn’t start crying, Toby’s features were overcome by a pure joy. Adil watched as she stirred in his arms, her eyes fluttering open.

“Hello Rose,” Toby whispered, reaching out a hand to fix her hat that had slipped slightly. As soon as his hand got close enough Rose’s fingers were up and wrapped around one of his.

Adil had been so focused on Rose that he was surprised when he looked up at Toby and saw tears swimming in his eyes.

“Look how tiny her fingers are!” he exclaimed with a laugh, all sense of the anxiety gone.

 After that first day Toby slowly but surely became more confident in himself and began doing more and more to help look after her.

"Do you remember how tiny she was when she was born?" Toby asked as Rose let out a soft gurgle. He was bouncing her up and down softly as she finished the bottle, smiling fondly down at her in his arms.

"I do. She was a very small baby," Adil commented.

"Not as small as me and Freddie. We were premature so we were only about 5 pounds each."

"Wow. You've never told me that before," Adil remarked.

"There's a lot of things you've yet to find out about me," Toby teased, handing Rose over to Adil so he could go and wash the now empty bottle out.

Freddie had told them that he'd never felt as much love before as he did looking at Rose for the first time. It was something that Adil had heard many times but had never really understood. But now he felt like he almost did. Even though Rose wasn't his, he had been there for every moment in her short life so far and he felt proud like a parent would. He could only imagine what it would feel like when the child was actually his.

Adil knew what they both wanted. Especially since Rose had been born he knew that the feelings had intensified, at least for him, and he regularly saw the look of longing of Toby’s face.

They were still young, they'd have plenty of time to think about children in a couple of years. They had only just decided that they were going to look for a place of their own. No matter how much they loved Freddie, Emma and Rose they knew that the new parents would want their own space, and Rose wouldn’t be sleeping in their room forever. And besides, sometimes the screaming did get to Adil a bit, even though he would never admit it to any of the others.

A home that was theirs and only theirs sounded perfect.

\--- --- ---- --- ---

Adil was lying on the couch, Toby pressed into him from above. They were kissing slowly, and Toby’s hands were exploring. One second they were tangled in Adil’s hair, then they were running down his arms, over his stomach.

They separated and Toby pressed his forehead against Adil’s sighing happily.

“I can’t believe we’ve finally got our own place! No more interruptions. No more waking up to a screaming baby at three in the morning! We’re going to get so much sleep!”

Adil snorted.

“Oh yeah Toby,” he said placing a small kiss on his lips. “So… much… sleep...” he teased, kissing him between each word, each time getting longer and deeper. 

Toby just laughed and wrapped his hands in Adil’s hair again, pulling him forward and kissing him roughly. His hands wandered underneath Adil’s shirt and he moaned into Adil’s mouth as he shifted upwards from below him, pushing their hips closer together. He let his head fall back as Adil moved to grab Toby’s hips, letting out a string of curse words as Adil’s mouth moved to his neck. No matter how long they had been a couple Toby still felt the feeling of total bliss whenever they were together. And the fact that Adil knew exactly what to do to have him squirming and moaning made everything even better. Things escalated quickly, and they were both so wrapped up in each other that neither of them heard the door open, or Freddie’s shout of hello. So when he stepped in the room moments later he was met with a sight that he definitely had never wanted to see.

“Ahhh!” Freddie screamed, and if he had not been holding his baby daughter he would have slapped his hands over his eyes.

“Freddie!” Toby exclaimed in surprise, quickly removing himself from on top of Adil as the other boy shuffled to sit up on the sofa.

“I’m scarred!” Freddie exclaimed dramatically, making an effort not to look directly at his brother. Instead he looked down at his daughter.

“Daddy is never going to be able to forget this princess. No he is not. This is going to haunt him forever. You better be thankful that you were not looking that way…” he cooed.

At this Toby let out a snort.

“You’re overreacting. And she’s a baby Fred. She wouldn’t have remembered.”

“She might! You don’t know. That could’ve ended up being her first real memory of you guys!”

“Well, could have been worse. At least we both still had our clothes on.”

“Oh God. So true,” Freddie replied, turning to look at Adil.

“Thank you, for managing to refrain from undressing my brother before I got here.”

“Umm, you’re welcome?” Adil replied unsurely. No matter how much time he spent with Freddie there were still moments when he wasn’t sure what to say to him.

“What are you even doing here? We literally moved in about three hours ago. I thought we didn’t need to worry about you barging in anymore!” Toby exclaimed, standing up from the sofa and heading over to his brother.

“You said you’d watch Rose for a few hours, remember? Just until Em is done with her meeting,” Freddie replied, giving Toby a knowing look. One that said ‘you totally forgot, didn’t you?’

“Oh that was today,” Toby said, unable to keep the disappointment out of this voice.

“Toby!” Adil immediately scolded, jumping up and wandering over. As much as he wanted to continue what they had started he knew they would have plenty of time for that later.

“Of course. It’s no problem, we’ll take her anytime!” he told Freddie, who shot him a grateful smile.

“Adil, don’t say that! Now they’re going to be turning up here at all hours and dumping her on us when they’ve had enough! That sleep I was talking about? We’ll get none of it!” Toby pouted.

“Rosie don’t listen to your mean Uncle Toby! Me and mummy would never dump you!” Freddie said, feigning hurt.

“Oh come on Fred, you know I didn’t mean it like that,” Toby replied with a roll of his eyes.

Freddie sent a glare Toby’s way, although they all knew he didn’t mean it. Adil snorted at the brothers antics as he reached out to take Rose from Freddie.

“Here, nice Uncle Addy will take you. He loves you too, he does,” Freddie cooed as he handed her over.

“Hello there princess!” Adil murmured happily, Rose letting out an adorable giggle as he spun her round before holding her close to his chest. He said goodbye to Freddie and wandered back to the sofa. Toby saw Adil beam at the giggle Rose let out as he bounced her on her knee.

“Adorable,” Freddie whispered.

“Yeah,” Toby agreed, although he knew they were both talking about different people. Suddenly he felt himself get choked up, and a wave of emotions flow over him.

“Freddie,” he whispered quietly, “I want to marry him.”

“Yeah, I know,” Freddie said with a laugh, knowing that there had been no other option for the way Toby’s life would go, not for a long time. But as he turned to look at his brother he saw the look of trepidation on his face. How it came as a shock to Toby he would never understand – they practically acted like they were married already. And Freddie knew they had discussed it.

“I want to have a family with him,” Toby said next, a sense of wonder to his voice.

“Well I’d be surprised if you didn’t,” Freddie replied, before he sighed, placing a hand on his brother’s shoulder, steering him into the kitchen.

“Don’t freak out Toby! We all knew you guys would end up together. It not as if it’s unexpected. You just have to ask him,” he comforted, knowing just how wound up Toby could get over unnecessary things.

“What if he says no?” Toby questioned. Freddie really didn’t understand how that thought would ever even cross his mind.

“He won’t say no. That man loves you as much as you love him. It’s sickening sometimes.”

“You think?” Toby said with a smile, as if he only had to hear the words to be able to believe them.

“I know. Now get that soppy grin off your face and go and help him take care of your niece. Everything’s in the bag, I left it on the kitchen table. Emma will be by in a few hours to collect her okay?”

“Okay,” Toby agreed, the silly smile still plastered on his face. Freddie chuckled fondly at him, knowing exactly what was going through his head. He had felt the exact same when he had decided to propose to Emma.

“Bye Fred,” Toby said as he ushered him towards the door, the prospect of being alone with Adil and Rose suddenly much more enticing now that he had something to plan.  

“No sex when the baby is in the flat okay?” Freddie shouted from the hall as he made his way out.

“I mean it Toby! Control yourself for once.”

Toby just laughed and sank down onto the sofa beside his boyfriend, and he knew the soppy smile had returned to his face. Watching Adil with Rose made him so happy, it felt like the love he had would just burst from his chest.

He was going to ask him. He just needed to think of the perfect way.

He wanted this. He wanted a family, a child that was his and Adil’s. He wanted a wedding and rings and the chance to say I do. He wanted it all.


	18. Chapter 18

As Toby walked through the airport he felt the ring burning a hole in his bag. Not literally, but he felt as if it was weighing it down, pushing and pushing and pushing on his shoulders.  

It had been months since he had first started to think – properly think – about proposing. And yet he couldn’t find any idea that was good enough. Adil deserved for it to be perfect, and what he kept coming up with was not perfect.

He hadn’t even picked up a ring until a few days ago. He hadn’t wanted to chance Adil finding it by accident, wouldn’t have known how to explain it away. But being away in New York for a business trip, that was the perfect time to get one. No having to explain where he was or what he was hiding. He knew Adil would have been able to tell that something was up. Toby had never been good at hiding his feelings from him.

Toby had gone to Freddie for advice about proposing, since he had been through the planning himself. But he had not been helpful. His advice was just to ambush Adil with the question one night when he was cooking or had just come in from work. Toby had shot that down immediately. He wanted something special, he wanted something… more.

His mother had been able to tell that he was stressing about something, but when he told her what his troubles were she just got excited about having another wedding to plan, and was happy to give advice on what they should do for the ceremony, but she didn’t offer any guidance on how to actually ask Adil to marry him.

Emma was a lot more helpful, and had plenty of ideas that Toby tossed about. But none of them had been right. Not for him. Baking the ring into the middle of a cake would’ve worked for Adil, but Toby knew he would’ve only messed it up. Proposing at the place they met would have been romantic, the only problem was Toby didn’t know when they would next be back in Oxford, as they had no plans for visiting in the near future. She had suggested singing which Toby just scoffed at – he was not a performer. It would’ve been more corny than charming.

He had a publishing job – he read pages and pages every day, he was good with words. Usually. But now he just couldn’t think of a way to ask the question. These were perhaps going to be the most important words he would ever come up with.

Toby sighed and shook away the thoughts and negativity, and focused on the fact that in a few minutes he would be seeing Adil. He had been in New York for two weeks which was the longest they had been away from each other for a long time. And as he passed through the passport control queue and began walking down the corridor to the arrivals hall he found the excitement start to build up in him. They had messaged every day, video chatted as often as they could despite the time difference, but it just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same as having Adil there, in his arms.

He walked through the door to the arrivals hall and scanned his eyes quickly over the crowd. Where was he? He started to panic, thinking that maybe Adil had been held up or hadn’t come. But that thought quickly flew out of his mind when he spotted him - standing looking like an angel, a bouquet of colourful flowers clutched in his hands. Toby couldn’t have stopped the beam that appeared on his face or the happiness that bloomed in his chest or the way his heart still started to race, not even if he wanted to. How did he end up so lucky? How had he managed to be blessed with such a man? They had come so far since the beginning of their relationship – since that fateful night when Toby had first kissed him. They had both grown so much and changed individually into better people, but Toby knew he was only who he was today because of Adil, because of his influence and his love.

Toby didn’t like to think about how his life would have turned out if they had never become a couple, if they had never fallen in love and built a life together. What sort of life would he have been living? What kind of person would he have become? He wasn’t sure, but he knew one thing. He would not have been happy.

Toby knew that a lot of the confidence and determination he felt now was do with Adil and his words of encouragement and the way he would listen and give advice and just be there for him. Toby had been lonely, so so lonely, before Adil. And thinking of a life after – knowing now what it felt like to be loved and wanted and cherished… he wouldn’t be able to cope.

And that’s why he wanted to get married. He knew that they had already promised each other the rest of lives, and Adil’s word was more than binding enough for Toby. But he wanted to be able to call Adil his husband. He wanted to be able to show the world how much they loved each other. And he wanted to give Adil all that he could ever desire.

Not so long ago these thoughts would have terrified Toby, and his insecurities would have crawled their way to the forefront of his mind and sucked out any joy. But not anymore. Sure, he still felt insecure every once in a while, but he knew that what Adil deserved was someone who loved him, heart and soul and body. Who would do anything to bring a smile to his face. Someone who would sacrifice everything again and again and again if it meant getting to save him. And Toby was that person. Toby loved Adil. He loved him more than anything else in the entire world, he knew that he had never felt love like this before and never would again. Adil was it for him. Their lives had started off as two rough paths weaving through a darkened forest, and where the paths had crossed the trees had started to become less dense and allowed the light to shine in until now they were in a clearing with it gleaming down on them.

Toby felt tears start to well up in his eyes as he thought of how grateful and thankful he was to have Adil. Who knew a bunch of flowers could have caused him to feel so much?

He noticed the moment Adil spotted him, his face lighting up and an excited “Toby, over here!” being called out as he waved his arm in the air. As if Toby could miss him. He would always pick out Adil in a crowded room, would always wish to seek him out.  And at that moment Toby decided he was going to do it. He was going to do it now.

Toby had spent so long trying to plan how to do this. He had tossed and turned night after night throwing away idea after idea because they weren’t perfect. This had certainly not been a thought until now. But he was tired of stressing over something that didn’t need to be stressed over. He knew that however he did it, whatever he said, that Adil would say yes.

He lifted up his hand in greeting and used the other to grab onto his suitcase, pulling it over to where Adil was standing. He stopped right in front of Adil and parked his suitcase beside him, reaching out both of his hands to cup Adil’s face. He was close enough to see the crinkles in the corner of his eyes as he smiled, the tiny specks of green in his brown eyes. He could almost feel the breath on his skin. And before Adil could open his mouth to say anything else Toby blurted it out.

“Marry me?” he asked almost breathlessly.

“What?” Adil replied, his mouth opening slightly but a complete sense of wonder to his voice, not shock.

 “Oh God, it wasn’t meant to go like this. I had words I wanted to say…” Toby groaned, reaching a hand up to run through his hair, pushing away the bits that had fallen in his face.

He looked at Adil, who was just smiling fondly, his eyes lit up with admiration and love.

“Toby…” he started, but he was cut off.

“Shush,” Toby ordered, placing a finger over Adil’s lips, immediately silencing him. Toby supressed a shiver as he felt Adil breathe out harshly, the breath ghosting over his finger.

He pulled his hand away and grabbed Adil’s free hand in his own, starting to play with his fingers the way he always did, simply because it comforted him. He took a quick glance at the array of flowers he held in his other hand, the flowers that were to blame for his impulsiveness. He held his own fingers steady over Adil’s ring finger, the same way he had done so long ago when they had found out that Freddie and Emma were engaged. This time it was different though. Toby took a deep breath, composing himself, before looking up from their intertwined hands to stare into Adil’s eyes.

“I can’t believe it’s true sometimes, that you are mine. I am truly blessed because I get to love you, and it’s the best thing that I’ll ever do. One look at you and my whole life falls in line. Everything I lack and could never be, the other half is you - it’s always been you. The way you love, it changed who I am - I am a better person now because of you. I don’t want to know what it’s like to live without you, or who we are without each other. They say love is a journey, and I promise that I’ll never leave. Whatever may come your heart I will chose, forever I’m yours. So… Adil Joshi, will you let me love you for the rest of your life? Will you marry me?”

Adil was looking at him with his mouth curled into a grin, his eyes glistening with both tears and happiness.

“Yes. Oh Toby yes. Yes!” he exclaimed with a delighted laugh.

Toby cupped Adil’s face in his hand and pulled him into a sweet kiss. He felt Adil’s arms wrap around his shoulders, although he did it carefully as to not destroy the flowers. The kiss was harsh yet gentle at the same time. It was unyielding with a fiery passion but at the same time filled with tenderness and a simple yearning. It was a kiss full of promise.

They pulled back, sending each other identical blinding smiles filled with elation.

“Hello, fiancée,” Adil whispered, resting his forehead against Toby’s, looking him straight in the eye.

Fiancée. Toby liked that word. He liked it a lot.

Adil’s breath ghosted over his lips as if he was away to move in for another kiss, and normally Toby would not object but he realised he had left out one of the most important, scratch that, _the_ most important part of any proposal.

“The ring!” he exclaimed, instantly flinging his backpack off his shoulders and onto the ground, dropping down onto the floor beside it. As he rummaged through the contents of his bag he heard Adil chuckle.

“You have a ring? I thought you were just being spontaneous,” he laughed, and Toby looked up at him with a gasp, feigning hurt.

“No! I’ve been planning for months!” he declared, and he knew Adil would be able to hear the truth underneath the joking demeanour.

“This is what you planned?” he asked, as Toby finally found the small box buried deep at the bottom underneath bags of sweets and magazines and his blanket.

“No. I’d been thinking about how to do it, about the perfect way... but I just couldn’t think of anything good enough,” he muttered, feeling slightly embarrassed by it all.

“Toby, anything would have been perfect. You could have proposed to me in the middle of the flat with those awful bird patterned pyjamas you love so much and it still would have been.”

Toby smiled up at him, uninhibited and uncaring, not noticing that other people had started to look at him as he manoeuvred himself onto one knee, flipping the box open and pulling out the ring.

And this time it was Adil who cut him off before he could say anything.

“You, Toby Hamilton, are all I could have wished for in this life. Of course I will marry you,” he said, his voice leaking with affection and emotion. Toby himself let out some kind of mangled sob as he stood up, grabbing Adil’s hand and sliding the ring smoothly over his finger.

Adil smiled at him, the kind of smile that was brighter than a thousand suns. And they kissed again to the sound of applause and wolf whistles and cheers. And as they kissed the emotions flooded over, and they could both taste the tears that had escaped onto their lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is super short but I am soooo busy with uni and work at the moment. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up, it could be a while, but I hope leaving you with this cuteness will make it okay!  
> I really hope you all like the chapter, it's been building for a while and I hope that after all that anticipation that it's not disappointing! 
> 
> Please do leave a comment or kudo if you like it (or let me know if you didn't - I'm always open for constructive criticism!)
> 
> As always thank you for reading!


	19. Chapter 19

**3 years later**

Toby would not stop pacing. Adil hadn't seem him this anxious in a very long time.

“Hey,” he said softly, reaching out to grab Toby’s arm the next time he was within reach. Toby halted abruptly and looked up from where he had been staring at the floor, but as soon as his feet stopped moving his hand flew to his wedding ring and he started twisting it round and round. It was a nervous tick he had picked up almost as soon as he had started wearing his engagement ring. Usually Adil found it endearing, but today it just served to make him more nervous as well.

“Breathe,” Adil ordered, pulling apart Toby’s hands and linking their fingers together. He watched as Toby's chest moved upwards before he let out a shuddering breath.

“It will be okay,” he comforted, stroking his thumb over Toby’s.

He knew why Toby was so nervous though, he was just the same. It had been such a long process – years in the making. It wasn't long after they had married that they decided to start the adoption process, because they knew how long it would take, and they knew that they wanted a family. It had been something they had discussed many times and they knew they wouldn't change their mind. So why wait? And here they were now, almost two years after their first meeting, and soon they were going to hold a baby who was _theirs_.

After all the beginning process of home visits, background checks and determination that they would be a suitable couple to adopt a child, it had only been a few months until they had been contacted again.

A woman had picked out their profile and wanted to meet them. They had been giddy with excitement, feeling privileged that somebody had looked at them and thought they looked good enough to give them a chance.

Rachel was young, only 18, and she had decided that she wouldn't be able to give her child the life that they deserved. It was heartbreaking, the way she explained it to them, the way she held back tears as she talked about giving up her child.

But she had liked them, and after a few more meetings had decided that yes, she would like them to be the ones to care for her baby. Adil had managed to hold on until they bade her goodbye, but as soon as she was out of the door he was in Toby’s arms and they were crying – tears of joy, tears of relief.

From then it had been a flurry of activity, setting up the nursery in their apartment. They had moved in just after their honeymoon, but it was amazing how different it felt after the room had been painted, the cot set up, and all the toys and books and clothes stacked neatly in the drawers and cupboards.

They had kept close contact with Rachel throughout her pregnancy, and she had been there to hold their hands as they cried when she told them they were going to have a son.

They had been told to be cautious, as adoptions such as this very often fell through for one reason or another. But it was hard. It was so hard to keep the hope from blooming in their chests, and the love that overtook them when they saw the ultrasounds - when they could pick out his little nose, his tiny fingers.

And here they were, after receiving a phone call from a very calm and collected Rachel saying she had gone into labour. She had told them it would probably take a while – a few hours at least – but Toby and Adil had rushed to the hospital straight away anyway. And here they sat. And waited. And in Toby's case, paced.

Because even though they were at this point – so close to the end, so close to holding their baby – they both knew the fact that they were trying to ignore. That they were trying to bury deep, deep down. But as soon as it was buried it would claw its way back to the surface and cause a fresh round of anxiety to erupt.

She could still decide she wanted to keep the baby. It wasn't common, but it wasn't unheard of either. Sometimes the mothers would hold the baby, take one look into their eyes and fall in love. And that would be it. Even though they had gone through months of planning for the entry of a child into their home, into their lives, if Rachel decided she wanted to keep the baby there would be nothing they could do.

Adil still only thought of him as ‘the baby’, even now. He couldn't bring himself to think of him with the name he and Toby had spent hours and hours and hours deliberating over. Not until he knew that he was definitely going to be his son. His and Toby’s child.

Adil pulled Toby down gently onto the chair beside him. They weren't comfy, but Adil took what he could. They had decided immediately that they didn't want to be in the room for the birth, so they were set up in the waiting room of the maternity ward. There were a few other people present, but none of them were paying any attention to the two young men in the corner.

“What if something goes wrong during the birth?” Toby whispered, the apprehension and anxiety evident in his voice. Adil knew that the question was hiding more under the surface. Adil's heart broke a little as he moved his arm around Toby's shoulder, pulling him close and placing a quick kiss onto Toby’s head. He felt Toby relax into the embrace, his head falling to rest on Adil’s shoulder.

“We just have to hope it won't,” Adil replied, tightening his grip when Toby just let out a small sigh. It was an inadequate answer, Adil knew that, but he didn't know what else to say. Usually he prided himself on being able to pull Toby out of whatever hole he had managed to descend into, he always knew what his husband needed. He always knew what would make him feel better. But today he was in a state as bad as Toby was, and he knew saying that everything was going to be fine didn't necessarily mean it would be.

He had nothing to offer Toby, no words of encouragement. They would have been empty, and Toby would have been able to tell. Instead he just pulled him closer, and there they sat, curled into each other. Just waiting and breathing and waiting and breathing and trying not to worry too much. (It was a pointless endeavour Adil knew. They both would not stop worrying until they held their son in their arms, and had seen that both he and Rachel were okay.)

Adil didn’t know how much time had passed but when the door finally opened every single person in the room seemed to tense up, anticipating whether or not the nurse was here for them.

“I’m looking for Toby Hamilton and…” the man didn’t even get to finish his sentence before

Toby shot up, yanking Adil with him as their hands had been joined tightly in an almost vice like grip.

“Hello, if you would like to follow me,” he said with a smile as he motioned with his hand and turned around to walk down the corridor. Adil gave Toby’s hand a quick squeeze before they stepped out of the room and towards their new life.

The nurse, Christian, chatted away happily as he lead them to where their baby would be waiting, assuming everything had gone okay. But surely he wouldn’t be so cheerful, Adil thought, if something had happened? Before he had time to freak out further they stopped at a room. Adil had never been so terrified to walk through a door before. 

“My colleague Anna is in there helping to settle your son. Congratulations, he’s beautiful,” Christian said with a wide smile, knocking lightly on the door and pushing it open, ushering them inside. 

The first thing Adil noticed was the Rachel was not there. It was simply Anna and the baby. Adil felt a surge of panic. 

“Rachel…” he started, glancing over at Toby who had an identical look of distress on his face. 

“Don’t worry, she’s perfectly fine! Her mother is with her now and everything went well. She just… thought it would be easier not to see this. It’s normal in this kind of situation, I assure you,” Anna explain, and Adil let out a harsh breath of relief. With the panic subsided he was able to look now, really look at his baby. His son. 

Anna must have just finished dressing him as he was lying in the middle of a changing mat, wriggling around and gurgling. He was beautiful. 

“He only just stopped crying. I put him in the clothes you gave to Rachel, and I know you’re dying to hold him but before you do I just need one more thing,” Anna said as Adil and Toby quickly strode over to where he was laying. 

Adil felt tears well up in his eyes, and one glance at Toby showed him that he was feeling the same way. Overwhelming wasn’t a strong enough word for everything he was feeling in that moment. 

“What is his name?” she asked.

 Adil turned and grinned at Toby. Finally. Finally they could meet their son. 

“Theo,” Adil replied, gripping Toby’s hand even tighter in his own.

“Theo Hamilton-Joshi.”

 

\------------------

 

It was only a couple of days before they got to take Theo home. It was thrilling – Adil had never once thought about how it would feel. To walk over the threshold of _their_ home with _their_ baby strapped into his carry cot. Of course, they had had kids there before – Rose was a frequent visitor as well as Elliot, Freddie and Emma’s one-and-a-half-year-old. But this, it was so completely and utterly different. And Adil felt a lump in his throat at the fact that he was a Dad. It didn’t feel real. 

Him and Toby had a wonderful day, and even though Theo didn’t do much more than sleep and gurgle and cry he was the most interesting thing to watch. They both couldn’t keep their eyes off of him. When Adil went through to the kitchen to make up a warm bottle he found himself missing him already, even though he was only gone for a few minutes at the most. 

Adil had thought he had known what it would feel like. He had thought he would be prepared for it – the knowledge that your world had stopped turning for a moment and now revolved around someone else entirely. He thought he had felt that with Toby. And although Adil would never down play the emotion linked to his relationship, it was nothing compared to this. 

This tiny human being was his. He was theirs. His life was in their hands. His future was theirs to build and mould into something wonderful. Adil tried to think ahead ten years and imagine what the world would be like for his son growing up. He hoped it would be better than the world he had faced. 

They had set up a sleep and feeding schedule, giving Theo his bottle every three and a half hours. And they were sticking to it so well, Adil was actually impressed at himself. And well, Toby was never the best at sticking to timings so the fact they had been spot on with everything made a little bit of pride well up in Adil’s chest. 

By the time it got to half past 11 that night, and they were giving Theo his last feed before bedtime, Adil’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much. It seemed as if every second his gaze was locked upon Theo he would be smiling, and everytime he looked up to meet Toby’s eyes the smile would just get wider. 

Toby was currently sat with his legs curled up on the armchair, Theo held securely in his arms as he fed eagerly from the bottle. Adil had been worried that the same apprehension Toby had felt when he had first held Rose would have stuck with him, but it seemed to have disappeared completely. Perhaps the fact that he had now had plenty of practice with both Rose and Elliot meant he didn’t feel the anxiety that he had before. And it was great. Because Adil got to watch him like this – so comfortable, so safe in his own skin. So relaxed and happy, cradling Theo with so much love evident in his looks and his gestures.

 Adil took a moment just to marvel at how lucky he was. He felt his eyes well up and a lump start to form in his throat as the tidal wave of emotions crashed into him forcefully. 

“Hey, everything alright?” Toby’s voice broke the silence that had fallen over the room. Adil smiled and nodded, reaching up to quickly wipe away the few tears that had escaped. 

“Yeah. I’m just… you are both so beautiful. I am the luckiest man in the world,” Adil replied softly.  

“No, you’re just a sap. Come here,” Toby said with a roll of his eyes, gesturing with a jerk of his head for Adil to join them. He must have heard the longing in his voice. 

Adil perched on the arm of the chair and brought his hand up to run it through Toby’s hair, unable to stop the urge. 

“Hmm,” Toby mumbled, his head rolling back slightly and eyes closing. 

“Careful! Watch you don’t drop him,” Adil chimed, panicking for a second that because Toby no longer had his eyes locked on Theo that he would somehow lose his grip. It was irrational, and as soon the words had escaped from his mouth Adil regretted them. Although when Toby’s laughter shattered the calm and the joy permeated right through Adil, well, he found he didn’t much care anymore. Besides, he had made a fool of himself in front of Toby many, many times before. And he still managed to love him. 

“My arms aren’t going to go all weak just because you touched my hair Adil. You’re not that dreamy,” Toby snorted, smirking at him. 

Adil rolled his eyes with a smile. Theo must have been disturbed by the commotion and movement of the man holding him, because he stopped feeding and started waving his tiny arms in the air and let out what sounded to Adil like a gurgling laugh. 

“You know, we’re quite good at this,” Adil remarked, reaching down for Theo. Toby gave him up without a fuss, knowing that it was well overdue for Adil to have a turn. 

“What, being Dad’s?” Toby verified, Adil nodding in reply. 

“Yeah…” he said, a hint of wonder in his voice. “I guess we are.” 

 

 

If only Adil could still have still been feeling that a few hours later when Theo’s cries awoke them for the third time. 

It had been just after 11:45 when they had settled Theo down into his cot for the first time, which was for now placed at the end of their bed in their room. As soon as he was down they had collapsed side by side onto the bed. Contented sighs escaping from them both as they let the day just sink in. Adil turned so he was lying on his side, tucking his hands under his head as he just stared openly at his husband. Toby soon noticed and shuffled about so he was in the same position, mirroring Adil down to the goofy grin that adorned his face. 

“I love you,” Toby whispered, and although it was a statement he had uttered thousands of times before, to Adil it felt like there was something different about it this time. An extra layer somehow added. He would never tire of hearing those words escaping from Toby’s mouth. Adil had always been loved, had grown up in a loving family with doting parents and more relatives than he could count, but this was different. There was something different about being loved by somebody who had chosen him, out of all the people in the world. 

As Adil fell asleep that night he tried to remember if he had ever been happier. He concluded that he hadn’t. This right here, falling asleep in Toby’s arms as their baby dozed at the bottom of their bed, was the happiest he had been in his entire life. 

It seemed as if they had only been asleep for five minutes before the cries woke them up. Adil, who was always a light sleeper, jumped up as soon as he heard them. Whereas Toby took a minute to sit up and rub his eyes, letting out a short yawn before he joined Adil at the side of the cot. 

Adil carefully lifted Theo out and brought him to his chest, bouncing him up and down as he talked softly to him. 

“You should go back to sleep Toby, I’ll look after him this time,” Adil said, but Toby shook his head and stood firm. 

“No, I want to help,” he urged, and so when the calming movements did nothing to stop the cries Adil let him potter around and bring out the changing mat and bag. They changed him and he settled down quickly, and it wasn’t long before they were both back under the covers, the light switched off, feeling a sense of ‘Yes. We did good.’ 

That was until they were woken up again. This time it was Toby who was first up, and instead of getting out of the bed Adil just shuffled so he was sitting up against the headboard, hoping Toby would be able to settle him as quickly as they had done last time.

But, alas, that was not the case. 

He didn’t need changing. Rocking him didn’t help. Toby even tried to gauge whether he could be too hot or too cold, but it seemed that he was fine. And yet, the cries didn’t stop. 

“I think he’s hungry,” Toby mumbled as he walked back and forth, still rocking Theo up and down. 

“He’s not meant to get fed till 4:30 Toby. It’s only 2,” Adil replied, anticipating the sigh that Toby let out. 

“But can’t we just give him something? Just to calm him down?” 

“It’s important to keep to the schedule Toby. We need to create these routines,” Adil replied, but his resilience was already wavering. It was the first night. Surely one extra feed wouldn’t cause much damage to things. Besides, there was that primal need he felt upon hearing Theo’s cries. The need to do anything to stop it. And he didn’t want Theo to be hungry. 

So he agreed, albeit it slightly reluctant to part from his carefully planned out schedule, and wandered into the kitchen to make up a small bottle. 

After the feed Theo settled quickly again, and this time they got a whole hour of sleep before they were awoken once more. 

And this was repeated the whole night. So by the time the alarm for the 9am feed rang Adil had felt like he had gotten no more than about three hours sleep. 

Miraculously Toby only stirred as the alarm shrilled, and once Adil had snoozed it and forced himself out of bed he had curled back in on himself, looking like he hadn’t even woken. 

Adil decided to let him sleep while he could – there was no need for them both to be up just now anyway. 

Although Adil was exhausted nothing could dampen his good spirits as he went about the morning routine. He picked out an outfit from the myriad of clothes they had in the drawers of the nursery. He was holding Theo to his chest with one hand as he shifted through the clothes with the other. 

A lot had been passed down to them from Freddie and Emma – jumpers and trousers and shoes from when Elliot had been younger. But they had bought new things too, and Adil was not embarrassed to admit that the baby clothes shopping trip had been one of the most enjoyable things he had ever partaken in. 

“How about this?” he asked Theo, holding up a bright yellow onesie covered in ducklings. Adil new that it was way, way too early for him to have inherited anything from them yet, and that at only a few days old he could not show his emotions through his facial expressions. And yet Adil could’ve sworn he caught a glimpse of the unimpressed look that Toby occasionally threw his way, when he placed down a dish that contained onions or when he would cajole him into watching one of the cooking shows he loved but Toby never found interesting. 

Adil smiled tenderly before taking another look at the onesie. 

“No, you’re right. Yellow is an awful colour,” he remarked as he buried the article of clothing at the bottom of the pile. 

“Now this, this is more like it,” Adil grinned, picking out the clothes and socks he needed before laying Theo down and getting to work. 

Before long Theo was dressed in the navy dungarees and white and red stripy top. Adil took another look at the lion placed in the middle of the dungarees as he put the tiny socks on his tiny feet. It was extremely cute. He didn’t want to brag, but this had been one of the best things he had chosen. 

“Rawr,” he growled jokingly, reaching down to pick Theo up and once again bringing him close to his chest. 

He smiled to himself as he wandered through to the living room. It was only the second day but he already felt like he couldn’t imagine what the apartment would be like without Theo. Adil didn’t know what to do with the happiness he felt. He didn’t know what to do with all this love that was coursing through him. He felt like he could just break down into tears of joy at any moment. 

When Toby came wandering through an hour later, his hair sticking all over the place, yawning and stretching, working out the kinks in his shoulders Adil knew he would have, Adil couldn’t help but think it was unfair, really. It was unfair how even now, after all these years, Toby could still steal the breath from him just by entering a room. 

Toby had stolen much from Adil. His blue jumper. His ability to cook Rajma without thinking of their first date. His title as best Trivial Pursuit player in his family. His heart. 

But he had also gifted Adil with the most wonderful things in the world. Family, and love.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do apologise for this talking so long. I know some of you will have been expecting a wedding but that's just not where my motivation took me. I hope the cuteness in this chapter makes up for it though! 
> 
> I have no idea about how the adoption process works so I hope you will grant me some artistic license here haha. 
> 
> I can't believe we're at the penultimate chapter already. I have no idea if anyone is still reading, but if you are thank you so much. 
> 
> I'll have the last chapter up by Christmas. 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is about three years later again and they have adopted two other children. (I feel like the end of this story has been very disjointed with time jumps but hope you like the chapter anyway!)

Toby had a problem.

Ever since late October every time he walked past a shop he would end up buying something to keep for a Christmas present. It wasn't his fault.

Adil had been wary at first. Saying that they didn't need to spend that much, that Theo was only three - he wouldn't care if the shirt he got was that really expensive designer brand or not. But Toby realised he had no self control when it came to impulse buying for his kids. All three of them deserved the world, and although Toby couldn't manage that he would do what he could for them. And if that meant buying a £40 shirt that Theo would soon outgrow just because he would look _so_ cute in it, then so be it.

Adil had never celebrated Christmas much growing up. Since they all had the day off anyway his family just used it as an excuse for everyone to get together and have a big meal with all their traditional dishes, dancing and sharing stories of India. But his family had never been able to spend extortionate amounts on each other for any occasion, and although Adil still liked to give people sentimental gifts he also loved the fact that he could do this for his own children. That he could give them the life he’d always dreamed of.

He did try to reign Toby in to begin with, really. But he would just get so excited about everything and start babbling about how much Theo or Annie or Noah would love the gift, and Adil found himself smiling, picturing their little faces full of joy and surprise when they saw it. That coupled with Toby’s puppy dog eyed look was enough to soften his resolve and meant Adil rarely said no.

This year Adil was going all out. He had always been into the Christmas decorating. Toby remembered the first time they had decorated their apartment together, and how amazed Adil had been by it all. The tree had to be big and tall and straight and everything was meticulously added until it was perfect. Toby loved creating traditions with Adil, especially since he had limited Christmas experience and Toby's had really been anything but happy. They had got a set of reindeer ornaments and made sure to place one in every room of the house. They bought an advent candle and every night after dinner they would light it and as they watched it melt away to the next number would share one reason why they loved each other. They would spend hours wandering around the many Christmas markets to see who could find the tackiest Christmas decoration to add to their collection. And, by no surprise Toby’s favourite, they put mistletoe above the front door so for the good part of a month Toby had an excuse to kiss his husband senseless every time they walked through the door.

The first Christmas they spent alone together had been lovely. They had woken up mid-morning and just enjoyed being with each other with nowhere to be and nothing to rush for. Around noon they got up and exchanged gifts before starting on the Christmas dinner and afterwards when they were fit to bursting they sat and watched a Christmas film together. Every year had been slightly different since they met, and now with the kids they would be hard pressed to be able to sleep in until seven, but Toby wouldn’t change the way his life was for anything.

Adil had decided that this year they would buy a new tree. A real tree. He had bundled the kids up into their cosy winter jackets, wrapped their scarves around their necks and placed their woollen hats on their heads. And off they went. It had taken them a while to pick the right one, Noah and Annie were in a place just now where they could never seem to agree on anything. But eventually one was chosen that suited everyone. 

Adil had never felt so content as the day they had decorated that tree. They had put on Christmas music and danced around as they placed baubles and tinsel and fairy lights on the tree. It had been hard with Arthur, their little beagle, constantly running around almost tripping them up multiple times. And deciding that the tinsel looked like a great toy to play tug of war with. Or that a bauble looked a lot like a tennis ball so he would pick it up in his mouth. He had always been a spirited puppy, and even though he was now nearing two he still had the lively energy. But they wouldn't have it any other way. 

Toby and Adil took turns lifting the children up to reach the higher spots, spinning them round once they had completed their task and smiling at the giggles that escaped from them. 

And when Theo declared that Annie and Noah should put the Angel on top of the tree together - because it was their first ever one – Adil felt a burst of pride at his little boy. They had raised him to be kind and welcoming, and Adil was constantly amazed by how he interacted with the other two, and how he was sensitive to their feelings and always trying to help, despite his young age.

 

Christmas Eve was always spent with the Hamilton’s. The lot of them would drive down to Grandma’s and the day was spent with Freddie, Emma, Rose and Elliott. The kids absolutely loved it. Toby's mother doted on them all, and Toby always got slightly emotional comparing these Christmases to the ones he had as a child. Everything was different, and he couldn't have been happier knowing that he was able to provide this happiness for his children, the way that was never done for him.  
  
The past could never be buried or forgotten completely. But now it was just an almost invisible scar instead of a gaping wound. It no longer hurt. Toby supposed it was because he felt so fulfilled now. All the challenges he faced brought him here to this, and that more than anything else meant that everything had been worth it.

Toby’s mother had decided that she wanted to get separate pictures of her son’s families before getting one of everyone together. She started with Freddie, and since his kids were now older and therefore better behaved their picture was done within two minutes.

The Hamilton-Joshi’s were a different story. Toby’s mother went into her stern Grandma mode and positioned them all in front of the tall and beautifully decorated Christmas tree. As soon as she stepped back though to take the picture Annie was off – sprinting away, and Theo refused to take off his astronaut helmet. In the end, after many failed attempts, they managed to get one where at least they were all in the picture. Theo had his helmet on so you couldn’t see his face and Annie was trying to squirm out of Toby’s grip, whereas Noah wasn’t looking at the camera. But this was their family. They weren’t perfect and Toby knew that. It just made him love them more. When he compared the Christmas’s from when he was a child to the ones that his children were getting, the contrast was quite frankly astonishing. 

The night before Christmas Theo, Noah and Annie set out the carrots and milk and cookies for Santa, and hung up their stockings before running up to bed, praying that they would fall asleep easily so that the morning would come quicker.

 

Christmas Day was spent just them. Their family.

As the couple had suspected, they were rudely awoken before six by a large pressure being exerted on their stomach which turned out to be Theo jumping on them in excitement. The other two weren’t far behind and they were all a gaggle of anticipation and excitement. It was hard to understand anything that they were saying as they were all shouting over the top of each other, exclaiming that Santa had been and that they needed to get up. Right. Now. 

After managing to calm everyone down a little bit, they all got up and the kids raced down stairs to try and be the first to get their presents from under the tree. Toby yawned as he stretched his arms above his head and Adil took that moment to envelop him in a warm hug. Toby reached out to return it, pulling Adil as close as he physically could. 

“Merry Christmas Adil,” he said, pulling him in for a quick kiss only, knowing the kids would be impatiently waiting for them to come down. 

“And a happy Christmas to you too, Toby.” They broke apart but intertwined their fingers together as they headed towards their bedroom door. 

“Daddy, quick!” They heard Annie call up. “Arthur’s found a box of chocolate and has torn all the paper off, he’s going to eat it!” 

“Oh God,” Toby and Adil said at the same time, rushing to reach their family. You couldn’t leave them alone for a second. 

  
**

When Adil had decided to let Toby make mince pies he hadn't counted on two three year olds and a five-year-old insisting that they help. But he was overjoyed that he could bring another new tradition into this wonderful day. One that shared his passion for cooking with his family. He left the kids and Toby to cut out stars and other shapes from the pastry whilst he started work on the turkey. He was still proud of his culinary skills, and was confident that the Christmas dinner he managed to put together would be nothing less than wonderful. 

He figured he shouldn't be surprised when Toby declares it a competition – whoever wins gets to have the biggest slice of Christmas pudding after the meal. The looks of concentration that appeared on all of their faces made Adil chuckle, and they buckled down to make their marvellous decorations. Adil had to refrain from snorting at how much Toby was getting in to it. He was definitely as, if not more, competitive than the children and even though he had over 20 years experience over the others Adil knew there was a high probability that Toby’s would turn out just as bad as the kids’ ones. Okay, maybe bad was a bit of a harsh word but Adil couldn’t say he had much faith in the rest of his family’s abilities in the kitchen. But it made him so happy to see that that he was managing to pass on his love of cooking to the rest of his family. 

Adil should've known that having three young kids in his kitchen would end up in a terrible mess. But he hadn't expected this much. Even with Arthur scrambling around and eating any pastry or filling that they managed to drop, the table and floor and the children themselves were covered in flour and mince pie filling. Normally, he liked his kitchen to be clean and tidy and everything to be in its correct place but he managed to put his anxiousness aside for one day and let everyone have a good time. 

When the pies were in the oven and the kids were running around in the living room Toby sidled up to Adil who was dishing up the roast potatoes and vegetables into bowls. With all the excitement of opening presents over and all the kids playing with new toys Toby felt he could finally breathe for a second. The day had been non-stop since that morning and the children still had all their enthusiasm but Toby didn’t really blame them. It was their first Christmas with Annie and Noah and Toby didn’t think that they had even had a proper Christmas before. Of course they were going to be excited. The siblings, who they had adopted only four months earlier were full of life and energy, and if Toby hadn’t known what kind of life they had before they came to live with them he never would have guessed it.

Annie was just about the same age as Theo, whereas Noah was a couple of years older. It had been challenging in the beginning. Very challenging. Unteaching bad habits and teaching them new lessons, making them feel safe. Theo had been a blessing through it all. At first Toby had worried that he would take bad to having to share his Daddy and Papa with others, but these were unwarranted. As soon as the other two kids had been brought into their life he had been nothing but kind and patient, and he always helped them when he could. Toby felt so proud of his little boy, and felt tremendously happy knowing that they had brought him up to be so kind and welcoming. 

Toby wrapped his arms around Adil’s waist and rested his chin on Adil's shoulder. Adil hummed softly and pushed back into the embrace. 

“You should see those mince pies Adil, I’m so proud of them,” Toby said, the happiness flowing out with his words. 

“Are they good?” Adil asked. 

“I can't even tell what's meant to be on half of them. And Noah’s stars ended up looking more like triangles. But they're perfect.” 

Adil smiled as he wiped his hands on a dish towel and turned around in Toby’s embrace. Toby's lips captured his and Adil's fingers wrapped themselves in Toby's hair. Adil got lost in Toby. In his lips and the way his fingers tightened on his hips. In the small, breathless sounds he made as Adil inched closer. 

“I need to make the cranberry sauce,” Adil said, finally managing to pull himself away from his husband. 

Toby groaned as Adil moved out of his grip and towards the cupboard. 

“Stop whining and go and get the kids ready for the food,” Adil said fondly. 

“Okay, okay. I have one more surprise for you just now anyway,” Toby replied, smirking at Adil. 

“Just one surprise?” Adil teased, sending a flirty smile over his shoulder. 

“Well, only one I can give you in the presence of the children,” Toby joked, winking as he walked out of the room. 

Adil snorted and rolled his eyes as he turned back to his cooking, the smile not leaving his face.

He heard laughter and footsteps bounding up the stairs as he quickly made the sauce. He hummed his favourite Christmas song as he finished everything off. This was only his first time cooking the Christmas lunch. The first couple of years with Theo they had spent at Toby’s mother’s. But this year they had decided that a quiet Christmas would be best. 

Adil had spent a lot of time and effort in planning this meal. Toby's mother had even shared some of her family recipes with him, and that more than any gesture she had given in the past made Adil feel truly like he belonged with the Hamilton’s. Adil had almost cried with happiness, it was a sign that no matter what had happened in the past she had completely accepted him into their family. 

It wasn't a difficult meal to cook, but Adil had done everything to make sure that it would be perfect. Annie and Noah deserved that much. 

The table in the dining room had already been set by Toby earlier in the day. He did everything he could to be helpful, even offering to help with the cooking. But despite the multiple years they had lived together Toby had still failed to pick up any more than the basic culinary skills. And besides, someone had to keep an eye on their three little trouble makers. 

Once all the potatoes and vegetables had been dished up and the turkey carved into slices and the cranberry sauce made all that was left to do was transfer it all the the living room. 

He picked up a couple of bowls first, wanting to leave the turkey to last. He didn’t even know if Noah and Annie had even ever had it before. It was little things like this that Adil often thought of which made him emotional, he was so glad they were with him and Toby now and they could make up for all the lost time. Or try to anyway. 

Adil turned sideways so he could use his shoulder to push open the door. As soon as he stepped into the living room he spun round to see his family waiting for him, and he stopped in his tracks, a grin spreading over his face. 

“Toby what is this?” Adil asked. 

Toby was standing there, Theo, Annie and Noah in front of him. They were all wearing Christmas jumpers that Adil had never seen before. They all had the same pattern of little snowmen over every inch of them, but each were a different colour. Blue, red, green, purple. It was adorable. And in Toby's hand he held another one, coloured navy. 

“Well I thought that it would be cute for them all to have matching jumpers. And then I saw the same ones in adult size and I had to get them for us.” 

“And Arthur?” Adil asked, gesturing to the dog who was sitting down in front of them, tail wagging happily, wearing a green jumper with a reindeer pattern on it. 

“I didn't want him to be left out.” Toby answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. That was so typically Toby, Adil thought. He rolled his eyes but the smile on his face gave away his true feelings of affection. 

“Papa you need to put yours on!” Theo insisted, taking the jumper from Toby and running over to him. 

“Okay, okay, let me put the food down first!” Adil answered, walking quickly over to the table. 

Theo all but shoved the jumper into his hands and Adil looked at it sceptically. He had never seen the appeal of Christmas jumpers before and always thought that he would just look stupid in them. He had been hesitant at first to put it on, but upon realising how much this meant to Toby he just smiled and agreed, quickly shedding the boring and tatty beige one he was already wearing and pulling the snowmen covered one over his head. 

He also realised it had a deeper meaning to the children. It showed that they were a family. That they belonged here. And that's all Adil wished for this Christmas. That the five of them could be a proper family.

 ** 

By nine o’clock the kids were asleep, collapsing as soon as they got to their beds – exhausted from all the excitement of the day. 

Adil and Toby wandered back downstairs, tired but content. They had truly had the most wonderful time, and Adil hoped that all the smiles and laughter meant that the children had too. 

Adil wandered into the living room and took in the shambles – toys were strewn everywhere, baubles knocked from the tree lying on the floor, dirty plates and bowls lying around. And in the middle of the mess lay Arthur, happily chewing on one of his new toys which had already lost a leg at some point in the day. 

Adil bent down and started picking up some of the toys, but he didn’t get far before he heard Toby entering the room. 

 “Just leave that for tonight Adil,” he said, and Adil looked up to see him settling in on the sofa, two glasses of mulled wine clutched in his hands. 

Adil couldn’t refuse, not with a happy and sleepy and loving Toby right there. So he abandoned his brief attempt to create some order in the chaos and curled up beside his husband, pulling him into his arms and holding him close. 

With the TV on a channel showing The Polar Express and Toby curled into him so close he could feel his chest moving with every breath, Adil felt a strong sense of peace. Tomorrow would be another long, busy day, this time at Adil’s parent’s house spending time with his side of the family, but for the time being he could just forget about all that and enjoy some hard to come by quality alone time with his husband. 

They drank their mulled wine in companionable silence, just taking a moment to bask in everything that this holiday had brought, and how different it was to last year. Toby’s fingers were drawing invisible patterns on Adil’s skin, and Adil’s hand was stroking gently over Toby’s hip. When Toby gently pried the wine glass away from Adil to place it onto the table, turning round in the embrace so he was in a position where he could look directly into Adil’s eyes, Adil did not object. Adil could read the emotions from Toby, it was evident in the crinkle of the eyes and the expression on his face. 

“Thank you for today Adil, I couldn’t have done it without you,” Toby exhaled, and Adil thought he could have melted from the look of pure love and devotion in his eyes. 

“We did it together,” Adil replied, grasping out to hold Toby’s hands in his. 

They kissed lazily for a while, the film still playing in the background. Years had passed since they first met, and yet still Adil was being surprised by Toby. Every time he thought that surely he could not get any happier something else would happen and he would be proven wrong. He felt like the luckiest person in the world. 

Toby pulled back from the kiss and just gazed into Adil’s eyes. Those eyes. Toby felt like every time he looked in them he fell a little bit more in love. Which should have been impossible, because he already loved Adil with all his heart. 

When he had been growing up Toby had never once imagined he could have something like this. Not after the years of struggling with himself and his family. And now he had a husband (which was a miracle in itself) who he loves unconditionally, and who loves him back just as much. Two sons. A daughter. A family. A real family. And even though it was nowhere near perfect, it was _theirs_. It didn’t mean everything was seamless all of the time – he still fought with Adil occasionally, and being a Dad to two young children who had horrors from their early years they could only begin to imagine was difficult. There were times where Toby would just collapse into bed after a long, weary day and burst into tears. He would cry and cry and cry but then Adil would be there, a constant comforting force no matter the situation. And Toby knew that no matter what happened in their future one thing was certain, they would face it together.  

Toby had always known that perfection was not something obtainable. But he knew that this… this was as close to it as you could get. 

Toby had always had trouble when he was younger picturing how he wanted his life to turn out. All he wanted for as long as he could remember was to be happy and wanted and he couldn’t think of a better definition of happiness than what he was feeling right now, this very second, wrapped in the love of his life’s arms after spending the most amazing day with their family. 

He knew now without a doubt that if he could’ve wished for anything, he would have wished for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive thanks to @love_hp for helping write this chapter whilst I was at work or it would never have been posted on time!  
> Please excuse any mistakes I was very rushed for posting this so will reread again at some point and hopefully fix everything! 
> 
> I can't believe this story is finally finished. This became bigger and more challenging than I had planned when I started it, but bringing joy to even one person makes me so happy and all the hard work and hours of effort worth it! 
> 
> Caitlin, thank you for helping with ideas/proofreading/always supporting me and motivating me to be better. You're a star. 
> 
> And thank you to every single person who has gone on this journey with me, I am so very glad that you managed to stick with it till the end! 
> 
> Sending my love to you all, and wishing you a Merry Christmas and wonderful New Year :) xx


End file.
